Pugilist

Jun 25, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

I Saw You There, Standing One Day

I Saw You There, Standing One Day

When last I looked into your eyes,
Your glorious radiant eyes,
I absolutely understood
Why the Sun, the majestic Sun,
Would blush each dawn and every eve
In its modest audacity
As it presumed to share the world
With the ecstasy you define.

When last I witnessed your bright smile
And grasped the soft tremble of Spring
As Winter fled from hearth and home
And days of starlit music shone
Across the season’s precipice
Across the vast fatigued abyss
To perch upon my grateful brow
And comfort me eternally.

Who knew that you and you alone
Would bless my life with such delight?

______________________________________________________________

This is an example of a contest entry for the September 2009 contest

It is tetrameter blank verse and, count em, exactly 500 characters long.

The list of contests and rules, yes, each contest has actual rules folks, can be found here:

http://www.neopoet.com/forum/17517

and the rules specific to this contest are:

September

A love poem without using the following words:
- love
- husband
- wife
- heart
- soul
- feel
500 characters or less

Note that the form is open. I chose a tetrameter blank verse format but you are free to use any form you desire.

So, when do you submit your entry?

— Pugilist, Jun 25, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Jacksonville area, FL, USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Keats, Kipling, Carroll, Yeats, Tolkien, Shakespeare

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Critiques

Ravenshakti

16 years 11 months ago

Very Beautiful!

This poem is truely glorious! I'm at a loss for words... So I'll just say... I love it! Raven

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

Thank you for your kind words

And when will I see your entries into the contests? --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Ravenshakti

16 years 11 months ago

Hello Jonathan...

I'm not certain if this reply was meant for me. But I'll answere none the less. If it's not for me; then I do beg your perdon. I don't enter contests. I realize that my poetry does not appeal to many people. I write what I feel, or dream or perceive. I also don't throw kind words around. If a poem doesn't touch me; I make no comment. I don't like criticism. If you don't love me; I don't want to know, I don't want to hear it. Your silence will speak louder then your words. It's not my ego; It's just my Nature. Wishing you the best, Raven. "I saw old Autumn in the misty morn stand shadowless like Silence, listening to silence." - Thomas Hood (1799-1845) from "Autumn", England

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

And I appreciate all commentary

But, as Contest Director, you have to allow that I will do my best to get as many people as possible to enter contests. But it it always a suggestion, never a requiement. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Ravenshakti

16 years 11 months ago

Hello again Jonathan...

As Contest Director, I am certain you are an excellent one! Your Poetry speaks for you in a beautiful way... There are many talented Poets here at Neopoet; and I appreciate them all. I wish everyone the very best of luck! Gentle Regards, Raven.

Skumpfsklub

16 years 11 months ago

Nice of you to include the hint in the title, Jonathan.

Good illustration! ------------ And it's not a bad poem. That might be error, with regard to the primary purpose of the piece. Remains to be seen. Perry No 'visible' rating on this one, but it's ***, just FYI. I don't want to confuse the issue with a full-blown critique.

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

I cheated

I'm a 2009 cast member of the PA Ren Faire and one of the exercises was to construct Elizabethan compliments so I took my compliments and wrapped them into an example for the September contest. And I agree, it's not a bad poem, it's an OK poem. Structurally sound with a decent flow and image, but that's it. I don't care for it all that much and the only thing that saves it, in my opinion, is that it is not about anyone in particular and can therefore appeal generally rather than specifically. The intended audience of love poetry is normally limited to a single person and the emotional fog involved is enough to assuage the traditional assaults on reason and taste committed by said poetry. Which is why I avoid the genre, --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Skumpfsklub

16 years 11 months ago

Hehehehehe! Yeah, I hate the stuff, too.

Do you think the list of prohibited words is adequate? It lists the very commonly seen words in such stuff, but it does not proscribe against a HUGE set of easy synonyms. Perry P. S., I won't be playing, probably, but I might. It does offer an interesting challenge to me: blank verse. I rhyme almost reflexively---and there's the challenge!

