Wafi

Jul 02, 2009 ⭐ See this poem's read count — a supporter feature

Ghosts Of Terror

The roads
Seem
Widening...
Day by day.
The paths
Now clean...
Traffic lessened...
Pollution
Less...
Markets,
Streets and parks
Cleaner...
Days seem
Shortening...
Though
Summer here;
Nights
Lengthening...
Schools,
Colleges
And universities
Shut...
Cops
Everywhere...
People--
Restricted
To homes...
Ghosts of terror
Roam
In the city...

— Wafi, Jul 02, 2009

Critiques

weirdelf

17 years ago

Am I missing something?

The jump from the first seventeen lines to the last 8 seems a non sequitur. And the trite rhetoric of the last 2 lines is unforgivable. I like the structure but overall it seems kinda gratuitous. Tell me I am being obtuse and stupid, but explain why. Cheers, Jess

Wafi

17 years ago

Thank You Jess

Thank you Jess for taking the time to read and comment. I appreciate your honest opinion about this. Actually I've tried to describe the present situation in the city where I live. Due to worse law and order situation, and bomb blasts etc, the people are restricted to their homes. Now due to the fear of bomb blasts and sucide attacks very less people are seen in the bazars, roads and parks, due to which the traffic has decreased too much... and thus pollution has decreased a lot. Thanks for telling me how you grasp it. Thinking to work on it though. Any useful suggestion from you will be greatly appreciated. Sincerely, Wafi "Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!" ~Afzal Shauq~

themoonman

17 years ago

Wafi...

Perhaps if you make the title the name of the city or even something like... Upheaval in (the city) I also felt the word "now" wasn't needed, with the line breaks it will still flow in the readers mind... or maybe keep it in the first time it is used... the paths now clean... but from there, maybe leave those out. I don't understand all the caps either... they aren't needed through most of it. merely suggestions Wafi... stay out of the streets there... now I understand your comment on my latest poem on a more personal level. Richard

Wafi

17 years ago

Thank You So Much Richard

Thank you so much Richard, for reading and commenting. So thankful to you for your suggestions. Truly appreciated... I liked the idea of making the title the name of the city, too. Will edit it now. Sincerely, Wafi "Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!" ~Afzal Shauq~

weirdelf

17 years ago

Try this

after here! add stanza break. Will make a big difference. And those last 2 lines truly suck. Perhaps some thing like Mussolini made the trains run on time. Terrorism cleans the city. Cheers, Jess

Wafi

17 years ago

"Terrorism cleans the city."

"Terrorism cleans the city." Lolz... Jess, this made me laugh! I can't play with the last lines Jess. Don't think it will do well with out them. Thanks for the support. Sincerely, Wafi "Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!" ~Afzal Shauq~

weirdelf

17 years ago

Can't let you get away with that.

those last 2 lines a trite crap. Might as well say, "if we coud all be nice people.". Terroism is a complex issue. Say to me "Don't worrry, be happy" It is equally meaningless crap. "Cheers, Jess

Wafi

17 years ago

Dont Know

Dont know what to do with that, Jess! Will this piece make sense, without the last lines? or without mentioning Terrorism? What if I just wrte "Terrorism..." instead of the last two lines. Thanks once again Jess, truly appreciate your input. Sincerely, Wafi "Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!" ~Afzal Shauq~

weirdelf

17 years ago

ok, don't listen, don't think

those last 2 lines are trash and you could do better. Cheers, Jess

Wafi

17 years ago

Cheers Jess....

Cheers Jess.... I made some changes and removed the last 2 lines. Thanks a lot friend. I think it is more powerful in meaning now. Hope you will keep supporting me with your tough but constructive criticism. Enjoyed it a lot. Sincerely, Wafi "Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!" ~Afzal Shauq~

weirdelf

17 years ago

Ah, so uch better

5 stars. Tnak you for giving my comment consideration, Jess

Wafi

17 years ago

You Are Always Welcome

You are always welcome, my friend. Sincerely, Wafi "Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!" ~Afzal Shauq~

Rett

17 years ago

Hey Wafi

Seems I am very late to this one. Looks like Jess made his usual good suggestions. Very well done sir. Say hi to the family for me. Respectfully, Rett: "Next time you think you're perfect, walk on water." Rett

Wafi

17 years ago

Thanks A Lot Rett

Thanks a lot Rett, for your loving comment. So happy to see your comment on my poem. Family is doing well and say hi to you as well. Best wishes to you and your beloved Homeland on her Birthday,(Read your blog "America's Birthday) Sincerely, Wafi "Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!" ~Afzal Shauq~

Wafi

17 years ago

Thanks God

Thanks God, things are getting ok now... Wafi "Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!" ~Afzal Shauq~

greeneyes

16 years 11 months ago

wow

iloved it. telling someone how to rewritr their poetry to me is stupid.

Wafi

16 years 11 months ago

Thanks A Lot Green

Thanks A Lot Green, for reading and commenting. I had asked for suggestions about this poem.... And I think it is quite better now. You may check the revisions to see the older one. I appreciate your thoughts. Sincerely, Wafi "Culture, location and beliefs; All vanish with love!" ~Afzal Shauq~

Join Neopoet to leave a critique

Neopoet is a free community of poets who critique and support each other's writing.

Join free Log in