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Seren

Jul 28, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Paned Sorrow

                   Watching
                   as you turn and shape
                  into night
                at shadows edge
               a merging darkness
              polarized to diverge
                in nothingness
                  once there,
                  you are gone

                    A vapor of night
                    twisting
                     to changing will
                    morphing
                   into breathless pants
                    of screaming
                     howls
                      bereft of comfort

                      Sightless
                    and nameless
                 in twilight’s hold
               miming a life,
                 meted to be retired
                    licking the pane
                    that windows
                     to life
                     and finding
                   the saltiness
                    of sorrow

— Seren, Jul 28, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Beyond the Black Stump..Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda, P.K.Page, W.H.Auden, to many and various to include them all ...

More from this author

Critiques

B

bjp

16 years 10 months ago

Dear Jayne-Chloe,

This is very good. licking the pane that windows to life and finding the saltiness of sorrow When you write like this it is superlative. Brian

16 years 10 months ago

Dear Brian

Thank you so much for such a beautiful compliment , I just write my feelings into words sometimes and this is how they come out ... Hug thank you after a really shitty week your comment made me smile ... much love to you both Jayne x x

16 years 10 months ago

Dearest Jayne

Whoever you wrote this piece about must be suffering the woes of the damned. The emotional distress comes through razor sharp. I can almost hear the keening of the heart. Your language skills are excellent in this poem, as always. Love, Cat

16 years 10 months ago

Dearest Cat

Your right she is suffering the woes of the damned and feels like that the universe is against her sometimes , she is me, but I think you knew that my friend ... I was sitting in front of the computer last night and I looked out the window and remembered something my Nana said to me when I was young, and then this flowed out .. Thanks for the read and the comment your my constant friend I would be lost without people like you ... its friends that hold me together and to come home today and find your comment was a gift ... Hope your feeling well and the summer is being kind to you much love and hugz Jayne x x

16 years 10 months ago

serene Seren!

You are so skilled at capturing those exquisitely dark and painful emotions so rapturously! I salute your craft! Boni

16 years 10 months ago

Boni

Thank you thats a lovely thing to say ... Hugz ... I havent been well the last week but am not too bad today ... I am hoping to get round and catch up with everyone later tonight and I know you have been writing prolificly lately and beautifully as well my friend Regards Jayne x x

16 years 10 months ago

Paned Sorrow

My computer is acting real whacked and I don't know what does and doesn't get sent thru, or if i'll even get this out. But I have to try. I just can't find a line to like better than any other. Awesome job! Vapors of night, morphing wills, Screaming howls, bereft of comfort! Sounds like the voice-over from a horror-film! Hope I can sleep tonight! L & Hugz, Gee.

16 years 10 months ago

Gee

I think its neopoet I have been having trouble getting things to load and stuff as well so I dont think its your puter huni ... I am so happy you liked this one its a sad one but its truth for me ... LMAO and I hope you got to sleep and didnt get too scared last night LOL much love and hugz Jayne x x x

16 years 10 months ago

For me this is one of your best JayC

and i suppose i can surmise its true personal meaning which makes it even more powerful. There are just a couple of things i would suggest changing: "once there, you are gone" and "bereft of comfort" And i agree with bjp, those last lines are really good. love and hugs K

16 years 10 months ago

WOW Keith ...

Again I am surprised at peoples reactions to this one ... I will say I am sitting here with a big smile on my face, I think you are one of the few people that has been reading my stuff from early on when I was still getting my head round it all, and for you to say its one of my best makes it all the hard work worth it,those last lines came out when I was looking out the window and then I looked at the glass and then bang thats what came out ... I really like your suggestion for the first stanza, I will change it now LOL .. bereft of comfort I will have a look at that line again ... And I cant thank you enough for taking the time to comment and have a read I know how busy you have been lately and I appreciate it (((((hug)))) take care big Love and hugz Jayne x x x

B

Baz

16 years 10 months ago

Hi again Jayne, (Sounds like the opening of a song?)

