TEDDY BEAR Remix version!

The language use was good, but I think it could have been better. In my opinion, you have written much better. I like the premise of the poem and I believe that you have the talent to make it into a better piece with a little bit of work. It is a good start, keep working on it. Always, Cat I like this version much better. I can see you've worked very hard on it, so I changed my vote!

I guess Candlewitch is right, it could use a little poetic pizzaz, but I think it's a fine poem, none-the-less!

and think the problem is not the naivete but the superficiality of the descriptions (e.g., warm and cuddly, big beautiful eyes, etc). These terms express little and the speaker, an adult triggered to buy a stuffed animal is clearly grappling with some significant emotions. I feel like it needs to be a little more raw--children literally love the stuffing out of their stuffed animals, clinging to them until all their cuddliness and beauty is objectively gone. I might also reconsider the rhyme, maybe abac, so the last lines of the stanza don't sound so pat. Clearly, the relationship didn't come to a nice, neat end.

I do like this one ... but there is something I cant put my finger on , you got your message across splendidly as always but no i cant put my finger on it yet... will have a read later in the day when my mind has caught up with the rest of me lol Much Love Jayne x

No way I am changing my vote , lol its a good poem ... Just lacking something I will think on it and get back to you ... Love Jayne x x

I actually really love some aspects of this poem! I think you are really onto something here: "He belonged to someone “once upon a time” they loved him not enough so he became mine I often wonder what went through his mind he reminds me of you in that sad unspoken time He is made to be mute silent by intent he can never let on how much indifference was spent So he and I are now a new pair he’s the promise of redemption beyond rejection and fear" There is definitely a lot of psychological stuff going on in these passages, that could really be developed into something breathtaking! Loving someone whom is silent or can't let on, or whom is hurt and can't communicate because they didn't love him enough "once upon a time" and how the bear, or the person it signifies is a promise of redemption beyond rejection and fear...Well just reading that entire part gave me the chills! It may take some tweaking, but I think your onto something!

This is a better version--more bite and a more compelling story about the bear and the speaker. I esp. like stanza 4. There are still a number of awkward lines but I don't know how much you want to work on this one.