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Hallow Stares And Wheelchairs

Fresh paint, mowed lawn, a pretty place
From the outside for everyone to see
Could be nothing but serenity
The captives have no way to flee
But on the other hand could be a disgrace
They no longer are aware of reality

Sweet little old ladies and gentlemen they are
Can no longer protect themselves from harm's way
But they all have a sweet smile
Their last chance to wish on a star
Not many listen to what they have to say
They are about to make their last mile

With the mind of a child, they trust everyone
Even the ones that abuse
But seldom a visit from a relative
In their way they know what has been done
In the end, they are the ones that lose
If they revolt, are given a sedative

A deep dark secert kept that is over due
Needs to be brought out in the open
About old bones and gray hairs
And let it be true
Remember, we are their children
Empty minds, hallow stares and wheelchairs


— nunnnone, Jul 25, 2009

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Critiques

W

wizzardofodd

16 years 10 months ago

Hollow Srares...

I think you have a great grasp on the problems of the elderly and "nursing facilities." But I think you could have said as much in less words. It runs on and one tires of it quickly. Also, were you straining for the rhyme scheme? The rhyming is aqlmost sing songy. I hope you don't take offense to these comments. What you wrote has great potential with a rewrite.
W

wizzardofodd

16 years 10 months ago

Chill Out

Not everyone will like everyone's works. That's ok. Just take any advice you feel is good and ignore the rest. And for the record; 1) I have worked in facilities like these, and 2) I am old. I'm 62. Relax, my friend. Just keep trying to perfect the "art."
N

nunnnone

16 years 10 months ago

wheel chairs

Thanks but I am in total disagreement with You. 1. This is not meant to be a so-called "fancy poem". It is a message poems that carries a strong message! As for the length being to long. One could write books on the subject and never cover it all. 3. Did I strain with the rhyme on this, no not one bit. If you will read all my poems on here, you will find each and everyone is written with ...ABCABC rhyme. One other thing, one day you will get old, as we all do in time. "Would you want someone to write a fancy pretty word poem for you if you needed help? Or would you want some one to send out a strong message....think about it be for you are so critical? Danny
themoonman

themoonman

16 years 10 months ago

nunnnone...

Hi, I just wanted to say that this is a workshop... not everyone will like what or the way you've written... it is best to expect it. In this poem, your abc pattern has an extra line in the first stanza, throws the read off. In the third stanza... loose should be "lose" respectfully Richard
N

nunnnone

16 years 10 months ago

wheelchair

Thanks Richard.........Danny
autumnphoenix

autumnphoenix

16 years 10 months ago

Hi

A very strong subject matter. I like the squeaky wheel. I think if you are going to write here and enjoy the teaching, learning experience you must stand by your work and not be so volatile. You did ask to be knocked on your back. Just try to hear the feedback without the defenses shooting up. Your poem is good but in the first stanza the last word in line 3 and the last word in line 6...Is that a true rhyme? It does seem to throw the reader off abit. Just take a look and perhaps read it aloud for yourself. Sometimes someone being critical can lead to something more substantial being presented. Good luck Dana