What can I add? All the above comments say it for me! Just one thing, I use British English as opposed to American. When you say, "Paned Sorrow", do you mean pained or panned as is being hit down flat or as in window pane? I think it must be as in window. Forgive my ignorance. Barry

16 years 10 months ago

Barry

... they were lovely comments aye ? and again I was surprised by peoples reactions, you would think I would get used to it ? LOL but not yet ... Paned sorrow is what I meen, window pane licking the pane that windows to life and finding the saltiness of sorrow Imagine if you will someone leaning their head on a window crying watching someone they love leave, tears running and the licking thing LOL I cant explain but it just felt right .... And again I thank you for your read and support it meens so much to me to have people enjoy my poetry ... Love and Hugz Jayne x x

ID

16 years 10 months ago

Jayne,

I am late to this party, but glad I didn't miss this piece! I love your title, it's evocative and clever. I think this may be the best I've read of yours so far. Favourite lines: licking the pane that windows to life and finding the saltiness of sorrow Well done, honey! Yours, ~Nina

16 years 10 months ago

Nina

((((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))))) Thank you ... This was one of the deepest personal writes i think I have ever writen and for everyone to like it like they have makes me want to cry ... it was one I truely didnt think anyone would like ... see I still have no clue but you guys always let me know when I hit my mark hugz of Love Jayne x x x

16 years 10 months ago

Jayne,

Your becoming a master at this! There are so many emotions in this piece, for me it was like running a gauntlet and being struck over and over by pane (pain) and sorrow all at once. You go girl!! The opening stanza was what hook me and held me till the end. I love dark and painfully writing!! "Watching as you turn and shape into night at shadows edge a merging darkness polarized to diverge in nothingness once there, you are gone" The losing of ones self in the darkness of it, I love it!! thanks, Eddie

16 years 10 months ago

Eddie

Thank you .. what a wonderful comment and I cant thank you enough ... this was a difficult write and I hesitated before submitting it but am so glad I did now that people like it ... love and hugz Jayne x x

SS

Silent Whisper…

16 years 10 months ago

i fuckin love it !!!!!!! XDi

i fuckin love it !!!!!!! XD i swear u get better n better with every poem u write dont stop

16 years 10 months ago

Bjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj Big Smile

((((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))) I am glad you liked this one thought you might its a little dark ... big hugs of love to you and Jadey babe LOL and tell Trent I love him, love you allllllll ..... Jayne(Mum) x x x x

16 years 10 months ago

Paned Sorrow

Jayne You blow me away totally you and I in the darkness will we ever see the light at the end of the tunnel You know my heart only too well the pain and sorrow i feel is echoed here we too bare our souls to the world outside our hearts ripped apart torn out splatterd on stone below heartache unmendable shattered into so many shards of crystal blue always Electric blue so blue

16 years 10 months ago

Dearest Maggie ...

Yes there is a light at the end of the tunnel you just have to believe huni ... I do enough for both of us .. Much love and hugz Jayne x x x "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall" ...

16 years 10 months ago

Dear Cassie

Thank you for your comment , its not easy writing about sorrow and I am glad you found parts of it to resonate in .. and I played with the format till I had it to a point that I was Happy with ... will come and have a read of you I dont think I have had the pleasure .. but I maybe wrong .. take care Regards Jayne x x "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall" ...

Q

16 years 10 months ago

here you

once again evoke an ethereal, nameless sort of state (not dissimilar to something Lovecraft might have written in his fiction), yet not with the aforementioned Wordsworthian joy; you've gone into Kubla Khan territory! :-) I get a mental picture of someone gasping for breath in a universe that no longer cares, or seems to care, a kind of complete psychic retirement of the soul. Gorgeous little piece. GB

16 years 10 months ago

GB

Samuel Taylor Coleridge ? lol I have one of his books so if there is a flavour to my poetry your on the right track ... I love his Kubla Khan;or, A vision in a dream-A fragment ... I've always wondered if he didnt get called away on business and had remembered the whole 3 hours of his vision/dream state ... to just imagine ... wow ... it boggles the mind what he forgot ... LOL ok I rambled and I dont often do that LOL but thanks for making me remember :) So glad you liked it I am sitting here with a big smile on my face wordsworth lovecraft and Coleridge ... Your making me want to read LOL take care Love and hugz Jayne x x We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall ...

