Tam the Chanter

Jul 10, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

THE HANGOVER

I discern her bleary outline through one gummy, bloodshot eye

Pulling curtain to let in the noon-day sun.

Too late I pry my velcroed tongue from roof of mouth to cry

“Don’t do that!” but the deadly deed is done.

As the Edinburgh sun fires white-hot darts into my eyes

I twist my head away from source of pain

My tortured taste buds whisper to my poisoned brain no lies

So I must have dined on skunk’s ass once again

The movement of my body causes shrivelled brain to fall

Across the empty void inside my head

It crashes into cranium and slithers down the wall

I groan and whimper, wishing I were dead

But Death (sadistic bastard) will not free me from my hell

As the clog-shod elephants begin to prance

Inside my head they thunder and as far as I can tell

Steam hammers have now joined the merry dance

I swear by all the gods above that I will drink no more

If I can only live through this foul day

Then doorbell rings – delivery from local liquor store

It’s party night! Just practice yesterday!

— Tam the Chanter, Jul 10, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

Critiques

Seren

16 years 11 months ago

I have had such a hangover

I have had such a hangover LOL and I can feel the waking and the shaking of the morning after ... and looking for a hair of the dog LOL ... loved this one I laughed my head off ... Love Jayne ...

Tam the Chanter

16 years 11 months ago

hangover

Thank you Jayne, Remembering the good old days, lying in bed watching the wallpaper roll like a one-armed bandit reel Love Ian T

Psyve

16 years 11 months ago

hangover

Ian, I enjoyed that... including the twist in the tail. Cheers, Psyve

Tam the Chanter

16 years 11 months ago

hangover

Thanks for your time, glad you enjoyed it. I remember it well Kindest Regards Ian T

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

Subject wise this is entertaining and flows fairly well. Structure wise it has some rough edges but nothing critical. You've got an alternating meter which seems comfortable for you. There was one line where you switched tense, line 1 of stanza 3, should be "causes" rather than "caused" to adhere to the tense selection of the rest of the poem. Regional pronunciation and cultural stylings can make exact meter a moving target but I'm having an issue with line 3 of stanza 2. "My taste buds are now working and tell me to realise" At 13 syllables it is not critically short but it is a cumbersome sentence more so that the 14 and 15 syllable sentences above it. I like the image but would review other options for conveying it. As a suggestion: "My taste buds wake with me and shudder and I realise" Or something a bit more conversational. I did laugh aloud at line 8. I don't get hangovers but that does not stop that taste. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Tam the Chanter

16 years 10 months ago

hangover

JONATHAN, My thanks once again for your help. I think it is now much improved thanks to you. Kindest Regards Ian T

Jonathan Moore

16 years 10 months ago

I like the modifications

Minor though they be. This piece was fairly solid to begin with but I do like the modifications in stanza 2. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

deelilah

16 years 10 months ago

I am curious

Hello Ian T. This was an entertaining piece, one which I can relate to all too well. I am curious, trying to learn the ins and outs of real poetry, did you pick a number of syllables to begin with? or did you just let it flow (which it does seem to). I find 14, 10; but then 15 and 11. Then what is it that constitutes western classic, just rhyme, or rhyme and meter?---and then which rhymes and meters? I find postings all the time that rhyme, seem to be in ballad form; further, some are metered; but they are listed free-form. Perhaps, you can enlighten me on this, since you chose western classic, probably because you know something I don't. 'But Death (sadistic bastard) will not free me from my hell As the clog-shod elephants begin to prance Inside my head they thunder and as far as I can tell Steam hammers have now joined the merry dance' 'I swear by all the gods above that I will drink no more If I can only live through this foul day Then doorbell rings – delivery from local liquor store It’s party night! Just practice yesterday!' nice with the elephants and steam hammer's dance not too sure about the last line---but sometimes a little hair (of the dog) can't hurt. Yours, Deelilah

Tam the Chanter

16 years 10 months ago

Deelilah

Thanks for your time. I tend to go with the flow, can't say I try any particular blend. Any lines I'm not sure of rhythmically I say out loud and compare the rhythm to the same line in a previous stanza. Local dialect could be a problem on the net, as I intend my poems to be listened to . It must be difficult for our previous colonies, like the USA, who don't have English as a first language Kindest Regards Ian T

Jonathan Moore

16 years 10 months ago

The most humourous thing about this

Is that it is true. I am fortunate in that I grew up all around the county on and around military basis and have relations in West (by God) Virginia mountain country so am familiar with words and phrases currently out of fashion in the main stream US. What is even more interesting is that the acceleration of the blanding of the language in the US of the last 30 years. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Tam the Chanter

16 years 10 months ago

the hangover

Jonathan, It isn't just in the USA that the English language is being blandified. Fine old words which convey exact meaning are being dumped or hijacked by pressure groups."Between" and "among" are now undifferentiated and as for "gay". I get the impression that text will prevail and that we will all too soon be conversing in mono-syllabic grunts. I hope I can still find linguistic gems such as "monolithic dual avicide" like a diamond in a pail of shit. Rant over Ian T

greeneyes

16 years 10 months ago

wow

i love this what a wonderful way to describe a hangover