Monster

Sound, but too prosaic to shine as poetry. My brother said (sometimes with exactly the same phrases used here) what you have said. Then he went to AA. And this is further weird to me, because you and my brother are naturally more poetic than I am, and both of you have longer practiced poetry, so it is to me a JARRING and unexpected thing, to see (and have seen) how the monster disables the poet's defense of himself through poetry. Note: I draw on my knowledge of your other work in that. Had this been the only poem I'd seen from you, I would have assumed that you didn't understand 'poem' except as 'words written half-way 'cross the page, with a wandering left margin.' Junk this one, Paul. Or archive it, and study it later, as a critic. You don't want the kids to take this one as their model poem.

I know you are working on something here I can feel it but its like reading the ingredients (my few critiques so take hold ..) Some of the lines I think could be phased out or sharpened focal point like think Macro its sort of blurry but then so is drinking as I know well enough (Freind of Bill W) im in the middle of cooking right now so I cant go line by line and its your poem at this point I do say you are moving along greatly though as a poet Some of your writes are phenomenal for a young writer

OK, aside form outrightly accusing you of being an alcoholic (as above has(, he has obviously forgotten what a poem is. It can be inspired by an alcoholic, doesn't mean you are one. On that note, my greek friend, well written. Just this part I thought might work better with some rearranging... He tries to fight the urge (Fighting the urge, allowing) As he allows his weakness (Drops of his weakness trickle) Entrance into his world (Into his world) Drop by drop falls (As he looks for excuses) As he looks for excuses (I hate picking apart poems, but thought this area could run a bit smoother. Don't need to use my ideas, just thoughts for you.) And you had the right image of the monster for this. Growing up with an alcoholic, that's exactly what it is. A monster. Powerful image, might like to expand that a bit into the poem. Otherwise, good write, paul. Don't scrap poems, they always have potential to shine with a little work. Peace n Love Katie

Its my critique Paul I say Blurry as in Drinking Not You Paul are blurry ha ha and I write my own notation (freind of Bill W) nothing pointed.. such is poetry such is critiques healthy process give and take You have always asked me to read your works Paul and this is no exception a good poem

Great to see you stretch out and embrace other emotions and situations. You portrayed the feelings of an alcoholic extremely well! Respectfully, Rett: "God made an idiot for practice, then he made a school board." Mark Twain For the sake of children, read this. http://www.neopoet.com/node/19905

In my humble opinion I would rework the ending to give it more strength I've seen alcohol destroy many lives. and it is a monster indeed show your distaste for the monster and the persons weakness to overcome the monster This poem deserves a more demanding tone you have some great lines in here lines one and two oh no s on pour lines 5 and 6 and 11 and 12 the rest of the lines although good lack the punch

sound work, rings true on the content level. Please consider adding some more emotion to this, and do think of breaking it into stanzas. I see a clear pattern here, like this: "Smothering insecurity He watches as his life Pours into another glass He tries to fight the urge As he allows his weakness Entrance into his world Drop by drop falls As he looks for excuses He (always?) finds the same" and then maybe go on in couplets. As always, just my humble opinion. Yours, ~Nina