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doorman
doorman
Aug 05, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Air Letter

Bicycle left dead

Along the way home to mom

Palms sweat,- I can't lie


I did find you late

Feather soars from old wing beat

Eggshells and good jokes


Mountain rains mountains

Wait idly in garden chair

Come lucky, soft snow?


— doorman, Aug 05, 2009

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Country/Region: NOR

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Critiques

Ravenshakti

Ravenshakti

16 years 10 months ago

A delightful poem...

This is lovely! Your words flow,in a calm and graceful way. Like feeling a snowflake fall on the palm of my hand. I enjoyed reading it, very much. Raven
doorman

doorman

16 years 10 months ago

Thank you, Raven.

Thank you for reading it. I'm humbled by your sweet compliment, and very happy you liked the poem. All the best, e.
Jonathan Moore

Jonathan Moore

16 years 9 months ago

Good imagery

And although I am not directly seeing this as a single connected poem, the individual entities are well done. Line two of the 3rd entry is a syllable long in my reads and as I am a structure geek, it nags at me. Also, Line 3 of entry 1 does not bring the image into sharp focus for me. I am not sure if it is a punctuation or word order issue but a closer look might be in order. I enjoy the spare style of Haiku and with a little review these should be even more effective. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)
doorman

doorman

16 years 9 months ago

Jonathan

Thanks for taking the time to read my work. This is taken from different Haiku's I've penned down in the past(except the last part), so connecting them was a bit of an experiment. Tried to forge a connection based on the memory of my salad days and the coming of conflict, but it sort of fell apart and became something else. Thanks a lot for pointing out the eighth syllable, and for being a structure geek. I also appreciate the correction in line 3 of the first part,- I inserted a little break for the time being, while I try to figure out if something else is needed. Happy you liked the poem's individual parts. Respectfully, Espen