Pugilist

Jul 11, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Train Wreck

Train Wreck

All that was missing was the gore:
Twisted metal and broken bones;
Disheveled fragments strewn before
The crowd gathered amongst the stones.

I stumbled on this gruesome scene,
I offered aid and sound advice,
"How dare you dare to intervene!"
I'd just begun to see the price.

"It's from my heart!" I hear the cry.
"It's how I feel!" the wailing states.
"You must be hateful . . ." they imply
And even less savory traits.

The meter fails, the rhyme is weak,
The message neither fresh nor true.
The pleas for love are far too bleak;
The structure weaves a path to rue.

Poetry, to these sad children,
Is raw tantrum and pointless bile.
They vomit on the page and then
Bronze it in worship as worthwhile.

Critique is viewed as an assault
So I am vicious in their eyes
And since they claim freedom from fault
It's not their work that I despise.

===============================================================

Recent discussions inspired me to knock this together. I've given it a day or so to cook and made some modifications but I suspect there are quite a few stumbles I am missing at this point.

Harsh critique is greatly appreciated.

If, by some slim chance, someone to whom this poem is applicable reads it and is offended; good. But the chances of that happening are slim as the cliques of members referenced avoid any actual opportunity for improvement or growth and they've decided I am too mean.

It's simplified my life.

Update 7/12/2009

Dropped 4 stanzas out of the piece and modified lines in most remaining stanzas. This was done due to the excellent critique I received. Honest and forthright critique is important to any serious writer.

— Pugilist, Jul 11, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Jacksonville area, FL, USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Keats, Kipling, Carroll, Yeats, Tolkien, Shakespeare

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Critiques

Geezer

16 years 11 months ago

One -Two Punch...

Or is it chop? I tried real hard to find something harsh to say, but with my inexperience and blather getting in the way, couldn't do so. Oh well, I am sure there will be another time.

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

I appreciate the review

And hope to see any ideas of yours when they strike. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

I'll take a look at stanza one

And see what I can do about it. My biggest issue is not the people who want to just present their poetry and never improve, my biggest issue is letting their anti-workshop mentality and hysteria define Neopoet.com. I appreciate your review and comment and indication of a problem in the piece. The day anyone writes anything that could not use a bit of polish or smoothing out is the day pig start levitating, not just booking flights. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

Stanza one

Per Kelsey's stumble, I've modified stanza one to remove a word order affection. The affection was not critical and I feel the modification smooths out the line per Kelsy's suggestion of switching the two words "crowd" and "gathered." I also modified line on for punctuation and line two by moving the "and from the beginning of the line to the middle. I contemplated swapping out "amongst" for "among" but for some reason am partial to the older feel of the word "amongst." Perhaps another might tell me how the hard "st" ending feels. All critique is welcome. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

theladyblue

16 years 11 months ago

Jonathan

After the first read I found myself fighting with the 'abab' rhyme scheme. I believe that it is totally related to the pacing that I came to expect (given the subject). However, after re-reading, several times, I feel that it works here. I am not the most qualified person to comment or correct technique but I give it a go anyhow. I do agree with the usage of 'amongst'. It seems to have a more poetic feel to it. I dare say, while I am impressed with your use of technique, it feels like the content suffered because of it...perhaps I was wishing for a little more of a blood bath. haha XD <3 Emarie p.s. In my humble opinion...maybe you were a tad to easy on the lot...no? _________________________________________________________________________________ "i read you and see…that between the pen, paper and you…there is little room for me…" ~ heartbreaker~Go Live & Get Rewarded!!! Check us out at http://www.neopoet.com/forum/20761 & the Community Calender!!!

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

I appreciate the comments

And the perspective, more than I can really say. Of the things I was trying to accomplish here, setting a tone of an accident scene, setting the tone of my initial involvement, the response, and why the situation bothers me, it's OK but is lacking power as you have indicated. I need to revisit this piece with an eye toward slimming it down, I think, a setup, and realization, a characterization of how they act, and my own conclusion. probably no more than 6 stanzas. Normally when I start a piece I have a fairly definite destination to it and in this piece I had that in mind but could never seem to get there, which May account for the less impactful nature you are noticing. I appreciate the comments and insight. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

theladyblue

16 years 11 months ago

the skinny

funny you should mention slimming down...I hesitated in my comment to say it was a little too 'wordy' for my taste because I truly felt like I was missing the grand scheme of things. I am impressed with visual and the first line sets the tone yet some where in there it seems to get muddled...perhaps for the sake of keeping form or even for rhyming sake. I, myself, tend to not put something down until I feel that it is the best I can give however...I tend to be wrong quite a lot! haha I appreciate your talent and your honesty in asking for feedback. It is something I ask for to but well...you know it rarely happens or at least it feels that way! Enough of my rambling this morning... <3 Emarie ________________________________________________________________________________ "i read you and see…that between the pen, paper and you…there is little room for me…" ~ heart breaker~ Go Live & Get Rewarded!!! Check us out at http://www.neopoet.com/forum/20761 & the Community Calender!!!

