Ghosts Of Terror

The jump from the first seventeen lines to the last 8 seems a non sequitur. And the trite rhetoric of the last 2 lines is unforgivable. I like the structure but overall it seems kinda gratuitous. Tell me I am being obtuse and stupid, but explain why. Cheers, Jess

Perhaps if you make the title the name of the city or even something like... Upheaval in (the city) I also felt the word "now" wasn't needed, with the line breaks it will still flow in the readers mind... or maybe keep it in the first time it is used... the paths now clean... but from there, maybe leave those out. I don't understand all the caps either... they aren't needed through most of it. merely suggestions Wafi... stay out of the streets there... now I understand your comment on my latest poem on a more personal level. Richard

after here! add stanza break. Will make a big difference. And those last 2 lines truly suck. Perhaps some thing like Mussolini made the trains run on time. Terrorism cleans the city. Cheers, Jess

those last 2 lines a trite crap. Might as well say, "if we coud all be nice people.". Terroism is a complex issue. Say to me "Don't worrry, be happy" It is equally meaningless crap. "Cheers, Jess

5 stars. Tnak you for giving my comment consideration, Jess

Seems I am very late to this one. Looks like Jess made his usual good suggestions. Very well done sir. Say hi to the family for me. Respectfully, Rett: "Next time you think you're perfect, walk on water." Rett

iloved it. telling someone how to rewritr their poetry to me is stupid.

This feels like the inexorable breakdown of Pakistan Wafi and after all the country really is an artificial entity whose existence is more of a boardroom decision rather than being its own natural organic entity. Perhaps the Pakistani people should really make a decision as to what and who they want to be ? Are they Muslims first with a Islamic structure and body politic, with institutions that place all that is islamic and tribal first or are they a so called modern , secular nation dedicated to modernity, science and progress? The British thought the latter and so did Jinnah but the people in the 'Stans were never consulted , ( how could they be) and so now you are riven by conflict. Maybe the real answer is to cut loose and let the people of the interior go their separate ways, face reality and realise that Pakistan as the modern entity the middle classes think it should be is a dream invented for you by former masters who are at this very moment fighting the very people they forced into the federation in the first place. India has faired much better in all its interests and apart from a few separatist tribal, pre-Indian peoples has a much tidier and prosperous house. Why is that? Well I think that it is because India really is a nation not a country thrown together as a half baked answer to imperialist surrender. The saddest of all of course are the victims. The great Pathan people themselves , known through out the world for their traditions of loyalty and hospitality but also for their unswerving anger and military prowess when mistreated or insulted Kal