Deceits Blade

poem turned out so well "trinket on a shelf" and other lines very very good

Julie .. I have yet to write a sonnet but well done I dont know much about the mechanics I am just a scribbler but this is awesome I loved it bravo for a first effort well done again !~~ Your friend JayC P.S I agree with O~ that trinkets on the shelf line stands out ..

Dear DD Just one word........WOW! Baz

showing us what determination accomplishes! loved it Julie... themoonman

But I liked this very much and leave the exactness to Nina! If it is, well done indeed, as it is good. There was one however one word that I think you mean should be You're instead of your? The eerie feeling that your not alone. Yours Ann of Norway

Really well written contents, even if the message is a bit sad. Why are we afraid to be ourselves? Maybe is just easier to go with the flow than disrupt it most times and let others dictate, to our own unhappiness. Maybe not really unhappiness, but more indifference, passiveness? I do have one thing to bring out. Your last rhyming couplet, I think you need to somehow lose the “s” on remains for a hard rhyme. Always, Tonya

first of all I must say that I am an absolute sucker for sonnets. I love the form and how the final two lines always have such an impact and sum up the stanzas. your final lines are fabulous!!! a ghost of myself... beautiful. just the way it was meant to be the first stanza could be smoothed out a little, it is a bit bumpy to read, at least to me. and especially in comparison to the rest. the second stanza is awesome, great flow, great rhymes!!! I would take {My first Sonnet:-)} out of the title, especially since you let us know that it is your first in the caption where the final words go. it catches attention but it is just an information, not a real title. so I feel it to disturb the professionality of the piece, you knwo what I mean? looking forward to more sonnets, Julie. your Proprietress

are the last two lines fine for a sonnet? or does it not matter? Just so I will know. Much appreciate the input so i won't make the mistake of trying to correct something that does not need any attention. Always learning, Tonya

Would ...all that NOW remains ....make a better rhyme at the end? I have already said that I DON't know how a sonnet should be, maybe Longo is a specialist on that? I heard your cry Tonya but am helpless. Yours Ann of Norway

they don'r rhyme perfectly but the flow is wonderful. a perfect finish and I think you can leave them that way. after all, even Shakespeare didn't have perfect rhymes in his sonnets. I wouldn't change them... Kata

I did not say I didn't like the ending. I'm with you. It is a lovely Sonnet! I just did not know how precise one needed to be. If a perfect rhyme is not needed, I am happy. Makes them a tad less difficult. For some reason, I seemed to think i was also called on it, so... guess thought i had learned from suggestion. Perhaps not. lol All is well. This is a workshop, after all, just trying to implement the notion. Always, Tonya my sincere apology if i was wrong.

no worries.. all is well Julie. I shouldn't have been so picky! lol Always, Tonya

I am always slightly in wonder when someone pursues the formalities of a craft: it takes a suppression of prejudice (which, in this setting, we normally call preference) and a lot of hard work. The westerns call it "true grit". I had planned to write this clearly complimentary piece to you, and then I read the words, not part of the poem, at the bottom. Now the piece remains complimentary, whoever I don't expect readers will find it so. Ah, another pillory. You say at the bottom, "Fictional, but relatable." I take it as a given that if you wrote it (I am not suggesting you didn't) you probably have some understanding of what the poem is about (Olya says no artist wholly understands their own work and there is no point trying to explain it after it is produced, although that has never stopped me from trying), so "relatable" would appear redundant. But I am beating about the bush. While others may be interested in solely fictional stories in poetry, I have never found them to be of interest. Something can be in the guise of a story, for safety sake. And if Olya is correct, and she typically is on these topics, then it should not matter. But it does to me. The speaker's topic is always self, in some significant way. I am looking to be moved or taught by poetry. For some reason, I take it more seriously than, say movies, and film is such a significant teacher, whether the ideas are well held or not. But film, by me, is somehow given more grace to be merely entertainment. In poetry (just assume I keep saying "for me" as I am not really looking for any fights today, although I don't know how you would gather that from this comment), I want more than entertainment. In this limited sense, I suppose I am a fascist about poems. I want your heart, dripping before me even if there is no tangible evidence of the blood. Here, I think I should say, that while I want to put you on the spot, in the sense of treating you as important and worthy of these ideas, I don't really want to put you on the spot to require a public answer, rather only a cogitation. Of course, egos are real and this hope may not be realistic. The poem of yours that I commented on before was in many ways undressed to the skeleton and, in others, covered by a tarpaulin. That is not unusual. If going out on one kind of limb, the ego may need some cushion when resting a knee on other branches. However, here, the tarpaulin is still in place, but now no undressing of self is at all being alleged. And that is somewhat unusual in poetry. Most poets are screaming to be understood even if they write poems in whispers (especially if they write poems in whispers). And you seem pretty close to the whispering camp. The result is I don't feel I know you. Let me restate that. I don't feel I have permission to know you. The risk I take in writing this note is to appear to be dictating the timing, and thereby controlling, your coming out ball (I am not referring to sexual preference). That makes me the cad to all asunder. Really, I am just interested. This type of verbalization nevertheless places pressure. The last poem of yours which I looked at closely was so physically presented, and so otherwise quiet about the soft mushy hesitant nervous uncertain broken bits of you that I actually assume the reverse of the presentation. Boldness is a token for shyness, etc. The moreso now. I can pretend that I am the only one with eyesight. Pretending is quite normal. But you are all out there in poetry. And you are far too smart not to know. So, when do I get to give you credit, officially, for the revelations that hit like a boxer's glove? For it is the pain and the living beyond, courageously, in the face of the next pain, or the joyous shout, or the honest fear, that helps inspire my heart to face its very human turmoils. Will you risk nursing on my willingness to be disemboweled at my own invitation but on your behalf, while trading only in shadows? If you do, I know its not you; not even relatable. However your answer, I look forward to the shape of your poetry; this question, its apparent and otherwise unfairness, is all mine. With interest and affection, bjp

your poem is amazing "my ego held as collateral trade" yes Mine has a red tag sale sticker on it Heh heh way to go Julie!!!

I really enjoyed your piece, such an amazing piece it is. I love your courage to step out and bring forth such a challenge. I'm inspired to wite a sonnet, sometimes in the near future. Thank you for sharing.

I love these structures, Julie. I've done a few myself and found readers enjoy them very much. A bit of a challenge they can be as well ;) nice, nice.. A pleasure, Mark

Your poem is generally on form, with some reasonable departures from form for the sake of grace or clarity of speech. A good piece, that is bravely self-revelatory, and self-insightful. Oddly, though, I was completely unable to find the sense in 'deceit's blade.' The rest of the poem was just fine, I had no trouble with it at all, actually enjoyed it--but it bugs me that I couldn't penetrate to the nucleus of the poem, as, from the title you use, 'deceit's blade' must be.