thursday night healing circle

we sat in a circle
said our names and
breathed deeply
through our mouths
quick staccato breaths
followed by a long
sighing exhale
then went around
the circle
revealing what
pains we wanted
to heal. 

the first lady had pain
in her shoulders
probably tension
the girl beside her
wanted to work
on faith issues  
the Japanese girl 
was feeling ”lost,”
as if she didn’t know
how she fit into
the world
anymore
and she was also getting
strange rashes
onher left hip and thigh.

beyond this I can’t
remember what the
other issues were
my mind drifted
as people talked
and then this
guy entered
late
his name was Doug
almost everyone knew him
he apologized for being late
sat down in the seat
saved for him
said it was very difficult
being here tonight
three weeks ago he tried to take his own life he wanted it to be all over ignorance is bliss he wanted to end the vicious cycle and took sleeping pills his roommate found him but he wouldn’t let his roommate call the doctor so the roommate just sat by his side and talked to him and tried to keep him awake until it all went black and a day and a half later he was awake and Levi (the leader of the circle) asked why he would do such a thing and Doug said he was just tired and tired of how his life had turned out and how he never thought he’d end up like this he always thought he would become famous and have children but not like this this nothing who just has a nothing day job he doesn’t know how to love and he hates people because when people say they like him he knows it’s all bullshit because how could anyone like him and Levi suddenly boomed Doug you just like being a drama queen, and you think that suicide is the ultimate drama queen act when its not it’s just incredibly stupid and even now you’re being a drama queen coming in late, making a big entrance and dropping this story on all of us who care about you and Doug just kept crying and saying how he hated himself and this girl to my left, this pretty blonde girl who looked like Heather Graham just collapsed into tears and ran out into the hallway and vomited all over the floor and someone ran out to help her while the rest of us just sat there some looking at Doug as he racked himself in sobs and others couldn’t look didn’t know where to look and Doug’s friend this gray haired lady with a paisley shawl wrapped around her sitting right next to him took his face in her hands and said look at me and tell me I don’t really love you.  You think you are horrible but we all love you and are so attracted to you and you have so much power and love inside and what nonsense are you talking about and we all just looked and this other lady said, Doug tell us something good about yourself, that is, besides the fact that you dress so well and we all laughed and Doug laughed and sobbed and said well I want to like people but I can’t, and the girl just kept saying, ok Doug you want to like people, that’s good, and Doug said no I want to like people but I can’t and she kept insisting great Doug you want to like people that’s great now tell us something else you’re good at….and Doug looked down at his shoes and said nothing and then in a small childlike voice said, I sing well , I sing well, so Levi said sing and there was a pause and then Doug began to sing in this beautiful falsetto “Amazing Grace” and for a few minutes we were transported transfixed by this exquisite voice and I thought how strange that he would sing this song because I have only ever heard it at funerals and then this other lady the tough lesbian with the salt and pepper hair and patagonia pullover who hadn’t said anything up to this point said choking back tears do you know where that song came from Doug?  Do you?  It was written by a slave trader, and one day while he was sailing his ship full of slaves from africa over the south atlantic he realized that what he was really doing was selling lives, and at that moment he decided to turn the ship back  towards Africa and free the slaves and this is the song he wrote about that moment that very moment when he made the decision to change everything in his life everything can change Doug everything can change and more people started crying and Doug got really quiet and the room went very very quiet and Levi said ok, ok, let’s all begin and we all closed our eyes
and began to breathe deeply, sharp staccato breaths, and then
sigh,
sigh,
sigh
each of us sinking into meditation
trying to focus on the breathing
on the air slipping
in and out
between our lips
in and out
in
and out
each of us sinking deeper
each of us lost
but hoping
to be found
each of us blind
but hoping
to see.