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Rainbow

I'd like to capture a rainbow and
stick it in a a big box so that any-
timeyou wanted to you could
reach in and pull out a piece
of sunshine.

I'l like to build you a mountain that
you could call your very own. A
place to fined serenity in those
time when you feel the need to be
closer to yourself.

I'd like to be the one who's there with
you when you are lonely or troubled
or you just need someone to hold on to.
I'd like to do all this and more to make
your life happy.

But, sometimes it isn't easy to do the
things I would like to do or give the things
I would like to give.

So until I learn how to catch rainbows and
build mountains, let me do for you that which
I know best.

Let me simply be your friend!!

Pixee

— Pixee, Apr 12, 2009

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Critiques

Rett

Rett

17 years 1 month ago

Hi fellow Texan!

The poem is very pretty and I think it could be even better *G*. With this thought in mind let me see about a few suggestions. I’d like to capture a rainbow and stick it in a a big box so that any- time you wanted to you could (separated timeyou to time you) reach in and pull out a piece of sunshine. I’d like to build you a mountain that (changed I'l to I'd) you could call your very own. A place to fined serenity in those time when you feel the need to be closer to yourself. I’d like to be the one who’s there when you are lonely or troubled (deleted, with you, not needed) or just need someone to hold on to. I’d like to do all this and more to make your life happy. Sometimes it isn’t easy to do the things I would or give the things (deleted, like to do, not needed) I would like to give. So until I learn how to catch rainbows and build mountains, let me do for you that which I know best. Let me simply be your friend! As you can see, the changes I made give it a better flow and doesn't change the message at all. Beautiful write Pixee Right now I give you a 3/5 as it needs more depth and feeling, but that will come in time. It is a simple, heart-felt message that has it's own charm so all in all it is good. Keep it up! Respectfully, Rett: "A Democracy can withstand anything but Democrats." Robert A. Heinlein For the sake of children, read this. http://www.neopoet.com/node/19905
Pixee

Pixee

17 years 1 month ago

Good Morining to you

Oh thank you so much for helping me out. That means a lot to me. I will keep in mind more feeling and change some of my wordings in my other poems that will be created. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and critic it. I will not forget it. Take care of you!! Thank you again. Your Friend, Pixee
themoonman

themoonman

17 years 1 month ago

Hi Pixee...

I see you've already received some great advice... the only thing I would add to it is to read your poem aloud, and when it feels ready coming from your mouth, it usually is. Another thing, sometimes we write too many words and there are ways of saying the same thing, with much less. An example from your poem... So until I learn how to catch rainbows... So until I master rainbows... just an example there, not really suggesting you change it. I thought the poem had lot's of character... and whoever you wrote it for should be glad to have a friend willing to catch a rainbow... Richard
Pixee

Pixee

17 years 1 month ago

Good Morining to you

Thank you for your response, every bit of advice helps me become a better poet. I do think I have improved a tad. Nothing like you. Maybe some day I may get close to your expertise in poetry. Thank you for taking the time to read and critic my poem. It means a lot to me. How do you like my picture? It took me forever to get it on hear. I am puter dumb, but I figured it out and now I have a picture to go with my poems. It will help, I hear to have a picture. I also updated my profile. Thank you for taking the time to read my poem and critic it. It means a lot coming from you. Take care of YOU!! Please feel free to critic any other poems of mine. It would mean a lot to me. Your Friend, Pixee
Rett

Rett

17 years 1 month ago

Some friendly advice Pixee

May I offer another friendly piece of advice? I haven't read you updated profile nor do I know your age, but this is from the heart of an old man and a long time computer user. Since 1985. Although most people on this site are good people, there are also a lot of non-members and others that come here to look around. Online can be very dangerous. Giving out your e-mail publicly and randomly like this is not a good idea so I caution you to be very careful. I have gotten to be an old man by my wits and caution in certain situations. *S* Just some friendly advice from an old man. Respectfully, Rett: "A Democracy can withstand anything but Democrats." Robert A. Heinlein For the sake of children, read this. http://www.neopoet.com/node/19905
Pixee

