Seren

Aug 06, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Breathing In Shivers

I've no need to laugh
if your unseen,
and even to breathe
would be obscene

The smell of you
taints my nights,
and touching skin
my pure delight

Exquisite this love
shivers my ground,
nothing could ever
resemble your sound

Rumbling laughs
vibrate to heart,
trembling moments
I hoard for my part

Even in anger
a control is seen,
never could you
be hurtful or mean

Sharpened diamonds
cut like glass,
soft as petals
eyes drift past

Crystal the memories
you've gifted me,
freedom of life
soul running free

Conjuring hopes
deliverer of dreams,
you are the man
of fairytale realms

A strength of titans
defended the weak,
honoured by many
your company they seek

Admired in whispers
shouted from love,
you are the man
I always dreamed of

— Seren, Aug 06, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Beyond the Black Stump..Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda, P.K.Page, W.H.Auden, to many and various to include them all ...

Critiques

Candlewitch

16 years 10 months ago

Dear Jayne

This is a delightful tribute to your man. How could he be any other way with you being who you are, I'm sure that you bring out the best in him. I do hope that you have shared this poem with him. If you haven't yet, you must. I'm sure it will make him fell both love and pride. Always, Cat

Seren

16 years 10 months ago

Dear Cat

I sent this to him the day before I submitted it, he loved it , though for me I will tell you, I have had trouble putting into words how I feel, the words just dont seem enough and this one doesnt seem that good to be honest Cat , I wasnt happy with it I started writing another ... thanks for the read and the comment a(hug) much love and Jayne x x "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall" ...

yenti

16 years 10 months ago

Seren

He is so lucky that you see and have such a person with You, or within your reach, Hold him with your thoughts, love him with your feelings, and look at him with an open mind, he is as you need, Yours Ian.T PS:- "honoured my many" think this should be BY and not my, La La

Seren

16 years 10 months ago

Good catch Ian !!

It was meant to be [BY] and I edited this and missed it twice ... blind to it sometimes .... thank you for the read glad you liked it hun hope your both well and enjoying the last of your summer .. much love and hugz Jayne x x "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall" ...

press

16 years 10 months ago

JC this Press

JC what is really cool about your poetry . Your poems feed the reader , and not your ego. Even tho I am very proud of all the new poets I see , because the writing is really good in almost all of the poems I read . Hey we have to step it up [smile]. I am not commenting on the picture [ Big smile] LOV2U PRESS

Seren

16 years 10 months ago

Dearest Press

You know you hit the nail on the head ? I do try to feed the reader in a sense actually in all the senses, but I am still learning and developing and so are you your recent poems have a fresh taste to them and the one I asked you if you were pissed off ? that one is awesome ... glad you liked it hun ... not stepping up my friend , step out into the light and shine ... Much Love and Hugz Jayne x x x "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall" ...

docmaverick

16 years 10 months ago

I have only....

...3 small, nuance-size problems with this piece. "nights" to "delight"...and then the rhymes, "glass" to "past"...and, "dreams" to "realms". These three rhymes would be considered, "false rhymes"..."stretching" for the rhyme, (if you will). Other than those three things, I believe and agree with the others as to the caliber of this one ! "Write On"! sincerely, #{:>{)}8==== docmaverick.

Seren

16 years 10 months ago

Dear Doc :D

Your right I was stretching and they are probably false rhymes lol thats why I started another one and its far from finsihed , thank you for your comment and read my friend, I am not happy with this one myself so I will take another look in a couple of days with fresh eyes and see what I cant come up with ... Much love and hugz Jayne x x We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall ...

Nordic cloud

16 years 9 months ago

Ive no need to laugh  if

Ive no need to laugh  if your unseen.....................(YOU'RE) ( at your unseen?)  and even to breathe  would be obscene The smell of you  taints my nights.............(taint is a little negative? Almost dirties and that's not comfortable?)  and touching skin my pure delight Exquisite this love  shivers my ground...........( I would like THE ground)  nothing could ever  resemble your sound........( what's that like?-smiling!!) Rumbling laughs vibrate to heart  trembling moments  I hoard for my part........(hoarding moments I find an odd word here) Even in anger a control is seen.......(do you need 'A'control)  never could you  be hurtful or mean Sharpened diamonds  cut like glass  soft as petals.........(the eyes of petals drift past, not so keen on eyes drifting)  eyes drift past Crystal the memories  you’ve gifted me  freedom of life  soul running free Conjuring hopes  deliverer of dreams  you are the man  of fairytale realms A strength of titans.........(Titans?)  defended the weak  honoured by many  your company they seek Admired in whispers  shouted from love  you are the man  I always dreamed of _____________ Hope you find it interesting, i had fun looking at it, love Ann

Seren

16 years 9 months ago

Dear Ann,

I was just changing over to members only and found this comment, its so bizarre I didn't receive an email for it,So I am sorry for the delay in commenting , I really like some of your suggestions I will have a look in a couple of days and see what I can do some of those words like A control can be seen , there is a reason for the 'A' lol more personal reason than anything that one , but I love a few of your other suggestions will definately improve it in my opinion , much love and biggest hugs thanks for taking a look at this one I always appreciate your feedback :) Jayne x x