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

Thanks

I believe the shortened work is tighter and has more impact, not the least because of the modification of the last line from a lament to a conclusion of action. Thanks again for your insight and comments. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

Thank you all

For your input and suggestions and observations. I've dropped 4 stanza out of the poem and reworded most of the others slightly including line 4 of stanza 2 which always bothered me as a placeholder without any real value. At your leisure I would appreciate any additional critique or comment. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Candlewitch

16 years 11 months ago

Hmmm

At first I thought this piece was about an actual trainwreck. And then I found out it is ;) My favorite lines are: The meter fails, the rhyme is weak, The message neither fresh nor true. The pleas for love are far too bleak; The structure weaves a path to rue. I have to admit I don't understand meter, but Jess, weirdelf, has recomended a good book for me to learn what I need to know about meter. The last line of this poem seems to fall flat for me. Could be just me. Always, Cat

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

If it falls flat for you

The the fault is mine. More than likely the whole last stanza needs a review and rebuild. I appreciate the review and comment and will see about getting that last stanza into shape. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

Last Stanza

Both Emarie and Cat noted a problem with the last stanza. I've given it another go and hope this is a better flow and stronger ending. It's also a truer representation of my attitude so may sound more sincere. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Candlewitch

16 years 11 months ago

=0

much better! Always, Cat

Candlewitch

16 years 11 months ago

For Some Strange Reason

The system won't let me update the stars rating on my original response, so i will have to do it here, as I feel it is warranted. Always, Cat

theladyblue

16 years 11 months ago

Bravo

Much improvement here! The read is much smoother for me now and the impact is there! I do feel a little wonky on the last stanza but its just a minor stumble really...I myself would trade 'with' for 'at' i.e. 'They spasm hate [at] each advance' just seems to read easier for me... very nice edits my friend <3 Emarie __________________________________________________________________________________ "i read you and see…that between the pen, paper and you…there is little room for me…" ~ heart breaker~ Go Live & Get Rewarded!!! Check us out at http://www.neopoet.com/forum/20761 & the Community Calender!!!

theladyblue

16 years 11 months ago

yayayayayayaya

ok so I'm gonna [for lack of a better word] gush here hehe...very nicely done! bang, bang with a rose in the barrel ~~<~@ <3 Emarie _________________________________________________________________________________ "i read you and see…that between the pen, paper and you…there is little room for me…" ~ heart breaker~ Go Live & Get Rewarded!!! Check us out at http://www.neopoet.com/forum/20761 & the Community Calender!!!

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

Oops

My own fault for not looking carefully enough at the spell check options - corrected now and thanks for the catch. As for the pruning and change in focus on the ending, when I was writing it I kept finding more to say but when I reviewed it all looked redundant. Even though I liked the structure and the flow, I started to get the feeling on review that I was getting lost as to the point of the piece. But, against type, I've kept records of the pruned stanzas so who know - perhaps in another moth or so I may make other decision. Kelsey, I appreciate your comments and critique. Critique is not a function of age or experience, for while those can refine and add depth to critique, it takes a critical (in the best and most classical sense of the word) eye and a love of poetry, not just our own words on a page, and it gladdens my heart to see you and others embrace it. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Skumpfsklub

