I was here when you were (being) fox

Hmmm, I keep thinking I am free of the pain & discomfort of my last romantic catastrophe, but it is difficult to let it fade when I see evidence of his superficial generosity & warmth for others in places where my heart is vulnerable, & I know I deserve that from him, offered it always (& still) to him, yet I must accept that is how it is, embrace that & move on. It does slice into me awfully, yesterday I hated it, today it just hurts & I am sad again for the way it was all done, uneccessary & terribly hurtful. I am apalled by his constant indifference... & apalled that I cannot just ignore it, since there is nothing I can do. I feel I should have an apology accompany this poem, sadness isn't comfortable, wish it was different. I should read my own quote below... I gave & gave though, when nothing comes back I imagine it is wiser just to stop... today I don't know. We have both moved on, I guess love never ceases for me though, I thought we would continue to care for each other. Just hate it being in my face, I expect he may enjoy that, but I don't know. Just feels cruel.~ Anni ~~~ "Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything." -Anon

No my Orgamic laddy, not about you at all, sorry you thought so (that must not feel nice, that's why I feel it needs to come with an accompanying apology, I don't wish to make anyone feel unpleasant, I just wrestle with these elements within & without me, my heart feels so sad for the abandonment & coldness (most obvious when I see the warmth offered to others in my circle that I am indelibly connected with now), I don't reach out any more, it was never returned, I felt eventually that must be his way of letting me know that's how he wanted it, I wish I could cease to want anything). But HERE! - I promise to let you know privately if I am ever upset with you (I very much doubt it Steven, why would I be?), that's the best way really (I've tried that in this situation too but nothing changed, I just have to get over it being an issue for me, I guess it just isn't for him, the sad thing is I wish we could just have harmony & warmth, I don't understand why we can't... blah, blah...blah). On reading back I can see why you might think it about you, but there are a few of us here who were abandonned by our mother's, family or loves, & the ref to Maple is a sweet memory of Maple syrup indulgence... mmm, love that stuff! You must not fret, it is a deep hurt I cannot seem to heal because new slices occur now & then I think, ouch! I am lucky though, not so long ago it used to hurt so much inside of me I wanted to skin myself & lay down & be swallowed by any form of obliterating how much I would ache. I had to work so hard to become peaceful & free with that going on & it gradually faded. Now I am lucky I have actually found a sweet love who DOES care for me, & who welcomes & cherishes my affection & adoration, so it is not so bad, just a bit of haunting from time to time, it is my own response that torments me, he is doing nothing "wrong", & in truth I will always love him & have a great deal of fondness for him, that's just the way it is. Ooh have to get G from Basketball xxx~ Anni ~~~ "Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything." -Anon

Thanks Kelsey, it's good to get feedback because I need the perspective. I am actually sad that it comes across most as "cutting", I guess that's my hurt & defensiveness flexing. I felt I tried to balance it at least a bit with compassion & humility, but clearly you have not picked that up as the key, rather the reflexive swipe... I must tell you I am not at all proud of that, I don't wish to cultivate being "cutting", in truth I don't wish to have my buttons pressed so that I am tormented by this, but I have to take responsibility for my own reactions (& what I write here). I keep thinking I can handle it with more grace, but this thing keeps dogging me (foxing me!), & every now & then here I seem to post a horrid recoiling poem, sigh... Hmmm heart on my sleeve or my screen these days). At least it doesn't actually HURT like it used to so dreadfully... Eeeewww, I so hope you never have to experience it Kelsey, my gorgeous brilliant, minded Ewok of wisdom. Unfortunately you probably will, & may I be boring & tell you... it gets easier with time even if it hurts like hell initially... Feel free to come & grumble at me privately if you get to that point soon (perhaps you already have for all I know)... Ah but then you have such a brilliant bitey way of dealing with things that push your buttons in your writing, I reckon you'd probably have a better way to deal than me... I should get advice from you now that I think of it. In fact at the worst of my heartache I remember your work giving me such relief & release, I had forgotton that. Love ya girl. How's the study going, must be getting close to the break no? It's winter weather here now, rainy & cold, my boy & I are snuggled up together watching a new show where generation Y, X, & baby boomers compete, we have a lot of belly laughs, & he gets heaps of the answers right! xxx~ Anni ~~~ "Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything." -Anon

