Darya

May 11, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

In between all the messes

Posted: Mon May 11, 2009 6:29 am Post subject: in between all the messes

...

Life is a blank page
I keep writing on it
as days pass me by with no mercy

There is always no time
to rewrite
make any correction
or even delete

But in every page that I have written
in between all the messes
I still see a flower
with its fragrance
and its soft petals....have I not told you
this me inside is from heaven
not dust?.....have I not told you that I write you
and you are the only reader in my mind?

This song keeps playing
over and over..........
" Many strangers I have met on the road to regret"

I am sitting on a lonely bench
facing the ocean
my skin as shy as the red roses
Should I or should I not swim into this ocean like a fish?

" I said lord rescue me......I said lord resue me"

aka Darya

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Comments

yenti

16 years 11 months ago

Darya

This needs a tidy to make it flow, the reference as if you lost your soul. The road to regret is all you can see, Walk on the other side and pass by me. The theme is very good but you wandered off some place just needs a few changes to bring it up to scratch, Yours Ian.T

Darya

16 years 8 months ago

Sorry for late reply …

Sorry for late reply ... somehow i missed your comments ..... please feel free to make any changes that you think should be done ...... i need to improve ... i never go back and correct anything ...... so help me out please darya

yenti

16 years 8 months ago

Darya

Have just seen your request and there has been a delay, I have played with this one and am not sure how it has come out I will leave that to you :- Life is a blank page I keep writing on it As days pass me by Without mercy There is never time To think and rewrite Make any correction Or even delete But on every page That I have written Between all the messes I still see a flower With its fragrance Its soft petals unfurled Have I not told you This is me inside Made from heaven's form Not Lazy dust ? Have I not told you My writing is for you You the only reader Held here in my mind? This song keeps playing Echoing over and over Many strangers did I meet On this road to regret Here I sit, an empty beach Facing the restless ocean My skin as shy as the red roses Should I or should I not? Swim into this ocean like a fish? I asked you lord, rescue me? My lord resue me! aka Darya This was my look at it hope it helps you in some way, not sure which is better lol, Yours Ian.T

Candlewitch

16 years 8 months ago

Ian,

You are a genius! I like the changes you have made, much better, than the original. But the original had good root stalk for you to come up with this. Always, Cat

yenti

16 years 8 months ago

Thanks Cat

I had a few moments spare today so as I was asked So I did, Yes the original was great and I thought that the theme was really good it just grated a little on me so that's what I said, Most of these I find in the lonely poems place and this was one. I am glad that you also liked my changes there, Yours as always, Ian

Darya

16 years 8 months ago

I like the changes … thank

I like the changes ... thank you but then the lines i quoted was for a reason and now you have taken the quote out ...... those were not actually my lines ... I was siting in an ocean front cafe and having a coffee and going over my to do list notebook and then I heard this song playing........ i dropped everything and wrote this poem in the cafe.... question ....... i sometimes get this weird urge of writing when i listen to a music and sometimes i like to include the lyrics ..... but if i do I always quote .... what is the best way to do so? i have another one i wrote long time ago i can post it here as well ... thank you Ian for looking at this lonely poem ......... i have tons of lonely poems collecting dust in my attic ! darya

yenti

16 years 8 months ago

darya

Sorry about the quotes maybe that's why I put you outside on the ( beach )in my edit LOL It is always hard to use quotes of others works in your own writing as it can prove a copy problem and not your own work. I am under the thought that you can hear something like (quote) in the music or song, but that it brings to mind how it makes you think. There it plants a thought in your writing and that is original, to copy word for word to me is a no no. I usually write or have written in cafe's and Pubs where Celine Dion has been singing and others where the music lets the mind flow to another level but the words are my own, I hope you can see what I mean in that. This is beginning to sound like a teacher teaching so I'll say keep writing on that level, as you are good to read, Yours Ian.T

Darya

16 years 8 months ago

I should say I guess it was

I should say I guess it was a version to the original song ....... cause i think the original says love not lord ..... anyway ...... it was a beautiful song

Darya

16 years 8 months ago

there are only two lines

there are only two lines from the song ... the rest has nothing to do with the song and i put those lines in the quote ” Many strangers I have met on the road to regret” and ” I said lord rescue me……I said lord resue me” the song that was palying the rest was what it came to my mind or what i was doing at the time i took my coffee and there was a bench by the ocean where i sat and wrote this ....... i really like your editing on my poem .... thanks darya

Darya

16 years 8 months ago

it was not U2 version

it was not U2 version singing it ... it was sort of chorus singing mostly women and I am sure it said lord not love ..... now i can not find the lyrics ...... unless i heard it wrong? which is impossible ....... well that does not matter now ........... i think we can still add lines that are not our owns and quote it and then credit it on the footnotes .... can't we?