Seren

May 24, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Piece By Bloody Piece

Compromising regard to life
Is thou being my curse,
turning my world asunder
in your regard I was lesser,
a presence in whispers

You the Jackdaw stole self
the cadence of speech
seemed as missives,
reaching with a velvet caress
and raising all expectations,
your delusion is and was
no mistruth
your nectarous phrase
dripping love,
suddenly struck the discord
in a deceived psyche

Thy eyes serpentine
gave thee away
glinting ego,
with treachery unveiled

A crescent moon
a bandits signal light
cloaking and revealing
the razor sharp talons
slicing my psyche,
this demon shadow
conceals
your gleefulness
at arranging its pieces
in a grotesque disarray,

your magnum opus,
the crumbling effigy of my entity
plundered dreams shattered
into nothingness

Still, holding portions of self
supplanting thee
is no question,
as time rules
so, my being follows you
Piece by bloody piece ...

— Seren, May 24, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Beyond the Black Stump..Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda, P.K.Page, W.H.Auden, to many and various to include them all ...

Critiques

bjp

17 years ago

Seren,

I think you have found the standard you would not bear, that beauty so deep to be accursed. There is no airiness here, no air, just the great weight of beauty filling all the space. my being follows you Piece by bloody piece … This is an extraordinary set of words: it is the stuff which you are so clearly capable. You are touching the mystical now, which is warm and blooded and anxious and needing to inhale. This is poetry. Adieu, bjp

Seren

17 years ago

Bjp ...

I went to sleep and woke to find all these gorgeous compliments .. A Beautiful start to my day ... I hope im not dreaming still ... Many thanks for your kind words they make me blush .. This was the hardest piece I have ever writen .. But my muse blessed me revealing a truth I hadn't seen .. Wonderous what the quiet of the night reveals in the truth of naked thought .. Love J x

Bosscombat

17 years ago

peice by bloody peice

excellent penmanship ma dear full marks! when ur down next we r doin a stanza for stanza joint poem what do ya rekon <3

Seren

17 years ago

My brother ..

I reckon we can hun .. Sounds like a plan .. make an account and call ourselves rogue writers lol .. I'll be there friday email me some ideas well work on it .. thanks for your comment your opinion always meens the world to me .. much love J x x

professor

17 years ago

This is very good JayC

Brings to mind Gloucester's words in Shakespeare's King Lear "As flies to wanton boys are we to the Gods, they kill us for their sport". Your style is changing all the time and with this one I feel you right on the edge but still in control....otherwise the poem would probably not have worked. I am not entirely sure about the occasional usage of "thee" and "thou" since this is very much a contempory demon. But if that is the way you feel works then fine....although "Thou" at the start of the third verse should be "Thy" i think. I am also not sure about "Filcher" since it's may be just a little too slangy. Perhaps "pickpocket" or even "jackdaw". This is one of your best JayC i can tell you. Love Keith x

Seren

17 years ago

Keith

You honor me by even saying this reminds you of the Bard he among others are some of my favourite writers ... My style is changing and I am "evoluting" lol ... but you know me always the emotional writer me I will try and follow this with something along the same lines ... I got into a confort level different to anything I have writen before on this one ... maybe I found my groove lol ... I agree with your suggestions but I like the thou and thee ... I will change the thou to thy when I edit this it does sound better ... thanks so much for your comment your regard and respect meen a lot .. but you already knew that .. thank you much love J x x

Kailashana

17 years ago

Piece by bloody piece

Piece by bloody piece indeed! It all comes together like this! Poetry and poet is thus *born*. ~A "No one shall be subjected to torture or to cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment of punishment." Article 5 of the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

Seren

17 years ago

(Hugz) ...

Anna thank you .. Your comment has given me a much needed boost .. maybe I can call myself a semi-poet sounds like a musical note .. I have a heart full of words I am just trying to find the way to put them into a form that people will enjoy and appreciate ... Its a passion and your comment makes it all worthwhile Love J

orgami

17 years ago

between greasy hands from bike repair and laundry dishs and else

come here to read Neo my addiction of course and find this stunning poem my god but you can write woman amazing classic lines and a superb handling of it too something i cant attempt I just dont have the retentive mind for language as some but its so powerful to see thouse that do and write well Amazing I see others try and thats good but you You have captured it so flawlessly and naturally here Im floating now in this moment of Now your poem and you have provided for me Intense Seren and I'm liking it !!!

Seren

17 years ago

Steven my friend ...