Best to be forgiving, I didn't manage it in this write, I'm afraid, life works better when you give up the hurt you feel someone has "done to you", it was me who hurt... he is just BEING in his way... reacting still to hurt HE perceives was "done to him", I desperately wish he would give it up, yet sometimes I don't manage to do it either. I have rewritten, but realised that to change too much makes the thing lack continuity, really I'd have to rework the whole thing, perhps I will. Love that image... & it's humility "tilting at windmills", yes, I know what you mean, well put. xxx~ Anni ~~~ "Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything." -Anon

Darling Ann, I know you are loyal & so good to me, but I must confess, it may not be gross usage & even if it is, it is me who is the "sad" element here in this write, for allowing it to get to me & hurt me. He is just doing what he is doing, he has no obligation to be kind to me. I just feel hurt because I feel we should be kind to each other & I saw no reason why we should not, but over time, my attempts to bridge the distance between broken lovers to friends have gone unrewarded I guess. I have given up on it too & now I find it hard to see him being jolly & warm to others & not me, that's MY problem for craving it, not his "badness", he is good in so many ways, I love him still of course, though know closeness is no longer an option, & now I see that's for the best. I just felt we would always be close in a way, I felt something in him & in me was connected in a good way. I don't know if I was wrong. Perhaps I was wrong to give up on trying to bridge... & I fell to this sad outpouring. As I;'ve said, at least I am not in pain as I was so dreadfully about it, when it was still fresh. Thank you wonderful woman for your wishes & your compliments mmmm Shakespeare, how I love him. I should say, I would prefer the past not to be eclipsed, we had a brief, but extraordinary time together, it went deeper than I could imagine in such short a time, I would rather my sense of loss & hurt to go, I'd prefer to offer him the best of me, regardless (as the saying below should enlighten me) of whether anything comes back or not. I hope I get there soon, all of these comments have helped me see it, what I really need to do is return to the compassion I know I can muster for him & his actions or lack of. Still, as always it is a joy to read your comments, I so love the way you express yourself dearest Ann, you are such a treasure yourself. xxx~ Anni ~~~ "Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything." -Anon

Love your words O', you give so much of yourself, & are willing to be exposed, that takes such courage, but brings more reward in the end, I thank you for it, & am glad since it serves you better & I do care about you. As for the effect on you, it shows your goodness that you would take these words & let them shine out a better YOU, that is the best we can hope for, it is what I am at my very best, I know. That's when life works best for us. You probably do have some similarities, you & this fox, foxes are not thick though, they are extremely clever, wiley, always thinking, always planning, they need to, to stay safe, protected, sometimes they keep themselves too protected. If he has a sin it is merely that, not that he is a bad man, he is a wonderful man, who is deeply scarred... you (& many of us) share with him the loss of your birth mother, I think it often brings a peculiarly significant element in males particularly (I have seen it quite often now), a brilliance & distancing that are tied together, a particular intelligence in selective, but skilled communicating that both draws (women in particular, the mother figure?) & rejects or repells if they get too close (of course, who wants to risk a further rejection? That was the first lesson, perhaps that women are not safe?... that they will abandon you?) Of course I am guessing or summising really, it's just my theory. I wonder more recently if that kind of abandonment is more common to writers (I was also abandonned, my father left before I was born & for many reasons, my mother removed herself emotionally & as much as possible physically as well). But we all have some elements that worked for us, you have mentioned some good influences, me too. Even in her depressed & distant state, my mother gave me a love of language & beauty, pointing dreamily toward the moon or flowers, reciting (by heart) "The Lake Isle of Innisfree" if I pestered her enough, drawing on her knowledge of latin or history to explain what a word meant, she gave me connections, & a distant refinement in place of love & confidence, made me articulate & sensible (only in some ways though), we can all find goodness in the legacies we were tossed. This beautiful fox, that I gave my heart to is extraordinary, not some bufoon (?) who is not worthy, just some of his protection & survival mechanisms cause him to revert to (yes, I think, childish, because that was their origin) behaviours that are outmoded... We all have them, some have learned to manage them better than others is all. Mechanisms that keep him being rejected in his mind, even though he constantly sets up the scenario's so that there is no other possibility, & if need be he does the rejecting, then sits in his den replaying it until it has the same feel as if he were the one rejected, never acting to transform the pattern, passivity part of his weaponry in the destruction of intimacy... because he decided long ago to get back at his mother for abandoning him. I just got too close, so the mechanism kicked in, he could have changed it. He could at any time. I hope he does. Part of his mechanism is to convince himself he is perfectly happy without it, I find it hard to believe though, & it isn't a good modelling for his children. For all his skill with sensitive & deep word weaving, he is hard as rock & locked up like constantly looped Houdini, keeping a calm face for the audience, bound in chains & padlocked to the extreme. I feel for him, I wish he would let himself free (to be intimate & connected, not just solitary freedom which is all he allows I think. Independent to the extreme... Is that you? I don't think so Steven, I think you, at least, look for it & are willing to stand naked in the face of it... You see even though this was not about you, you looked at yourself to see if there were things you could learn from it, & you have, that's such a great thing. He would probably look at it (well, he probably wouldn't look at all, but for the sake of theory) & get angry because gives him the best excuse to remain distant & remain the way he is, if he really looked & heard the care & saw the reflected picture of himself & looked inside like you do he might move into a warmer place in the world, but who knows, I think it's probably moot anyway, I doubt he'd ever read my work, though he could if he wanted I think, he knows I write here. I am gambling, he may hate me for this, but what have I lost? He has done the worst he can do in a way by abandonning me, I suppose he could try to hurt me more actively, but it would just make me lose respect for him, I think his style is more to remain aloof but make sure I see him offering others what he witholds from me. Perhaps this is not him being cruel, merely him just doing as he is doing. That's the way I'd be best to see it anyway. I miss him, I loved our interactions, not just as lovers, he was clever, my fox... then, he was never mine. There you have a novel, sorry! Yes, my otter is happy to gift himself to me & I to him, & yes you are so right, he knows what I would treasure, these otters whisper "I love you" to my lobes each day & I am filled with lovely growing love to send back, love begats love, it really does. It takes very little, in real terms, to be generous. & generous you are Steven, thank you again for your words & your courage, always love them & you my good friend. Enjoy your ice cream... fancy it snowing there!!! I must go check my Myspace that reminds me! xxx~ Anni ~~~ "Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything." -Anon

