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CN
Craig Norris
May 01, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

without form

I have sat at lonely ended tables,
deserted bustops, empty streets,
seen dry leaves go swirling past me,
felt the dust pool at my feet.

I have searched amongst the airwaves
for a song to take me home,
believed in morse code in the static,
sensed the call of the unknown.

Sometimes I feel you with me
riding, like a memory stillborn,
glimpsing dreams that never happened,
feeling sculpture without form.

You lost it on a corner
riding wide and off the edge,
hit the bank beyond the culvert,
crushed your heart, your tank, you're dead.

Scents and colours, chance words spoken
spin me wearily my friend,
how thin this membrane stretches,
between the now, and what was  then.

About This Poem

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Country/Region: AUS

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Comments

professor

professor

17 years ago

Lonely-ended tables

I really loved the first verse of this one Craig, the images were very powerful. Although different, i liked the second verse very much too. For me though the third verse turned the poem into a shallow western and that rather detracted from the far more serious treatment of sense of absence and loss you started with. I saw her there more as a guardian angel or, a second sense informing your mind, and keeping you going in spirit rather than riding shotgun with you or a guide dog. The fourth verse i liked as well and the last line is particularly effective in simulating the sudden shock and finality of the crash. The last verse was great until the last line which for me just doesn't work because "tween" sounds very forced and is not in keeping with the more modern colloquial language of the rest of the poem. Why not simply: "between the(or us) now and what was then" or "between the now and us back then" I realise this may be a very personal poem and, if so, i hope you dont mind me just commenting on the poetry. I thought it had the makings of being very good piece and that is why i have made my suggestions. with best wishes Keith
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Craig Norris

17 years ago

I don't mind at all

In fact I truly appreciate constructive critisism, thats why I'm here, so thanks heaps. I find your comments quite spot on, the third stanza does reflect the somewhat flippant view that I take at times on life in general. Must be more careful. The final line, once again I agree with you, and that as it stands, is a revision from what was your first alternate, i.e. "between the now and what was then." So you've given me much to think about. Cheers Craig
professor

professor

17 years ago

Hi Craig

I like the revisions...makes a big difference in my opinion. All the best Keith
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Craig Norris

17 years ago

Thanks Keith

I'm quite happy with it now, have been tinkering a little, and the third stanza is now much more in keeping. I probably would not have got there without the nudge, so thanks alot. Craig
Seren

Seren

17 years ago

I agree with all that the

I agree with all that the Professor says Craig .. This has the markings of an awesome poem I look forward to reading updated posts on this one ... I could see it all in my mind right from the first verse ! .. Well done .. Love and Light JayC
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Craig Norris

17 years ago

tinkered out

thanks JayC, I believe I can call this complete now, sorry for the revisions on the revisions, but if I make a change somewhere it usually means something has to be tweaked somewhere else. All done now and thanks. Craig
Seren

Seren

17 years ago

LOL ive amended my vote up

LOL ive amended my vote up top craig .. and its good as is ... love it Love and Light JayC oh and btw i am always revising my stuff only way to improve LOL
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Craig Norris

17 years ago

good feedback

thanks JayC, appreciate the feedback, I do my writing with pen and paper, carry little pocket notebooks around, do endless revisions before posting(usually) but still somehow the feedback is so important and helps to confirm things that you kinda knew but thought you could get away with, it's great, thanks. Craig
themoonman

themoonman

17 years ago

Craig...

Must've missed the original, but I sure like what you've got here... and can so relate... Richard
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Craig Norris

17 years ago

Hi Richard

The stanza that Keith was talking about went... I've sometimes felt you with me riding shotgun on my mind like a partner on a stagecoach like a guide dog for the blind. Might have to work on something with a western theme sometime. Thanks for the comments, glad you liked it. Craig
Cloudthings

Cloudthings

17 years ago

you have written it so brilliantly & so simply into being. I rea

I don't have time to read all these comments, but I will say I am impressed with this completely, a truly beautiful write that made me want to weep just a little, I know this feeling so well & you have written it so brilliantly & so simply into being. I really just want to sigh. xx~ Anni ~~~ "Love has no desire but to fulfill itself. To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving". ~Kahlil Gibran
faerybeki

faerybeki

17 years ago

Oh Craig, this is so

Oh Craig, this is so poignant, a powerful piece, it evokes sadness and yet comforts those who may have experienced such grief themselves, in whatever way, your 3rd stanza really got me, I can definitely relate to this Craig, in my own little way. Much love b xx
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Craig Norris

16 years 11 months ago

sorry for not responding Bek

Thanks for your comments, yes that third stanza evokes feelings of a presence, something undefined but not uncomfortable. Your way is not little but a growing thing. Much love Craig