16 years 11 months ago

Content neatly framed; the shape is well-executed, and does

nothing to interfere with gettin' the frickin' point across, viz., that a critic must criticize according with his criteria---NOT according with the criteria of the poet. Perhaps that's too subtle a point. You might want to consider using 'vicious' in place of 'viscous.' (L22) ------------ A comment on content: There is a breed of poet who finds in immediacy alone the mark of the authentic, the passionate. And in this, they find the validation of the work. I don't find that any more comprehensible than you do---but I gotta recognize the phenomenon, and come up with some way of dealing with it. I find it simplest simply to make the one encounter with a 'spontaneous gush of reality' poet the last encounter. You cannot be expected to put up with abuse for giving honest service. And it's vain to try to change ingrained behavior. Surely you've noticed that the breed is incredibly prolific---at least in terms of number of works. They've been doin' it this way for a long time, and they are not gonna invalidate their own poetic history by adopting your view. They have the inertia of habit, and the firm sense that what they have been doing has been right. NO ONE is eager to say, "I was a fool for thirty-two years; I must go back to square one and begin again." And no one is happy to hear that said of one, either. The move is probably counterproductive, Jonathan---but I allow that it might salvage the salvageable, and make the unsalvageable no more so than they were before. Perry

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

Fixed the spellcheck "fix"

And "oops" on that. It's taken me the better part of a year but I've reached a similar conclusion about the show folk. Nothing I am willing to say to them will make a difference so I'll concentrate on those people demonstrating they have a desire to interact in a poetry workshop. Don't get me wrong, my contempt for the parasites will remain evident, I just won't deal with them except on very rare occasions. So I will, finally, embrace your wisdom. See, even I can learn once in a while. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Tam the Chanter

16 years 11 months ago

train wreck

Liked it, especially stanza4 which you dumped !I would have re-vamped 4 to give it a chance. If I may be so bold; The rhythm fails, the rhyme too weak The message neither fresh nor true. Their pleas for love they should not speak The structure buckles-START ANEW!

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

Always be bold

If only to keep us all honest. I'm still looking at stanza 4 with a jaded eye. It and 5 are required but remain problematic. Thanks for the suggestions and review. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

infinite_dwarf

16 years 11 months ago

Jonathan

Line #1 - what do you think about closing with a colon : instead of a comma ,? My reasoning: it gives a slightly longer pause, and indicates that examples of the carnage are to follow? Stanza #5 - what rhythm am I to read this in? I only ask because no matter how I've changed the tempo, etc, 'bronze it as praise just as worthwhile' came out a mouthful. Maybe it's just me. I had to laugh at your afterword - for reasons that you know of. =) Your message rings loud and clear - and that's the name of that tune..... ~Jess K. ----------------------- "Why worry? There should be laughter after pain. There should be sunshine after rain. These things have always been the same. So why worry now?" - Dire Straits

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

Updated Stanza 5

And took your suggestion on Line 1. I like the set up rather than soft intro it creates. Stanza 5 may still require a review and reconstruction. I'll play aorund with it on my flights tomorrow and see. Thanks greatly. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Julius

16 years 11 months ago

Nice

Well done. I'm not very experienced with this type of thing (poetry), but nor am I easily entertained. Having said that, I think this work is awesome. Many people use the metaphor "train wreck" but your work put a picture of it in my head and made me realize its true similarity to your described situation. As long as you don't always write about hating on stuff and this was new for you, I applaud it. But don't make this negativity thing a habit, you have too much talent for that.

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

Good Advice

Anyone who takes up tenure on any subject is limiting themselves and negative subjects with no resolution or growth, and their antithesis, are amoung the worst subjects on which to get stuck. Thanks for the review and comment. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

infinite_dwarf

16 years 11 months ago

Jonathan

Am really liking the revisions. St #5 cleaned up nice. I have a question for you, but it doesn't pertain to this write. I'll find a poem of yours that highlights what I'm talking about, and leave my question there. ~Jess K. ----------------------- "Why worry? There should be laughter after pain. There should be sunshine after rain. These things have always been the same. So why worry now?" - Dire Straits

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

Good enough

And thanks for the review and comment. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

yenti

16 years 9 months ago

Yourself

I have enjoyed reading the replies and the hard banter between the poems you write and the Blogs you entrust to us, the whole situation that arises from your work and your reports on others and everthing. Put this all together and they would make a great stage play with each person airing their views to the headmaster, or to tell the headhunter why they should be spared. This is one part of Neo that I had missed but have caught up today. This place needs the headhunter or headmaster some times. As to your piece it was as usual, after a little self adjustment excellent, with the help also of others that say without mercy things that need a tweek. I have promised me, that one day I will write a piece that flows with blood and extreme feelings instead of being so quiet. Lastly you don't seem to like Acrostic things so I thought I would put you in my Dictionary. Pugilist Photograph Uncovers Great Initiative Like Indescreetly Snapping Tiles Maybe this action is making a point out there, could write about how Tiles are protection against the elements but with a swipe of ones hand, the protection is gone La La, Yours Ian.T