Speechlessness

I sat to write a poem for thee
a daunting thing I will agree
coherent thought a mystery
though time and again I’ve tried

I’ve written some and then erased
smoked a cigarette and paced
original words have been replaced
to reflect what I feel inside

I merely say a simple thank you
but in my mind that still won’t do
still waiting for my brain to brew
so far it’s not replied

Once it’s had time to percolate
exemplary words at any rate
appropriate for my good mate
who was there right by my side

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Incorporating suggestions, I think I've managed to smooth out stanza 1. I liked some of the suggestions Jonathan had, and his suggestions prompted me to look at everything with a microscope, and ended up modifying all 4 stanzas in some way. I'm hoping that the general flow has improved, and some of my weaker choices of words have grown a pair now that they've been amended.
Again, Thank you for the comments and suggestions, they're much appreciated.

— infinite_dwarf, Jul 13, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: North Carolina, USA, USA

Favorite Poets: E.A. Poe, Lewis Carroll, Charles Bukowski, Michael McClure, Lawrence Ferlenghetti.

Critiques

Rett

16 years 11 months ago

Jess, I like this

Other than the first stanza it flowed very smoothly. I have a few suggestions that only apply to the first stanza. I sat to write a poem for thee but words seemed to elude me (but the words eluded me) my thoughts won’t come together completely( the thoughts won't form completely) though time and time I’ve tried (though time and again I've tried) Use or toss as required. The rest of the poem is very good! Respectfully, Rett: "At twenty, if you are not a liberal, you have no heart. At thirty, if you are not a conservative, you have no brain." Winston Churchill

infinite_dwarf

16 years 11 months ago

Thanks, Rett.

Yes, like I said in chat, I wasn't completely bowled over by the word choice for the first stanza either. I like your suggestions, and will incorporate them or something similar into a revision - which may be a couple days, as I anticipate a busy week, unfortunately. Thanks, Tex! ~Jess K. ----------------------- "Why worry? There should be laughter after pain. There should be sunshine after rain. These things have always been the same. So why worry now?" - Dire Straits

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

The only reference I can find, offhand

To the style is Chained or Interlocking verse. I love the style because it gives a coherence to the work and a breathlessness to the stanza. As usual, I have a few suggestions which are [BRACKETED]. Nothing really major, just playing around with the meter to smooth out some things. As usual, discard at your leisure. ============================== I sat to write a poem for thee but words [scuttled away from] me my thoughts [they meshed so errantly] though time and time I’ve tried I’ve written [some] and [then] erased smoked a cigarette and paced original words now replaced [for what] what I feel inside I [might] say a simple thank you but in my mind that just won’t do still waiting for my brain to brew but so far it’s not replied [Once] it’s had time to percolate the [perfect] words at any rate [barely worthy of] my good mate who was there right by my side ============================== --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

infinite_dwarf

16 years 11 months ago

Thanks, friend

What do you think of the modifications? I incorporated some direct suggestions (Rett's time and again. and a couple of yours) and found similar words for the rest. As mentioned above, both of y'alls strengthening prodded me to do a lot of rearrangements. Thank you again to you both for your time. ~Jess K. ----------------------- "If the shoe fits, buy another one like it!" - George Carlin "If you default on payment to an exorcist, do you get repossessed?"

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

I like it

It flows much more easily and reads much cleaner, with the rhymes and the structure holding it together but not so prominent that the reader could predict the words to follow. I love that you took a look at the whole poem based on inspiration and thought from the suggestions. What a lot of people fear with critique is a "do this" mentality rather than a "what does this make you think?" Well done indeed. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Kenneth Sharp

16 years 10 months ago

I liked the pacing, and the

I liked the pacing, and the word play. The fourth stanza brought it home, with an effective closing.

infinite_dwarf

16 years 10 months ago

Thanks, Ken

I, too, really like this structure, though I don't know what it is called. thanks for stopping by. ~Jess K. ----------------------- "Handle every situation like a dog: if you can't eat it, or screw it, then piss on it and walk away!" - unknown

Kailashana

16 years 10 months ago

I prefer the last sentence:

I prefer the last sentence: who was there,right by my side. Although I rarely write like this, it sure as hell takes talent (of which I have none). Applause! ~A "You can avoid reality, but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality." Ayn Rand

infinite_dwarf

16 years 10 months ago

LOL, thanks Anna

To be honest, I shy away from structured poetry, too. But... sometimes the rigidity is refreshing and keeps me sharp. Last sentence - they were. =) ~Jess K. ----------------------- "Handle every situation like a dog: if you can't eat it, or screw it, then piss on it and walk away!" - unknown