The crumpled old man.

All he can do is sit and stare.The crumpled old man with the silver hair. There is nothing left but the memories withinA historical record etched on his skin. His arthritic body reclines in a chair,Absorbed by a cushion to ease his nightmare. When all of a sudden a pigeon flies byAnd a knobbly finger points to the sky. He takes careful aim, the pigeon’s in sightHe squeezes the trigger with all of his might. Across his thin face spreads a wry smile,A gleam in his eye, amused for a while. And nobody notices, or is even aware,Of the crumpled old man, as he sits in his chair.

— mand, Jun 09, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

Critiques

themoonman

17 years ago

Mand...

Hi, welcome to the site... I went to your profile and see you've already submitted several poems but this is the first one I've read. I thought your poem was very good, sends the image to the reader very well along with a smile inside as the old man amuses himself with the bird... The only suggestion I have would be line six... I am thinking the nightmare is maybe his body being racked with pain... but not too sure.. maybe it needs some clarity... and maybe the title is a bit long... we can't help but want to use a favorite line from the poem, but a title is more effective if it adds to the poem... merely suggestions... a good write like it is. sorry for the late welcome, but let me offer it again... Richard

mand

17 years ago

Hi Richard

Thanks for your constructive thoughts. I agree that it would be better to change the title, it seems to be a weakness of mine. I will think about your suggestions with regard line six, a body raked with pain can and is a nightmare, especially when there is no escape from it. Any suggestions on how to edit the poem would be helpful. Mand