Yes, I know it, & yes, as you may or may not have read, I do feel some shame & would prefer, as I have mentioned, to take full responsibility for the fact that I am the one who is having a problem with the circumstances, & I am aware that I have overstepped the line & actually made someone else look like the bad wolf (though I actually like the fox ref, it does fit), though in truth, I have acknowledged it in the poem too, that it was me being pathetic, me who chose to give my heart & me who is hurting, & seeing his actions as hurtful. I see how you might think I am being victim, I feel miffed that he wont "play nice" & I feel that is pathetic of me... I did rewrite, but have not yet found a way to keep the essential poem (which as you probably notice is a big whinge really) write it with more grace & integrity, because the essential poem is based on complaint, something I usually try to avoid doing. I did want to make the point that change is possible, but still that makes him wrong, & I know that if you really care about someone, you should accept them as they are... sigh Thank you for your efforts, I was unaware of your challenges, but have always been grateful for the effort you make to contribute to my writing skills, & I understand your stance, & am not perturbed by it, I hope to raise my standards to encourage your very valuable comment, because I learn a great deal from your comments & enjoy anything you write generally. I think you are right, maybe this is more rant than poem, I am not sure how to redeem it, but perhaps it's a really good challenge to attempt to, don't feel obliged to revisit, though I guess you get notice if I edit, depending on your setting. I don't feel upset at anything you have said here, I agree with all of it I think, it's one of those writes I regret posting (even say that in the poem), I kept it for a day suspecting that, then felt perhaps it was worth posting anyway. Not now, good lesson of course, & you may feel annoyed, that's your perogative, I hope not, I would not be happy to cause annoyance of course. Grateful, as ever, for the feedback. PS I love Arrow androgenous presentation, possibly for the reason you mention gender, but I don't think it makes a difference to me here, I'm not sure why you think it would you can say if you like, but it's always a good exercise anyway that suggestion.~ Anni ~~~ "The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself" Henry Miller

Thanks Chuck, as always your comments are an illumination, I really do appreciaye these reflections, I must confess, I didn't put effort in here much at all & I am now too exhausted & busy to really rework it just now, though I want to, I feel what people are reading is not fair on the poor fox who is not such an awful being in reality. This is my FEELINGS & responses, my story of how it feels, I own them & free the fox, I need to do that publically to be fair I think. I just sat down & wrote what came out in truth, I had been listening to "Song to the Siren", it just brought up all of the "stuff" you see. I did try a little tweeking the next day, but then it was hard to retain the continuity of the poem, if I took out all the bits in the poem I would prefer to. I will though, when I have time. Takes longer, & more effort for me to edit than to write the thing in the first place, probably that's normal. As for the subject, yes, we have all felt rejected or abandonned at times & we feel it so deeply it is indeed a jaded subject ... in this case I am sick of myself with it. & your poems, my dearest Chuck, are a delightful & refreshing respite without exception. I do love this place. Interesting you mention breadcrumbs Lots of warmth & goodness to you, love your pictures by the way, they let me see your world, way on the other side of mine.~ Anni ~~~ "The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself" Henry Miller