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

I know what you mean about reflex rhyming

And I even fell off the wagon there for a few lines. As for the list of prohibited word, next year, or a supplamental 2/14 contest, we'll expand the list of prohibited words. With this one, I was just hoping to knock people out of the "love/dove, wife/life, soul/my goal" etc rut. Next time though, I agree - a more difficult challenge and probably a smaller character count. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

infinite_dwarf

16 years 11 months ago

question...

Can't use love, wife, husband, etc... or feel. Does that mean any tense of feel as well? If no, then your line "I felt the soft tremble of Spring" technically wouldn't work. Aside from all that, I felt the poem was beautifully done, and it made me smile. I especially liked your opening lines. ~Jess K. ----------------------- "Flying so high, trying to remember How many cigarettes did I bring along? When I get down, I'll jump in a taxi-cab Driving through London-town to cry you a song..." - Jethro Tull

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

oops!

Looks like I have some work to do. Excellent catch. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

Fixed

As Jess had noted, I had made an error so I fixed it and then they syllable count was off so I fixed that too. Now, here's the thing, Jess' notice of this error forced me to make changes to four (4) lines including a word change and the replaced word (grasped instead of felt) is much better word and presents a much stronger image. So, good catch Jess and thank you. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

infinite_dwarf

16 years 11 months ago

blush

I felt like an asshole pointing that out, too.... ~Jess K. ----------------------- "Flying so high, trying to remember How many cigarettes did I bring along? When I get down, I'll jump in a taxi-cab Driving through London-town to cry you a song..." - Jethro Tull

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

But I was so happy you did

I mean this seriously and emphatically. As I had missed it and I had settled for a word when I should have kept digging around for a better one and then the need to review made me look closer at other things I had let slip and now I am happier with the piece. I might even go so far as to say it's a good poem even outside of the structure. I simply cannot stress enough that I want people to nitpick my work. I'll make the final decision as to changes but getting an outside perspective is so very critical. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Seren

16 years 11 months ago

Awesome write and I am

Awesome write and I am finally confident I might try a contest,september is my spring so I will endeavor to produce something by then exact standards LOL jesus I am going to regret this I am thinking .... beautifully done Jonathon ... Love Jayne

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

You are very kind

And I look forward to your contest entries. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Jonathan Moore

16 years 11 months ago

I blame Jess and Perry

You see, this was a rare "one and done" meaning I'd created it without any desire to review it as it was a throw-away contest example. And then perry got me to thinking and then Jess spotted an error and then i had to review it and I found some areas that could be tweaked for flow and to enhance meaning and I could not resist. I believe now with the modification of line 8 this is a stronger poem and flows more smoothly. There are also some minor changes through replacing "that" in line 4 with "the" not only to reinforce the repetition but to remove the slight stumble the hard "t" caused against the word "majestic." And I realise only about 3 people care about this explanation and I don't even offer it for them. I offer it because I am constantly amazed at the difference word order can make (line 3)the way modifying punctuation can enhance a read or pump up a phrase (line 2) the way a word substitution (lines 3, 8, 10) can bring a soft thought into sharper focus. I am amazed by language and, perhaps, this may give folks an insight into why I critique the way I do. Or not, however the case may be. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Tam the Chanter

16 years 11 months ago

competition

Jonny; how's about rhyming couplets like "oddly - ungodly" and my favourite "moon - June" type of iambic pentameter stuff. Would that win or not? KIndest Regards Ian T Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana

Jonathan Moore

16 years 9 months ago

Contest

Ian, Contests work like this: 1) You read the rules 2) You write a poem following the rules 3) The Contest Director makes the first determination as to what entries followed the rules 4) The Contest Director submits entries to the AEC noting which are valid, which are not, and offering an explanation of where invalid entries did not follow the rules 5) The AEC judges all valid entries and selects a winner 6) The winner is awarded a $25 (USD) Amazon.com gift certificate ** message modified after clearing a misunderstanding - personal apologies already made ** --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)