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killtime sonnet #24

No trumpet calls escaped so rough a throat.
'An avalanche of cobblestones and pain'
suggests the sound, and yet I heard him plain.
A clever man, a grand poetic goat.

His coarse and brutal facts became a song
as mysteries were slaughtered or repealed,
my habits of enchantment dis-concealed.
His robust wisdom carried me along.

What benefit in wealth, good looks and luck
when those have that end their lives as fools
believing that they understood the rules?
I bought another poem for a buck.

   It seemed to be about applying varnish
   thinly over silver that might tarnish.

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Seren

Seren

16 years 10 months ago

profound and deep … that

profound and deep ... that thin vanish blocks out the real world to the real lucky sometimes ... is that your message ? maybe I read wrong but that is only my take there will be others im sure they will explain themselves much better than I but ... well done .. Regards Jayne
Jonathan Moore

Jonathan Moore

16 years 10 months ago

One disconnect for me

Line 12: "I bought another poem for a buck." seems to be tacked on rather than an integral part of the rest of the story. and since line nine (9) was so sharp, it highlighted the issue. I can see why you want to keep 13 and 14 unaltered, that is a great turn of phrase. For the rest of the poem I believe it flows well though I did have to go back several times to line 10 to get the correct pacing. Then again, I did read it in-between meetings and other distractions so it could very well be a lack of focus on my part. In all though a solid read that needs a little work. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)
infinite_dwarf

infinite_dwarf

16 years 10 months ago

Perry

I, too, stumbled a couple of times on line 10, but unfortunately can not come up with a better way of putting it to restore good flow - will have to give it some thought. Nice writing. ~Jess K. ----------------------- "Sprawling on the fringes of the city in geometric order an insulated border in between the bright lights and the far un-lit unknown" - Rush
infinite_dwarf

infinite_dwarf

16 years 10 months ago

BTW, Skumpy....

I have to finally ask: what makes a sonnet a sonnet? All those styles and forms oftentimes make me more confused than a lizard on crack.... =-D ~Jess K. ----------------------- "Sprawling on the fringes of the city in geometric order an insulated border in between the bright lights and the far un-lit unknown" - Rush
S

Skumpfsklub

16 years 10 months ago

'Sonnet' tags a lot of forms,

but the common features of those forms I know of include: fourteen lines, usually of ten syllables, but one form (some Russian inwented it) requires only eight syllable lines. Straiter constraints are applied as the poet selects. The Petrarchan sonnet, for instance, demands iambic pentameter and an intricate rhyme scheme. I approximate that form using a routine rhyme sceme: abba cddc effe gg. This form also insists on being in two parts: the octet and the sestet; the octet corresponds roughly to the set-up; the sestet to the punch line. The Shakespearean sonnet is another form demanding iambic pentameter--but Shakespeare doesn't seem to have flogged himself much over deviations from that requirement. His syllable count is fairly reliably ten to the line. The rhyme scheme there is almost always abab cdcd efef gg. The sonnet can be taken as a whole, but is usually (in Shakespeare's sonnets) the two part presentation, the wind-up and the pitch. That other sonnet form, the one with the eight syllable line requirement, is really easy to write--but I don't use it. Doesn't seem roomy enough for me. This does not exhaust the definitions of 'sonnet.' But it does exhaust what I know about it. I'm not a scholar; I'm an ex-files-clerk who finds that some standard poetic forms are useful scaffolding when I write a poem; the sonnet more useful than most other forms, for my needs, it shows up more often in my work. Betcha Wikipedia has REAMS on the matter. I fear to look there. Perry
S

Skumpfsklub

16 years 3 months ago

Why write another faux

Why write another faux comment, you ask? Because the poems I'm doin' that for today have not been visited a hundred times yet---and their 'visits' include a substantial number of 'visits' engendered by my returns to the pieces, and some spurious 'visits' that appear to be artifacts of bugs in the program. So, get used it: I keep recommenting until I feel that the poem has had enough exposure to lend value to the numbers.