B

16 years 10 months ago

:)

:O i bow to the master...im not worthy <3

16 years 10 months ago

Matty long time since I have

Matty long time since I have seen you out and about at neopoet good to see you !!!!!... LOL I am no master Darlin I am the mistress of time these days ... But I'm glad you liked it ... I have publishing news to share with ya, I am being published in the next couple of weeks my first poem in print woot ... nothing big but it was nice for them to accept it ... :) big smiles and love and hugz Jayne x x Snake said to tell you hes going jamming tonight the Bass guitarist is too lazy to turn up so they rang him again LOL .... big bro sends his Love (hug) Btw its not long till ill be at your house 21 days and counting ... WooooHoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo :D big Kev happy cant wait to catch up with you'se mwahhhhhhhhh :) "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall" ...

16 years 10 months ago

My lady of the ethereal

My lady of the ethereal blues... how you do play to the heartstrings! Congrats on your publishing... please send us the link, K? Windows.... the soul is a window from which we peer into the past present and future... I love how poets have made it into an art-form. ;-) Hugs darling, Anna "You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality." Ayn Rand

16 years 10 months ago

Dear Anna

Big Smile thank you for your comment ... lady of the ethereal blue that sounds like the title to a poem yet to be made lol and thanks for the congrates nothing huge but I am getting published by a local paper so I am chuffed but it was just nice they liked it, well all 5 that I submitted, anyway will leave the link when it gets published ... windows to the soul, I seem to be surrounded in windows sometimes .. hard not to look and think and ponder isnt it ? much love and hugz huni Jayne x x "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall" ...

B

bjp

16 years 10 months ago

Dear Jayne-Chloe,

Greet news about the your being published. That is exciting! Very glad to hear it. Brian

16 years 10 months ago

Dearest Brian

It isnt anything huge just a newspaper but I am chuffed Brian I never thought in a million years they would accept it but friends here keep telling me to do something with them so I picked a few sent them in and they wanted them all LOL ...Thanks for the congrates will leave a link when its published ... LOL not sure which one they are going with first ... so it will be a surprise for me as well ... Much Love and Hugz Jayne x x "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall" ...

16 years 10 months ago

Congrats

*Flash* Congrats on acceptance of your poetry by newspaper. This is great news! stop I think it will be the start of an amazing story! stop You have hit the big time. stop Am looking forward to seeing the link. stop Actually, DO NOT STOP! I was just trying to give the impression of old time reporter sending in a big-time story. I think it is so awesome! Please do put up the link for us all to see. We all wish you the best. L & hugz, Gee.

16 years 10 months ago

lol Dear Gee

My bad double post LOL "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall" ...

16 years 10 months ago

lol Dear Gee

I was quite shocked that they accepted all five of them ... well see what gets published over the next few weeks they publish on thursdays so I will be checking the paper from this thursday and its online so I can copy the link to you guys ... I was really excited that they thought them good enough ... and I got the reporter impression LOL very good STOP he he thanks for the congrates much love and hugz Jayne x x "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall" ...

S

16 years 9 months ago

Seren

Lady you did wonderfully sad with this piece. Sometimes our feelings seep out like molasses from a mason jar dark and delicious. I do love this in a twisted way one because its a beautiful write secondly because its part of you;) The windows to the soul aren't always clear and sparkly sometimes their fogged and distorted but as long as you can see something your okay. All will be fine hun just take one day at a time and stop beating yourself up over things that out of your control. Last but surly not least (((((BIG)))) congrats on the publishing we all gots to start somewheres.. Jen

16 years 9 months ago

Dear Jen

The actual inspiration for this poem is a memory of grief i guess you could call it ... and this is sort of the memory one minute detail of it ... thanks for the stars and the comment its a write I hestitated with but i am glad I posted it now people seem to have taken to this one ... sad though it is ,.. love and hugz Jayne x x x Edit was typing in the dark touch typing , BADDDD typos LOL "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall"

16 years 1 month ago

Aulde Pane Likker

loved that line like Flicker the passion the heat of the moment descriptive Thank You Esker~

16 years 1 month ago

Dear Esker

I got such a shock when I got a message for this one ... and thank you for taking me back for the read with you, I do appreciate it ... love and hugs JayCee x x x x (http://www.neopoet.com/forum/36627-meet-n-greet-live-chat-thurs-apr-15th-9-11-pm-ny-est-host-poewriter58-welcome-new-member#comment-175177) ... Be there ~!~!~!