Aphrodite's Rock, Paphos

The waves rush in with hiss and roar,
Where Aphrodite came ashore
We stroll along that beach, in sight
Of rock defying ocean's might.

This ancient Goddess cast her spell
On those who cared but could not tell.
Those days are gone and now we try
To show our longing with a sigh...

I glance at you, as we stroll on,
And know my chance is almost gone;
To say those words I long to say,
Of love , for ever, and always...

The cool sea breeze plays with your hair,
You smile at me, I only stare
At your sweet face and know it's true:
NO GODDESS IS A MATCH FOR YOU

— Tam the Chanter, Jul 17, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

Critiques

weirdelf

16 years 10 months ago

sweet

Cheers, Jess

Jonathan Moore

16 years 10 months ago

I love me some tertrameter

But that should be no surprise. Also, I believe this would make an excellent September contest entry. http://www.neopoet.com/forum/17517 This is a solid poem. I'd add a period at the end of stanza three but that's about it. I have to say the first two lines of stanza three are excellent. The remainder are good but the first two lines are so casual and conversational that the structure completely disappears. Oh they happen to be AA rhymed tetrameter, but that's just a coincidence. It's the coincidence of hard work and styling, but that's what writers are supposed to do. Good job. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Ink Dragon

16 years 10 months ago

Hi Mr Thomson,

I like this almost casual love poem a lot, and have to agree with Jonathan that your metre is, for the most part, great here. There are two lines I think could even be enhanced by very small changes: l.1: The waves rush in with hiss and roar, and l.9: The sea breeze, cool, plays with your hair, Suggestions, as always, are just that, suggestions, yours to take or to ignore. Yours, ~Nina

Skumpfsklub

16 years 10 months ago

Jonathan is right; the piece is formally bulletproof

and it carries the brief narrative along with amazing fluency and strength. The sweet final declaration is appended seamlessly. But I'm gonna dare suggest that you reconsider the utility you have of all those commas. They might be more than is wanted, and this is marked (for me) in the first line, where 'with hiss and roar' stands between commas. They impose a pair of pauses that I would prefer not to make were I to recite this piece---possibly as an example of 'a damn fine piece I read recently, written in really tight iambic tetrameter'---to a third party, also sitting bored in a dentist's office, also waiting for his kid to come out from having his braces adjusted. Perry

Tam the Chanter

16 years 10 months ago

Aphrodite's Rock

Ladies and gentlemen, I (for once) am at a loss. I can only say how delighted I am with your approval. It must indeed be love, we have our 40th anniversary this September. I am a lucky man. Kindest Regards Ian T

weirdelf

16 years 10 months ago