mand

Jun 15, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

If love was....

If love was just an empty space

That would be me.

How sad to be a hollow tree.

Perhaps I need to feel the rain,

Of loss or pain

On this deserted desert plane.

If love was just a stopped up door

That would be me.

How sad to be without a key.

Perhaps I need to change the lock

Or just to knock

Before the striking of the clock.

If love was just a futile journey

That would be me.

How sad to walk eternally.

Perhaps I need to end my pride,

To seek a guide

Before my empty heart has died.

— mand, Jun 15, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

Critiques

Seren

16 years 11 months ago

Mand

I loved every single part of this ... it is awe inspiring writing ... I am going to gush cause it deserves it ... only one suggestion I have that might work ??? last line in the second stanza ?? Before the ticking of the clock. ( before the striking of the clock ) only a suggestion mind you I loved this :) Love Jayne x

mand

16 years 11 months ago

Hi Jayne

Hi Jayne thank you for your kind encouraging words. Yes I agree "before the striking of the clock" there is no time left once the clock strikes, that has a more powerful impact, thank you for that suggestion, I'll change it. Mand

Seren

16 years 11 months ago

i am glad you liked my

i am glad you liked my suggestion Mand I has more punch now I loved it the first time and with that change I wish I could give you another five stars .. love Jayne x x

mand

16 years 11 months ago

Hi Jayne

Hi Jayne I wasn't sure about the last section, I thought it made it fizzle out, still not sure. I look forward to reading some of your poetry. Thanks again. Mand

Seren

16 years 11 months ago

Mand ....

I am going away to a funeral today but when i get back I will , have a look at the end and see what I cant come up with .. just suggestions mind you .. It always helps me when I get a comments to let me know where I am going wrong .. Neo is a great workshop I love how we all help each other ... much Love Jayne x

mand

16 years 11 months ago

Hi Jayne

Hi Jayne, you truly are a star. I've been thinking about the end, I'd like your opinion. If love was just a gapping hole That would be me. How sad to be to frail to see Perhaps I need to find the day Or just to pray To elucidate my pathway. any suggestion or advice would be helpful, if not necessary. Sorry to hear that someone has died. Mand

Seren

16 years 11 months ago

Mand ...

Middle of the night , I couldnt sleep I had a look at what you did ... and then I thought this might be a bit over done but youll get the idea it was a quick edit .... and this is just me and my crazy mind trying to help in some small way lol ok heres what I got from what you left for me lol If love was just a gaping hole That space would be me. An empty place without a face searching for idenity now prayfully my entity illuminates my sanctity. Hope you like my tweaks ... but seriously this was a quick edit and I was just playing with it to see where you could go with it hope you like my tweaking much love Jayne ... LOL I am no star I am a worker Bee buzzing round keeping myself busy ... (hugz) I love this poem I can see where you want to go with it ... take care .. I will contiune to read till your satisfied and done huni :)

mand

16 years 11 months ago

Hi Jayne

O wow you are so kind, thank you. I think we've gone alone the same lines. thank you for all your time and attention, I can see you are a person with lots of love. I can't believe you stayed awake thinking about my poem, your amazing, I want some of what you have got. Thank you once again. Mand

Seren

16 years 11 months ago

I loved this the first time

I loved this the first time round even more so now ... well done nice work .. Love Jayne x

mand

16 years 11 months ago

Hi Jayne

I really struggled with this one. Thank you for all your help and encouragement. Hope to keep in contact with you in the future. Mand