Tonya

Apr 16, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Things that Were (revised 4.23.09)

Things that Were

You are a muse of the night
Coming alive with battles of carrion

Day light shines too brightly to allow
Ghostly apparition to be seen in the
Halls of our minds

Is only when shadows are present;
We are allowed dwelling on some Astral
Plane with no repercussion for not
Paying our price of death first

Some spaces are places of no mirth
But of idleness and silence that
Leave us alone with
Memories of what were

Glimpsing visions of what might have been,
Had our decisions not been fractured
In an alternate direction.

© Tonya 04.16.09
revised 04.23.09

— Tonya, Apr 16, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: USA

Critiques

Seren

17 years ago

Awesome read … a

Awesome read ... a wonderfully visual poem for me ... Love and Light JayC xx Love the rewrite the extra star was well earned ;)

Tonya

17 years ago

Thank you

JayC I appreciate the return visit. Glad you liked the rewrite. Had some good suggestions to help me out! :o) xx Tonya

Tonya

17 years 1 month ago

Thank you JayC….the

Thank you JayC....the inevitable question we always ask ourselves... "What If" I am so glad you enjoyed the piece. Thank you for taking the time to stop by and read and leave comment. It is much appreciated. Always Sincere, Tonya

Seren

17 years 1 month ago

Your welcome hun , as you

Your welcome hun , as you know im new but i know what i like and i think credit were credit it due is only fair LOL its a lovely piece i enjoyed it ... Love and Light JayC

poewriter58

17 years 1 month ago

Tonya

May I suggest It is only when shadows are present Memories of what was or memories of what we were? all in all the poem is a good one Chrys

Tonya

17 years 1 month ago

Thank you Chrys

Oversights, i suppose. I like it better with your suggestions and have made the corrections. I appreciate your time :) ~Tonya

Bosscombat

17 years 1 month ago

tonya!

Excellent! I too cannot critique you on the mechanics because bassically I know sweet fuuuck all about poetry, but like my very good friend Seren I too know what I like and this poem is a defineate tick in the box! Kudos sister Bosscombat

Tonya

17 years 1 month ago

Why Boss!

Thank you so very much! I am glad you liked it. Very few mechanics, do i know myself. I appreciate the comments and time. ~Tonya

weirdelf

17 years 1 month ago

Sorry my dear, got a few problems with this.

Your use of language is, again, excellent but there are mythological/internal inconsistencies. It's the use of the word Valhalla, perhaps you were simply denying it's myth of endless ale and warrior virgins, but that idea was not carried through. And the last verse seems incongruent. If I have missed your intentions and point I would appreciate you explaining it to me. Perhaps I will retire gracefully or we could work on it. cheers, Jess Forever unwrapping the eternal present.

Tonya

17 years 1 month ago

hmmm...

when i stuck Valhalla in, i think the idea of 'to walk with ghost' was what i was going for. "Valhalla" being mythological afterlife.. 'It is a place of no mirth *but, perhaps it is meant to be after all? is this the incongruence? (that it really is supposed to be a place of Viking reward?) But of idleness and silence that Leaves us alone with Memories of what was Ideas of what could have been *ahhh.. does not reflect what the upper body has been saying, does it? Had our decisions been fractured Broken in other directions' am I getting there? ~Tonya

weirdelf

17 years 1 month ago

Well, I guess Valhalla was a bad choice,

it is the warrior heaven, full of strong ale and bawdy wenches, not a dreery place. In terms of the last tanza I undertand better, it is the body, now and choice, not the afterlife.Parhap the juxtaposition could be made stronger. cheers, Jess Forever unwrapping the eternal present.

orgami

17 years 1 month ago

Tegan and sarah

walking with a ghost Awesome song they are little winged women they would just drag me their singing their happy lament perhaps a wooden wagon Valhalla was the good place to go after death in battle the old slaughter grounds full of junked metal and mortal remains well Valhalla wasnte messy the angels in chariots or horseback came to do this (personally I would prefer a Husky Helga!!) but Teagan and Sarah with their song would do good poem Tonya love the romantic ballads

Tonya

17 years 1 month ago

oh Org,

lol, i love mythology! and i am very flattered by your comment. I am getting ready to rid it of Valhalla tho. I hate to, i like the word, the name, but is to jovial a place for this write. I think Jess is right. It has to be a place that can be solemn and grey.. lol I am sure Husky Helga would welcome your attention too!! Thank you for the lovely comments. i like story type poems very much ~Tonya

weirdelf

17 years ago

great rewrite.

Worth the effort and extra stars, makes it work better for me in a more hauntingly esoteric way. cheers, Jess Forever unwrapping the eternal present.

Tonya

17 years ago

:)

Thanks Jess! Any and all imput is always welcome; greatly appreciated! Tonya