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Nilmini
Nilmini
Jul 16, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

It's Spring Time of life!

An array of fish        Swim around in the sea.A variety of fruits                 For you to pick and eat. You may go on                    Having fun through the lotUntil you come across          The one to tie the knot. Wouldn't you be glad            If you settle for the best?Would you give a damn            To the tasted rest? Will you never be sorry?       And will you end your hunt?Or would you start looking forA new fruit to please your tongue?

 

 
— Nilmini, Jul 16, 2009

About This Poem

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Country/Region: LKA

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Critiques

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

16 years 10 months ago

I like

the contrast between the fish and the fruit. To me, it felt like the pacing was interrupted in the last stanza when you broke off your rhyming scheme. However, the poem doesn't rhyme in the first stanza, and that is my favorite lines. Always, Cat
Rett

Rett

16 years 10 months ago

Nilmini

I like the nice balance of rhyme and non-rhyming on this one. You pulled it off very nicely. I do have a bit of trouble with the flow of it in the last stanza though. The first three stanzas roll sweetly of the tongue, but tend to stumble in the last stanza. Read it out loud and see if you agree. There is more said here than meets the eye and I find the underlying message very good. Respectfully, Rett: "At twenty, if you are not a liberal, you have no heart. At thirty, if you are not a conservative, you have no brain." Winston Churchill
Nilmini

Nilmini

16 years 10 months ago

Thank you so much

Cat & Rett, I cannot agree with you more that there is this flaw in the last stanza. I agree that the last line of the last stanza is longer in length as well as it doesn’t rhyme well. In fact I struggled so much at it, not knowing how to finish the poem with a perfect end. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't find a rhyming word that would give the meaning I wanted. Finally, I thought of only sticking with the idea I wanted to express. I wrote this in last May (2008). But didn’t want to publish it as I was unsatisfied. I hope you’d try to help me in improving this and would gladly welcome whatever suggestions that you might have in this regard. Looking forward to hear from you again with more of your ideas. Best Regards, Nilmini