I WANT TO...

I want to Run my tonguearound the corner of your sighs. I want to Lick this languid longingfrom the neck of "no goodbyes." I want to Suck successfrom the sweetness of your smile. I want to Taste your threshold
sipping charms from the sublime.
BjR July 18, '09

— Bonitaj, Jul 16, 2009

About the Author

Region, Country: Tip of Southern Africa, ZAF

Favorite Poets: Too many to narrow down, but briefly :, AUDEN, T.S. ELIOT, DICKENSON, RILKE, THOREAU, RUMI ... the list is endless. Am inspired by many, especially those that live lives of "quiet desperation, and go to the grave with a song still in them" (THoreau)

Critiques

Ink Dragon

17 years ago

Boni,

here I am! Sorry for taking so long to get round to this piece. Another sense (sensual?) poem! I like your flow, it runs really well. And the alliteration is great, too. Why do you have those bold letters there? Am I missing something? Yours, ~Nina

bjp

17 years ago

Dear Bonita,

Look at you! "I want to Run my tongue around the corners of your sighs." This is a very nice image. As is, "I want to Lick this languid longing from the neck of “no goodbyes.”" You are working hard. And that is excellent. I don't quite follow the fourth stanza. What is the magnificent mile? Overall, you have put your competitive spirit to work and the improvement is immediate. Sorry for chipping away earlier. Oh, discretion, thou be the saintliest and thorniest of meals. Brian

Bonitaj

17 years ago

voila! These life in these them hills!

Hello Brian Thank you - I quite liked the sensuousness of this one too. The last stanza has something to do with unboundedness - Initially I had said: BEYOND THE PARAMETERS OF THIS MAGNIFICIENT MILE i.e. beyond boundaries or limits in terms of distance, spatial measurements. (also to indicate the INfiniteness of this particular 'journey' if you like) Does that make sense? should I reinstall the entire line as above? Appreciate your comments as always Bonita j

bjp

17 years ago

Dear Bonita,

My apologies for the long delay in response. Initially it was due to struggle with the alternative suggestion. Then we were away for a time. Now I have had a chance to look at the rewritten line with which I don't have troubles of confusion. Now I may seem to suggest a move to confusion. At least, I will report what I occasionally do: I use a second verb disparate from the first. Here the first verb in the forth stanza is taste. So, I would pick a very surprising verb to lead the second phrase of the forth stanza. You have moved from taste to sipping. My sometimes thought is to move to such verbs as pushing, bemoaning, pearing, nipping, investing, filleting, etc. There are many to consider, this list only being a short sample. Sipping is not bad. It is in the sphere of the expected. The suggestion is to move beyond the expected. Brian

themoonman

17 years ago

Boni...

This is very good but I have to agree with both Nina and Brian, I didn't think the "bold" type was needed and thought the ending could have been stronger. For me "mile" indicates the fact that all things are limited... perhaps a minor change would help the line... changing "this" to "our" maybe... and perhaps even a change from "magnificent" to something that doesn't start with an "m" would help to sound better and feel more magical like the other lines... just suggestions Boni, I really like this piece! Richard

Ink Dragon

17 years ago

Boni,

I have to agree with Richard that the last stanza does not come across as powerful as the other three. Now, how could that be fixed? I think the word "magnificent" may indeed be the "problem" here, as it breaks the flow. I want to taste the threshold of our neverending mile seems to run smoother for me, but I don't know if that is what you're wanting to say (?). The first three stanzas I like very much here, though I am still wondering about the bold letters... I'm waiting for your explanation! Don't make me wait with bated breath! Yours, ~Nina

Seren

17 years ago

to taste the threshold of

to taste the threshold of this magical mile ? lol just kidding loved this one Boni , beautifully done (as usual) LOL big hug Love Jayne x x

Bonitaj

17 years ago

Jawohl Leute! (ok people!)

Have to smile at how kindly you put forward your criticisms... I think you could hear a deafening sigh coming out to the universe after the last couple of scorchings I got! Thanks guys! Here's the deal. the Bold lettering on those words- my diagnosis:ORAL FIXATION! prognosis: NOT GOOD - it's terminal! and I do happen to like them. sorry that I have you running the gauntlet on my MAGNIFICIENT MILE! I quite liked it I have to tell you- but if you insist...lol I'll take a look at it! Ta for now! Boni Right! Been there DONE THAT - and isn't she a beauty! :)lol Please come back and paste your stars for approval! BjR

Seren

17 years ago

Boni

Though I will miss them the stars are going so I am getting used to giving critiques without the stars ... the fact that you have so many comments says much to how good this poem is my little joke up top wasnt a critism hun .. I loved all of this ... ****** six stars for your working hard and the results are the proof ... I loved this one ... Love Jayne x x

meic

17 years ago

Be bold ...

Well I like the bold bits ... a kind of instruction manual for you-know-what in miniature. It think it is both witty and fun. Fun, believe it or not, is good. I guess I'd have written 'slide' rather than run - but I'm not very subtle sometimes, and it's your poem not mine. Mike "not all matterings of mind equal one violet" ~ e e cummings ~

Bonitaj

17 years ago

THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL

Like your thinking! Only thing about 'Slide" is it conjures up something about being "sly" to me in this instance... lol Glad that you too like to be BOLD! CHeers Boni

Ink Dragon

17 years ago