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Enter LEA (Stage Left)

When you called, and you came to my

door, to my eyes, in my life, in my

world, I was pleased, I am pleased/

When you stayed, when you laid, in my

bed, next to me, in my arms, in my

heart, You were placed, You are placed/

When we stood, in the rain, by your

car, holding stares, touching lips, in my

stance, I stood proud, I stand proud/

When you wrote, and you spoke to my

pain, to my fear, in your words, in your

hold, I came to, I come to.



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Country/Region: USA

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Comments

themoonman

themoonman

17 years ago

George...

I like the poem and the repetitive lines, they work well within this write... but to me, the ending was a bit flat... I was thinking, instead of "come" for the last repeat... maybe "enter" ... I enter, an am entered. maybe not... but "come" does place the image, just a thought, a suggestion... enjoyed the read... Richard
C

Craig Norris

16 years 11 months ago

Yeah I like this

I like the structure, that is the internal structure, I do think that the way you've laid it out on the page could be done better. I think it could be way easier to read and feel if visually it was presented a little different, those phases spread between lines really deserve to have their own.The pacing with the use of commas is perhaps a bit overdone? Cheers Craig