Ahh you do, you do, I love the interaction here, the clean, above board acknowledgements, of these things that touch me deeply yet we know there is no flirting or bewitching going on... I have so much admiration & care for you, my kin, as I feel with many other writers here, but you, on this level, most, purely word to word, as equals (dare I say this of such a wordsmith) yet I feel we recognise in each other a freedom many do not know... & this wonderful thing you have written, liberating me in a way you will never know... I did rewrite, had intended to water all of this down to kindness... but gashed once more in the light of day & then finding this from you, I realised, as a writer this is ok, it is expression & I am not "wrong" to let it out, these things I feel, I wanted to put forth sensitivity & consideration, yet these were not shown me at any point, not that I feel payback is a valid or attractive thing, but this is not, it is merely me expressing what I feel. So I have almost reinforced the strength & bite, the care is still there, but I have not watered down the sentiment, it is relevent. Thank you for supporting me with this, it is not as bad as I thought in my tired state. & a little better now with some tweeking... Whinge or not it is a work of expression, we all have our stories, & we will all create our own version of someone elses story on reading such things, each is entitled I guess, if there is freedom for abuse, there is also freedom for expressing a response to it. I am not a victim, but I am not happy at the behaviour I must endure, I struggle with it now, but it has faded hugely, & soon it will be nothing but foolish folly. I have far more noble folk that gather to me, just now that brings me comfort as well as joy, but I always was grateful, that will not change. & Steven in the light of such brilliant penmanship "and I write imagery that dives and hovers between thought and image a balance that is impossible to please but pleasing in my poems is not the goal but to pleasure and sometimes to make the reader ponder" You do, you do playing in between all pupil/synapse/heart suspending all the dust of past & future & condensing all the hollows of potential into jewels of interplaying gallaxies the understanding of the soul the quenching of my thirst for this experience you do this in a line & often several in a row, or a multitude that sproing & leap like carefree spring lambs at my pasture, green & happy, filled with promise & fulfilment = Yes, yes, I simmer with connection here in agreeance, with the numbing down of minds TV, commercialism & the constant implication that it's ok to lack integrity to deceive & fabricate ("ah what matters if we all do it") But it does not work in real terms not if we want our hearts to thrive our souls to dance our eyes to meet another's with the clarity of good intent & deed! Did we mention passion!!! Chuckle! "I like poetry that frustrates me (or a good mind as yours) that makes the corner deceptive and difficult to percieve" yes, yes, again, me too of course, & you must know it this is what binds us a great deal I feel the same of yours, exactly. Well, more, in my mind, for you feed me constantly with your writing Almost I feel I would not survive without it (I know I would, but hope I never have to), not so much less than I NEED to write myself, & I truly do, always have. Found myself through it & know myself in it sometimes... get lost in it, abandon myself to it, dance with it, wrestle with it & stroke it seductively, this platonic element of intimacy. Poetry is accessed from vulnerability most times, that is where intimacy dwells, it is necessary, so we are all priveledged here to intimate access of each other, I am grateful that for the most part we take great care to be sensitive & thoughtful in are interactions. Dear Steven we are mutual groupies, I love it that way I am a fan & clearly so & that this is reciprocated is a blessing & a joy How I love to see your words upon my page. Thank you again xx ~ Anni ~~~ "The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself" Henry Miller

I just wrote a whole big response to you dear Richard (for whom I grow fonder every visit) & fell asleep in the midst & wiped it somehow damn!!! I am just quickly respondsing now because I need sleep but wanted to thank you very much I was so warmed by your comment I'll explain after the weekend (I'm going away), for now suffice it to say that the title is a line from the song I mention "Song to the siren & the fox line is a really odd line... "Did I dream you dreamed about me? Were you here when I was fox? Now my foolish boat is leaning Broken lovelorn on your rocks, ... You see I realised only after your comment that it must sound like I was saying "I was here when you were here, Fox", but in my mind it is a response to the question in the song "yes... I was here when you were (being) Fox... A real revelation comes from you comment, & that's not all but I am ragged & must sleep. Love your comments Richard, you are a really lovely man I think, it has taken a while to see just how so, I ma sorry I was slow, always thought you were great, just beginning to see just how much. Enjoy your weekend, I'll be back. xxx ~ Anni ~~~ "The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself" Henry Miller