The Then that was.

I remember “Then” as an adultWith the feelings of a child.No words of descriptive natureJust the emotional wash. I pick through the wave,Sorting, grasping for retreating pebblesLaying the collection of thoughts togetherIn a linear time line of stones I relive the joyousAllowing the tendrils of thoughtTo cling to meI search, I search for intimacy. I find a glance, a shared lookAnd then the tide of thought comes inAnd plucks the clarityReclaiming my memories, jumbling them,Confusing me, giving me doubt of what was And I begin againSifting There are some heavy stones that can’t be dragged backHeavy in my heart and solid in my mindThe hurts I gave , the anger,The disappointments, the shame.All I did was search for the loveBut the tears of the past give me but a shadowI can’t find that loveWas it ever there?

— seabhac, Jul 21, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

Critiques

bjp

16 years 10 months ago

Dear Elizabeth,

This is a kind of exploration of the memory to which I feel a kinship. I have taken some liberties so that you may see it with the pronouns removed. I tend to think that this moves the reader out of the observer role and into the poem as a participant, since they are not bumping into the reminders of the authorship in quite so decided a manner. I have even removed "to him", thus removing the gender from the mix, except through the author alone. See what you think. Remember “Then” as an adult with the feelings of a child. No words of descriptive nature just the emotional wash. Picking through the wave, sorting, grasping for retreating pebbles laying the collection of thoughts together in a linear time line of stones. Relive the joyous allowing the tendrils of thought to cling searching’s search for intimacy. A glance, a shared look and then the tide of thought comes in and plucks the clarity reclaiming memories, jumbling them, confusing, giving doubt of what was. And it begins again, Sifting. There are some heavy stones that can’t be dragged back heavy in heart and solid in mind those hurts given, the anger, the disappointments, the shame. All was in the search for love but the tears of the past give but a shadow. If can’t is the find of love, was it ever there? Brian

seabhac

16 years 10 months ago

Hmm big decission

Hi Brian you really took the time to think out this one and I have spent some time with both versions side by side ...reading aloud and looking at in a detached way.I agree that the "to him" was too personal, too specific to allow the reader to be able to personaly participate. With the other suggestion I went along with it to learn more about the poetry and how it affects the reader but I feel the depersonaliation of this poem removes the heart of it ... seeing it with the pronouns removed takes away the very guts of it,making it a possible he/she /it. What has supprised me about looking at the poem in a detached way as you suggested was the clarity of how I saw the message of what I wanted to portrey. Maybe I am still writing for personal theraphy and not looking at the wider audience out there but that must be a major angst to most writers ...who do we write for if not for ourselves? You have opened the avenue of many thoughts Brian and I am very grateful for the stimilation of the discussion. Best Wishes Liz