Burnt to ashes

Clouds churning visions of guilt, within ebony moments,scaring the rational, laid siege within the sound of sirens. A Pyre’s witness to such a painfully regretful collapse.Rapidly billowing blankets of noxious poison,branding the chaotic scene a total loss. A tar torch now burning against the horizon.Melting as lead upon a heart of golden glory.Lines now taunt above strained brows,as tears are desperately refrained. Banished, Left begging for a angelic intervention,shall we pray on our knees in the rain.Dyeing with internal flames gone wild,tortured by foggy unsure past moments. Will they be tracked by the implications,Left wandering a forest of refrained majestyonly to be discarded and dismissed.Carrying deep burdens only meant to be shared. Doubts, What if’s whispered, twisted, Distorted.Pained and yet fearful to be the target.Tired courtesy used as a repelling magnet,All are well known to be such the cost offailing to conquer the unpredictable combustion. Missing many jumbo calico puzzles pieces,the frame was unworthy of any known code.Lack of alarm and a non existent sprinklers.Scattered and amplified the pyrotechnic's. And the misinformed and deceiving, affiliates of the three green giants.Safe on the other side of the fence,interviewing their adoring public. Displaying hypnotizing headlines,hypocritical statements run amuck,all with only half the truth's. Profound was this Technical tragedy,chance set on gusts of fueled winds.
Leaving only ashes left to burn.And each other left to turn. Julie D.D. 5/6/2009 rewrite 5/10/2009 My husband works in Demolition and the building he was working in, a tech school, burnt to the ground. It was not his fault, but shook him up pretty bad. Top story on the five, six and eleven o’clock news. So sad. No injury’s and was contained to one building.

With some much needed guidence this poem is being saved from deletion. Thanks to my great and patient freind Tonya. Thank you Tonya. It was important and it was strait ticking me off while I couldn't figure out the issue I was having. So with just a little differant perspective it them became blaringly obvious. It may still need a little work, but it is now not destined for scrap pile. 5/10/2009

— DawningDaytripper, May 06, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Robe valley, WA, USA

Favorite Poets: All of them, for differant reasons. Neopoet poets have influenced me the most over the last 2 plus years. Great teachers. Edgar Allen Poe, Dickens, way to many to list...

Critiques

themoonman

17 years 1 month ago

Julie...

Fire... consumer of anything man can hold... I liked your poem very much, especially the word choices... embonpoint.. my spellcheck has highlit it, but I had already looked it up, great word... In the first stanza... with in... within and then it is used again, maybe think about changing it to "on" clay walls... or not. that is the only suggestions I could possibly make on this strong write of yours... you are loved... know that! your friend Richard

Tonya

17 years 1 month ago

Julie, there is such pure personal emotion

you put into this. To me, there is so much personal investment in the words, it makes it hard for your reader to follow. Either that or maybe the phrases are just to vague.. I almost wish I did not know the story behind it. This is what I get when I read though: From the 1st verse, I would probably have associated it with war, from the laid siege line. I do get the sense of destruction and fire and well the idea of chaos. Those are good descriptive verse, I like ‘A tar torch against the horizon’ I see something Awful has happened there, and the building burning, People in shocked amazement. Then we get down further in the poem, I suppose is The blaming game going on, people wanting to pin the Responsibility onto someone. Doubts of their abilities? Despite a good record? ‘what if’s whispered, twisted, Distorted.?” Gossip from people standing around watching? I wonder if you would keep more to the way you opened your Poem with the more complete ideas in the verse and explained … something like telling us about the man involved. A good man that has all these things being leveled at him… tell the story. Not just give the fragmented bits of hints… let us read and see what is happening. I think, would help bring your reader in. Let them feel what you feel, because you would be giving them a reason to. Does any of that make sense? Remember too, this is just my thoughts. We all have different ways Of looking at things and seeing them. Some may like the way you Have your poem laid out. I usually like to see the story though. I think there are some really good lines you can still incorporate and use. I really like this verse “Lead upon a heart of golden glory. Lines taunt above his brow. Tears desperately refrained.” That shows us something! Hope this helps… Julie, you are a good writer. It is hard to write about Things that so disrupt our lives that are mixed with events. Lots of Love poems out there, they are much easier I think, because they have A common denominator theme almost every one can relate to. Always Sincere, Tonya ps.... can tell me i am full of it if you like! lol, would love to hear some other opinions!!! Come on folk, step up!

Tonya

17 years ago

Julie, I do believe that is much better..

I like this verse.. but, when I read three green giants, I think of the jolly green giant and vegetables.. “And the misinformed and deceiving, affiliates of the three green giants. Safe on the other side of the fence, interviewing their adoring public.” I think..it would be fine and clearer if you just state affiliate of the three media giants, people can most definitely identify with their tendency to be one sided for their own sensationalism. Last two lines.. Leaving only ashes left to burn, I think you can leave out left.. Leaving only ashes to burn. And each other left to turn. ( I am not sure of the meaning.. what i feel you are saying is, each other left to turn away, because there is nothing that can be done about it?) I wish a few others would give you some input here also, because I know this is an important poem to you. And i am not sure i'm doing it justice. Always, Tonya

Tonya

17 years ago

You are most welcome.

It was a very important piece to you! Something you NEEDED to write about. Sometimes writing is my best therapy Julie. and i agree, i have to sit things aside for awhile too, and come back at a later date. I believe in this site. I think it can be great, it is great, but i also believe we will only get as much out as we try and put in. :) I am very glad to be your friend, glad you are mine too. Always, Tonya

Rett

17 years ago

Julie my friend

This is quickly becoming a powerful write. Tonya has evidently helped you quite a bit along with Richard. I have a few more suggestions. Some are just corrections of spelling or grammar, but a few is to try to instill a bit more impact to some of the lines. As always, they are merely suggestions to be used or discarded at will so here goes. Left begging for a (an) angelic intervention, shall we pray on our knees in the rain. Dyeing (Dying) with internal flames gone wild, tortured by foggy unsure past moments. What if’s whispered, twisted, Distorted.(What ifs... whispered, twisted, distorted) Pained and yet fearful to be the target. Tired courtesy used as a repelling magnet, All are well known to be such the cost of (All are well known to be...such is the cost of) failing to conquer the unpredictable combustion. Missing many jumbo calico puzzles(puzzle) pieces, the frame was unworthy of any known code. Lack of alarm and a non existent sprinklers.(Lack of alarms and non-existent sprinklers,) Scattered and amplified the pyrotechnic’s.(pyrotechnics) Displaying hypnotizing headlines, hypocritical statements run amuck,(amok)[although amuck is also correct] all with only half the truth’s.(all with only half-truths) Profound was this Technical tragedy,(A technical profundity of tragedy) chance set on gusts of fueled winds.(Fueled by chance gusts of wind) Leaving only ashes left to burn.(Each left to spin and turn) And each other left to turn.(In the smoldering ashes of the burn) Respectfully, Rett: "God made an idiot for practice, then he made a school board." Mark Twain For the sake of children, read this. http://www.neopoet.com/node/19905

Tonya

17 years ago

lol

Rett is sooooooo much more gramatically? correct than I am. (as many of my own poems can attest to!) Good input!!!! :) happy Tonya

Rett

17 years ago

he he he

The difference between and Okie and a Texie.....*tease* Respectfully, Rett: "God made an idiot for practice, then he made a school board." Mark Twain For the sake of children, read this. http://www.neopoet.com/node/19905

Mark

17 years ago

I just

don't like this begging for notes Mark "some things change, some things don't"