While I Drank Love You Poured Betrayal

While I Drank Love You Poured Betrayal

When first we met you spoke of fate
And my heart was given freely
But now I see you could not wait
To shatter and leave the debris

Like some discarded china vase
You'd mistaken for pottery;
The promises in your embrace
Were fractured just as easily.

Those flatteries you blithely spoke
They filled my soul with heady fire,
But now I see were just a cloak
And foul echoes of my desire.

I watched you laugh and stalk away
Through the wintry wreck of my heart,
You left me in drear disarray
To struggle and make a new start.

So take your cup, your loneliness,
Your ragged cloak of misery
And wallow in your sad distress;
You've forfeited eternity.

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This is a rescued poem. I'd originally posted it as an example in a comment to a person who is impervious to improvement and just recently stumbled onto it. I cleaned it up a bit and added a final stanza that I believe closes the work out and improves the message, transforming it from a lament of loss to a lament of decision and a determination to do better.

The important thing is that this now become the first poem to be included in Suck Free Poetry Volume 3: Title to be Determined. My goal is 30+ poems a volume and we shall see how well I do this time.

Thoughts, comments, and harsh critique is welcome.

— Pugilist, Jul 07, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Jacksonville area, FL, USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Keats, Kipling, Carroll, Yeats, Tolkien, Shakespeare

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Critiques

Tam the Chanter

16 years 11 months ago

temerity

Jonathan, I hesitate to comment, but would the line"So take your cup and loneliness" not be better as "cup OF loneliness" Kindest Regards Ian T

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

I have the same thought

When I wrote it, I meant them as two separate items, but when I read it back, "and" became "of" almost without effort. I need to think of this for a bit and see what might present itself. I'm also stumbling on line 9. The problem is that I like the image but am not satisfied with the flow. And seriously, I welcome any comment, suggestion, observation, etc., and I thank you for your time and comment. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

infinite_dwarf

16 years 11 months ago

line # 9

What do you think about "and those dew-drop words you spoke" possibly? That seems to help a little with the flow, yet still keep the "sparkling" image of the original line. The only other thing that kind of caught me a little was: "I watched as you trampled away Through the wintry fields of my heart" - to me, the trampled away doesn't seem like two words that would go together well. Now if you take away the 'away' and 'through', that leaves a pretty powerful image... but then you mess up the disarray line, which I happen to like (though I'd love to see a stronger word than soft...) I dunno.... I did really like how the sad undertones within the write made themselves apparent. And the title was friggin' awesome. ~Jess K. ----------------------- "Why worry? There should be laughter after pain. There should be sunshine after rain. These things have always been the same. So why worry now?" - Dire Straits

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

Changes

A lot of them. Stanza 3 is just about completely re-done and I believe I smoothed out the issue in stanza 5 and added a bit more power to the statement. In the case of stanza 4 lines 2 and 3, I've recast using alliteration and more striking words and I believe the result is smoother. I appreciate the commentary and questions and suggestions. Thank you very much. As for the title, I ave to admit, I really like it. I've had some luck with titles, probably because I put almost as much effort into them as I do the poem, but I believe this one works particularly well. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

Line 8

In a critique to another person recently I mentioned repetition and how it can lose its effectiveness with distance. Well, my seconded use of the word "shatter" fell into this category so I had to take a look at the word use, decide if it was appropriate, and then make a decision as to which use to keep and on which to seek a replacement. "Shatter" is more important in the first stanza, line 4 when tied to line 5 and 6. "Shattered" in line 8 is part of the same sentence and though by itself a good word choice for the vision I was trying to create looses its effectiveness. "Fractured" may not be the perfect word but it does serve to amplify the vision rather than diminish it. Had I used "shatter" consecutively to reference actions, the repetition could have been effective, but that will have to be another poem. Thanks Ian and Jess for the input and comments and suggestions. You've helped me take a decent poem and make it more effective and powerful. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

infinite_dwarf

16 years 11 months ago

Yeah, there you go!

Excellent changes. Everything was effectively fixed: line 9, line 8, and a strong second-to-last stanza. To add to the sadness, a feeling of bitterness and betrayal are now strongly apparent. I love it. Can effectively give you a 5 on this one, now. ~Jess K. ----------------------- "Why worry? There should be laughter after pain. There should be sunshine after rain. These things have always been the same. So why worry now?" - Dire Straits

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

Much appreciated

Both you and Ian were pivotal in making this poem work and I appreciate the insight, suggestions, and observations. In other news, the package I sent should have arrived today. Let me know what you and your husband think. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Candlewitch

16 years 11 months ago

Just dropped by

I read this poem yesterday and noticed that you were having trouble with one of the lines. I decided to wait to comment until you had a chance to work on it. I think that: Those flatteries you blithely spoke is much smoother and fits better than the original line. I enjoyed your poem on love betrayed. Always, Cat

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

Cat

Thanks for the review and comment, it is much appreciated. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)