Forsaken

Forsaken

By Ray Mclaren 2009

Days may come regret of heart

The gifts made through the years apart

His kin within his heart hath found

that place his spirit dwells

a word, a joke , a gesture made

take back the childhood years charade

when life adorned the mantle bright

the giver of truth, and mortal life.

now aged years gods peace may come

his dreams sequent lifes rivers run

Within his nights such scenes parade

the masters of illusions

To face his god with spirit dim

While still a flicker burns within

That she may call to bless that light

The kin of angels in the night

He sees them all above his grave

Forgotten Faces time cant fade

Regret and tears mix in the gray

His stone like ice, the truth now paid.

— believe, Jul 31, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: sydney,Australia, AUS

Critiques

poewriter58

16 years 10 months ago

Believe

Suggestion, please line your stanzas up evenly as this will make it easier for your reader and lend a more professional touch to your work anywhere you have placed a semi colon change to a comma cant=cannot ( which flows better) or if you wish can't now aged years etc. seems a bit awkward, where is the break agasin anywhere you have a space ex forgotten faces then you go on either give them seperate lines ( known as line breaks) or plaace a comma instead of a space. Other than technical corrections the wording of this poem is excellent when read out loud. It builds intoan urgency ( at least in my opinion) Chrys

Seren

16 years 10 months ago

A agree with Chrys

Lining the stanza's up would be easier to read, but other than that I loved this one and I only have one other thing that I could point out ... The last line of the first stanza I think it maybe a typo [sprit] spirit ... ? anyhoo great write regards Jayne x x

believe

16 years 10 months ago

thks Chrys

Fixed the typo, your right, friend

Ravenshakti

16 years 10 months ago

Well... I love it... as it is...

I don't give much thought to the technical part of poem writing. I read, I listen, I feel... And if it has touched me... I merge with it. Your poem, most definitely touched my heart. This is exquisite poetry. Raven

Sin

16 years 10 months ago

Forsaken

Haunting and eloquent. I had no problem with your format. It read well and I stopped and I paused in the places I assume you meant me to. The placement, or lack thereof...of punctuation and line breaks physically controls the speed a verse is read...larger spaces between words on the same line is effective in this use. I like a poem that uses that to direct where and how fast the reader goes...this does that well. Thank you!