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B
bloke
May 19, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

When a mum hates a son

When your mum looks at you,
Says I hope you die tommorrow,
I wish you were dead,
You're not my son, You're my sorrow,
Tears do not come,
They dried years ago,
When the pain was so fresh,
You thought it would go.
When a mum hates a son,
His mind is black snow.
— bloke, May 19, 2009

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Country/Region: AUS

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Critiques

CN

Craig Norris

17 years ago

not my son my sorrow

This could be quite a lot better, I like it now but somehow it loses it at the ending for me, the punch I was expecting didn't arrive, it's that last line. That's a great line there, not my son my sorrow. Cheers Craig
J

JoJo

17 years ago

True or not

Craig, Wow a very sad poem. Lot's of feeling (in such a short piece). The words carry the power. But the ending makes me wonder, Where is the pain today? What impact does or did it have on you? Maybe an ending that shows that you are a survivor of that pain? A very POWERFUL poem! Good work!!
CN

Craig Norris

17 years ago

the revision works well

like it a lot. Now you just have to correct the grammar, You're not my son, You're my sorrow. If it was me, I would think of putting a th in front of is, in the last line. Cheers Craig
J

JoJo

17 years ago

Re-visited

Love the change with last line. A perfect ending for me.