Le CHAIM (To Life!)

This is exquistely beautiful ...Regards Jayne x x

I don't know what else to say? An incredibly moving piece, kudos to you! "I am moved by this work, as sadness overtakes." Will I guess I did have more to say. Great job bravo!! Eddie

waxing star! This is incredibly clever and has an almost break-neck pace! Not only do I love that toast (le chaim), but I feel you gave it a new dimension here. Favourite lines: There is a sadness: which stalks the sanctuary so perfidious and proud - it claims ownership. An alliance with austerity that bears the marksmanship of madness. It shoots straight for the heart. Yours, ~Nina

I have looked carefully at your lovely poem. It contains a number of wonderfully articulate turns of phase. I like the inventiveness of "cyclopic" and agree with Nina, for my favourite lines: There is sadness [removed “a”] which stalks the sanctuary so perfidious and proud - it claims ownership. It has alliance with austerity [added a verb] that bears the marksmanship of madness. It shoots straight for the heart. Another favourite is the following: Ephemeral efforts to drown ghost-giants and allay inner fears - momentarily. I also like the temporal connection of your sad poem and my sad poem. You use here a bold italic script. I encourage you to forgo that inclination. It removes that task of highlighting from the reader. It is really each reader's poem while it is being read. The bold/italic emphasis seems like an attempt to control the reader's own emphasis, and it does, in a fashion, by getting in the way. The last words, "to life" almost disappear from the poem completely due to their over emphasis. Similarly, the subtitles are part of the stanzas, but, as a reader, it takes an effort of will to make them so. Readers are used to skipping titles as much as not, which in this case leaves the stanzas with awkward beginnings. Similarly, try to avoid ":" in poetry. It is similar to a full stop. But your stanzas want a smoother opening, particularly when the opening line fits perfectly with the line following. I sometimes think you are not sure whether the reader will get it. So you sometimes explain things in repetition. It reminds me of that adage for writing university papers: "explain it, explain it again, then one more time in summary." I encourage you to avoid that stance somewhat in poetry. Here you invent a very nice word "cyclopic". But, as if the reader can't get it, you remind that it is a singular vision. And then, in case twice is not enough, you compare it to "both eyes' mission" for good measure. At the same time you are bludgeoning your first invention, implying it is in some way inadequate. Readers do like that they can get a meaning on modest information, for the same reason that readers of mysteries like to guess who done it, and then are comforted by their wit. Somewhere along the way, each of these things I have suggested above were suggested to me by some more experienced poet. I have made a number of technical suggestions. And I have adjusted the poem to show what it would look like with the suggestions incorporated. There are days when time grants a cyclopic vision, [good invention; “singular” is redundant] sharper, clearer than both eyes’ mission - to enlighten a mind clouded over by torpid reasoning. There are nights when futile tears are foraged from the deep. Ephemeral efforts to drown ghost-giants and allay inner fears - momentarily. The apparitions reappear. There is sadness [removed “a”] which stalks the sanctuary so perfidious and proud - it claims ownership. It has alliance with austerity [added a verb] that bears the marksmanship of madness. It shoots straight for the heart. There are times [converted to “are” and plural for “times”] when the rope ["holding" removed to leave "breaks" as one word] that hangs precipitously - [“i” removed; “-“ added] as if it were a lost, long, lifeline - breaks! The snap - startles a sleeping reality - [converted a comma and hyphen to two hyphens] back to life! [removed title conclusion] You have great intelligence, which shows up in your poetry. You are also both feisty and tender (admirable traits). This poem speaks to these characteristics. I do hope that you find some of these comments useful. Brian