Pixee

17 years 1 month ago

Hello

Thank you for your advise. I hadn't thought about the email thing. You couldn't be more right. I will be very careful. I am 43 yrs. old and only learned the puter a few years. I'm getting better on the puter. Thank you so much for looking out for my best interest on the email thingy. I will listen to you. I do hope you have given the publish thing some thought. Thank you for everything. Take care of YOU!! Your Friend, Pixee
Linda Moses

Linda Moses

17 years 1 month ago

Pixie

You have received some very good advice from two of the best. This is a very sweet poem. Sincerely,Linda
Pixee

Pixee

17 years 1 month ago

Thank You Linda

I thank you for taking the time to read and critique my poem. Everyone means alot to me. I have taken everyone's advice and took my email address out. You all are so right. It is a shame there are people like that on this site. Thank you for your time in reading my poem. To everyone you all mean alot to me. I thank everyone for reading and criqueing my poems, good or bad advise, it has helped me become a much better poet. Take Care of you and sorry it has taken me so long to write back! Your Friend, Pixee
yenti

yenti

17 years 1 month ago

Pixee

You are the Rainbow in your soul, and the mountains strength, to give to others and the words you write are showing the inner beauty that we hold, if we believe in our own ways in a loving state. You have captured two of the three "Musty Tears" in Moonman and Rett, they are two of the best to help you in this poetic walk we are on. Take care of you first, then the love you have can be given freely to others, Yours Ian.T
Pixee

Pixee

17 years 1 month ago

Thank you yenti

I appreciate you replying to my poem. Your advice about moonman and Rett is absolutely true. They are the 2 of the best on this site. You write awsomely also. I may not reply to your poems but rest asure I do read them. I will try harder to reply and critique your poems. Thank you for you time and sorry it has taken me so long to reply. I'm not all that good at keeping up with my poems and replies. I will try harder to reply quicker. Take care of you!! And thank you for taking the time to read and reply. Friends, Pixee
Pixee

Pixee

17 years 1 month ago

Thank you

I thank you for your time. I appreciate your criqueing my poem. Each one I submitt I need the raw true and nothing but. It has helped me in my poems. I can see a little bit of improvement in my poems. Thank you once again for your time. I know we will bump on the chat every now and then. YOU take care!! Your Friend, Pixee
O

orgami

17 years 1 month ago

Welcome Pixee

well reading that you are new and eager here on Neo I agree that "creepers" as the new terminology goes are about Here and all over Like your graphic Pic nice black and white I Love your poem the whole idea of just having a rainbow in a box and busting off a hunk when needed is great reminds me of travelling in a canoe or wagon or horseback or something got this from reading Tolkien and westerns and frankly today I was out in the yard and up the stairs to the second landing of lawn A freind had put a lawn chair while doing the little work of gathering sticks I took mycoffee and went up there not a great hill but it gives some sun and view and its peaceful and its as close to my Mountian as ever can be I like your poems feeling throwing out the hand to help and as you are new here I no doubt feel you will increase your talent You are all here in poet writ though as Dawning says and the honing and skills will follow Just watch out and be careful for you effort and write I give you a five! and concept of rainbow! that was new
Pixee

Pixee

17 years 1 month ago

Thank you orgami

I appreciate you likeing my poem and giving it 5 stars. It is my first I think. I never thought I would ever reach the 5 star level. Now I have my toe in the 5 star door. I can and will capitalize on all you said. I did take my email of the site. Thank you my friend. I still have a long way to go. YOU take care!! And thank you again. You enjoy your mountain and try to get a piece of the rainbow from your mountain. Your Friend, Pixee
Geezer

Geezer

17 years 1 month ago

rainbows

i took this work to be maybe a little on the shy side. is that what it is? anyway liked a lot! good work except for the things moonman and rett pointed out. beauty is a matter of perception. gee