Thank you for your lovely words they warm the heart .. And its bloody cold here .. I am still finding myself in words .. Having had a love affair with books my whole life and .. I have had to find my own style .. and thats not always easy .. Having many side's to us we explore the deepest and most painful parts of ourselves and bring out an honesty in words that hopefully transforms the page.. You often do that for me .. Its just nice to know I returned the favour SOOOOO glad you liked this hope your still floating in now my friend love J x

Silent Whisper…

17 years ago

seemingly perfect wording to

seemingly perfect wording to one who knows its meaning but even so ...u still never sease to amaze me mum ur skills and talent knows no bounds nor limits one day soon we shall see ur name in lights when u publish ur own book :) and to quote a recent comment "It all comes together like this! Poetry and poet is thus *born*." is an understatement u were not "thus born" from this poem... but receiving the acknowledgement of a talent so pure so ill end this with a F**k Yeh ! Dont You EVER !! stop writing or i will slap u haha love ya mum i await ur next one impatiently....so hurry up !!!

Seren

17 years ago

Bj ...

The chrysalis hasn't quiet opened yet Bj I am still finding myself in words .. But thank you I love you more .. I write so many different kinds of things I find it hard to judge my own work .. Something that might appeal to my mind doesn't always appeal to others .. I write because I love it I hope to bring an insight ... maybe ? I don't really know huni but I feel compeled to write ... I wont stop Promise your bigger than me now !!! Oh and because you love horror and all that yucky stuff I am writing one that will appeal to you .. he he .. You wait till you read this one still a few days off .. (watch this space) :P lol All my Love Mum Jayne xxxx

Cloudthings

17 years ago

well done JayC with such a powerful work as well.

Well, here you are again in the bright light you doubted, & well done JayC with such a powerful work as well. Ouchy, it feels like this is a kind of purging, hope you felt better afterwards dear gal. xx ~ Anni ~~~ "The moment one gives close attention to anything, even a blade of grass, it becomes a mysterious, awesome, indescribably magnificent world in itself" Henry Miller

Seren

17 years ago

I am ever the evolution

I am ever the evolution writer Anni but It is lovely to see this one here ... and yup hugz I felt lots better after this one ... had a big old dummy spit lol take care my love Love and Light Jayne x

Quillsvein1

16 years 10 months ago

This is

as, I read it, a commentary on the self and the way it can crumble and then re-assert itself all at the same time (painfully, of course). your gleefulness/at arranging its pieces/a grotesque disarray/your magnum opus/the crumbling effigy of my entity/plundered dreams shattered/to nothingness..." Magnificent melancholy you have here, reminding one of a neon graveyard being bashed into bits and then repaired by dreams. Again, congrats. GB

Seren

16 years 10 months ago

Thank you GB

Sometimes to me it feels like smothering in sadness ... So I write these ... and your right it was sort of taking self apart but its also the other self slicing away while you watch hands tied and can do nothing and follow on to whatever hell this monster leads you too ... this self/ego whatever you want to call the evil wench LOL ... anyhoo thank you for the read and the comment its always much appreciated love and hugz Jayne x x "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall" ...

mantiscepter

16 years 10 months ago

gone to pieces

To date:. my most favorite. this is what I could get lost in. Very nice... Mantiscepter

Seren

16 years 10 months ago

Dear Mantiscepter

This is probably one of my most difficult writes , and I can tell you I am glad I dont have to rewrite it ... someone said when I wrote it it was angst ridden and I said YES!!!! lol cause theres many different layers to me in this one ... nothing wrong being real In my opinion .. thanks again for your support I'm so happy you enjoyed this one ... love and hugz Jayne x x x "We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. Lynn Hall" ...

professor

15 years 10 months ago

Hi Lil Sis

I have to admit I had considered this one potentially up there with your best but I really dont like the "thee" and "thou" usage. Also in the first verse gramatically it would have to be "the lesser". I don't think you can turn assunder reaaly only rip, tear or shred. Regard is not that strong (and repeats the first line) so how about "disdain". The first verse could be: "Compromising regard to life Is you my being's curse, ripping my world asunder disdainful, seeing me lesser, a presence in whispers" and then: "Serpentine eyes gave you away" Love and hugs BB

Seren

15 years 10 months ago

Dear BB

I will have a look at those assunder issues ... thanks for the kind comment and stars ... this is a personal one dont know if I am going to submit it or not still undecided love and big hugs lil sis x x x x (“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson quote)