Seren

Jul 15, 2009 ⭐ See this poem's read count — a supporter feature

Opened Eyes (Acrostic)

Opening the sky in the trapdoor of mind
purple rain glittered in perception
energized lipids easing into pore
nuanced by your seeped blessings
evil soaked out of pores
dropping to hopes stream lightened

Eves lights make beauteous rainbows
yielding my night to silence
eternal dreams of Indigo light
Serenity of my purple flames of peace

— Seren, Jul 15, 2009

About the Author

Region, Country: Beyond the Black Stump..Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda, P.K.Page, W.H.Auden, to many and various to include them all ...

Critiques

Geezer

17 years ago

Nice job

I am not very well versed in the ways of acrostics and so do not feel competent to make real critique. But would make two changes here. I would write: "Eyes of light make beauteous rainbows." Eternal dreams of blue light." [Indigo] seems too dark for rainbows, I was also trying so hard to make sense of "downy flows" that I lost the sense of what it was about that trickled. I love the line " Opening the sky in trapdoor of mind." Reminds me of a tattoo that my boy Spencer wants to get. He wants a slightly open door with a set of stairs going down, and a bare light-bulb hanging on a plain wire hanging down over the stairs. "ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD!" LMAO! Anyways, good job for first time on acrostic.~ Gee.

Seren

17 years ago

Gee

I cringed putting this one on I hate it I really need to study it more but i wanted to break out of my comfort zone ... ekkk I did it but with a spectacular fuck up LOL awww well I will work on this one like I work on the rest maybe we can make silk out of a sows ear (hug) thanks for taking the time though ... This was hard but I will look at it with a fresh mind in a couple of days and tweak it I have been very tired the last few days getting little sleep am off to try and sleep and forget this one for a minute so it doesnt send me barmy lol Love Jayne x x Lol I just reread it and It would have probably only made sense to me as well LMAO so I made a few tweaks dont know if it improves it or not let me know I am NOW going to bed ... yeah right LOL (hug) thanks for having a look at this one Gee muchly appreciated :)

Candlewitch

17 years ago

In breaking

out of your comfort zone, you have done a great job and I commend you on it. I very much like the subject matter. I don't know very much about acrostics, but I thought that the whole title was supposed to be included (the representation for "Serenity's" is missing.) I could be very wrong about this, so I would look it up if I were you. Here are a few places you might check: http://www.enchantedlearning.com/poetry/acrostic/ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Acrostic http://www.poetryteachers.com/poetclass/lessons/acrostic.html I hope this helps. BTW, very nice writing! Love, Cat

Seren

17 years ago

Thanks Cat

Will take the offending serenity out of the title your right thanks so much for the read I am going to keep working on this one and fine tune it before I try another that will be my learning curve ... thank you (hug) much Love Jayne x x

Geezer

17 years ago

Another star for the rewrite

Another star for the rewrite! You have made it better! I hope we weren't too hard on you. I don't have any more suggestions about how to tweak this. It is up to you, how far you go. I am almost afraid that one may be disappointed with the newest Jason - Grandpa poem, It's so short! I just felt that it was better said with mostly Jason's words and not too many of my own. It typifies a child's view and how feels. Loves and hugz Gee.

Seren

17 years ago

Thanks Gee

It was your comment that made me realise that even though I understand what I meant others might not LOL so I thought I better make it clearer ... I love having a certain mystery to my pieces but there is no mystery if noone understands them ...(BIG HUG) so thank you very much my eyes are getting opened a lot lately much Love Jayne x x And I am sure I wont be disappointed in your poem Gee no matter how long they are

yenti

17 years ago

Jayne

As this was the first acrostic (Agnostic I call them) You did a very good job, some of your words I will look up later LOL, I have only ever written 7 of these and you will just have to let them flow. I saw there was a competition this month so I couldn't resist, had to wake up my Aardvark, and pick up some puppy poo, then write a little on beautiful, was going to do a series on peoples names on this site but it will take a while to do. Anyway you must rest a bit more as you seem tired we will send you some healing to let you rest and some energy to hold you steady in your ways, Our love to you, Ian and Anne

Seren

17 years ago

Ian

I have great respect for anyone that tries this .. it isnt easy !! there are so many layers you have to work on , I often just let the words flow but with this I found it hard I am going to try and work on having a better flow .... I will look for your entry in the competition !!! I dont feel I am of any great skill yet for competitions LOL I think I will leave that to those that have a clue what they are doing my friend ... Maybe done the track I will I just dont feel I have the skill level yet , but maybe down the track its something I would consider as i continually step further out ... I am tired of late Ian but its been a rough couple of weeks,but my writing has been a godsend keeping my mind of things , thank you so much for your kind wishes much Love to you and Anne (hug) Jayne x x

Seren

17 years ago

I am already Happy I stepped out

Thank you kelsey I dont like asking for help till they are here I worked on this for a few days and when I got stumped put it on last night ... I know I am no great scribe at this one LOL ... thanks for the help I have copied all that and will have a look later on tonight when its quiet I do appreciate you taking the time Kelsey I felt like a child writing this one, lost and unsure, but like I said I have to step out of my comfort zone to improve ... thanks for the help huni .. Big Love Jayne x x

faerybeki

17 years ago

Jayne, great job for first

Jayne, great job for first attempt, I love acrostics but do tackle them a little differently to others I've read here. I'm in agreement with most of Kelsey's suggestions but must admit there is something about 'Eve's' light that I quite like, implies feminity and paradise as well as the coming of the night :) As ever I enjoy your imagery and the sense of spirituality that runs through your work. Keep pushing yourself babe, but not too hard eh? :) hugs and much love Beki xx

Seren

17 years ago

Beki

Thanks for the read this isnt my usual stuff but I am trying to experiment , I had actually always thought to keep Eve's light as it is exactly how I want to say it and what I want implied so good call ... I am just writing when I can hun I am tired the last few days but I will be right again soon just a rough patch you take care and keep dancing I often think of you and your little one dancing lol (hug) Love Jayne x x

faerybeki

17 years ago

:) lol We’ve mostly been

:) lol We've mostly been doing the 'hokey-cokey' recently, and funnily enough I often think of you when we dance ;) I'm happy you have your writing Jayne, it's a wonderful gift/tool/distraction. Rest up babe and know Omi and I dance love for you, hugs Beks xxx

Seren

17 years ago

LOL Beki !!

I got visions of you and Omi dancing the hokey pokey lol Thanks for the comment this one was a first attempt but hopefully with a little practice i can improve , And I havent been the best lately but today is a good day so I will dance my way round Neopoet and catch up with everyones recent stuff LOL off to see what you ahve been writing .. Much love Jayne x x

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