Rainbow

The poem is very pretty and I think it could be even better *G*. With this thought in mind let me see about a few suggestions. I’d like to capture a rainbow and stick it in a a big box so that any- time you wanted to you could (separated timeyou to time you) reach in and pull out a piece of sunshine. I’d like to build you a mountain that (changed I'l to I'd) you could call your very own. A place to fined serenity in those time when you feel the need to be closer to yourself. I’d like to be the one who’s there when you are lonely or troubled (deleted, with you, not needed) or just need someone to hold on to. I’d like to do all this and more to make your life happy. Sometimes it isn’t easy to do the things I would or give the things (deleted, like to do, not needed) I would like to give. So until I learn how to catch rainbows and build mountains, let me do for you that which I know best. Let me simply be your friend! As you can see, the changes I made give it a better flow and doesn't change the message at all. Beautiful write Pixee Right now I give you a 3/5 as it needs more depth and feeling, but that will come in time. It is a simple, heart-felt message that has it's own charm so all in all it is good. Keep it up! Respectfully, Rett: "A Democracy can withstand anything but Democrats." Robert A. Heinlein For the sake of children, read this. http://www.neopoet.com/node/19905

I see you've already received some great advice... the only thing I would add to it is to read your poem aloud, and when it feels ready coming from your mouth, it usually is. Another thing, sometimes we write too many words and there are ways of saying the same thing, with much less. An example from your poem... So until I learn how to catch rainbows... So until I master rainbows... just an example there, not really suggesting you change it. I thought the poem had lot's of character... and whoever you wrote it for should be glad to have a friend willing to catch a rainbow... Richard

May I offer another friendly piece of advice? I haven't read you updated profile nor do I know your age, but this is from the heart of an old man and a long time computer user. Since 1985. Although most people on this site are good people, there are also a lot of non-members and others that come here to look around. Online can be very dangerous. Giving out your e-mail publicly and randomly like this is not a good idea so I caution you to be very careful. I have gotten to be an old man by my wits and caution in certain situations. *S* Just some friendly advice from an old man. Respectfully, Rett: "A Democracy can withstand anything but Democrats." Robert A. Heinlein For the sake of children, read this. http://www.neopoet.com/node/19905

You have received some very good advice from two of the best. This is a very sweet poem. Sincerely,Linda

You are the Rainbow in your soul, and the mountains strength, to give to others and the words you write are showing the inner beauty that we hold, if we believe in our own ways in a loving state. You have captured two of the three "Musty Tears" in Moonman and Rett, they are two of the best to help you in this poetic walk we are on. Take care of you first, then the love you have can be given freely to others, Yours Ian.T

well reading that you are new and eager here on Neo I agree that "creepers" as the new terminology goes are about Here and all over Like your graphic Pic nice black and white I Love your poem the whole idea of just having a rainbow in a box and busting off a hunk when needed is great reminds me of travelling in a canoe or wagon or horseback or something got this from reading Tolkien and westerns and frankly today I was out in the yard and up the stairs to the second landing of lawn A freind had put a lawn chair while doing the little work of gathering sticks I took mycoffee and went up there not a great hill but it gives some sun and view and its peaceful and its as close to my Mountian as ever can be I like your poems feeling throwing out the hand to help and as you are new here I no doubt feel you will increase your talent You are all here in poet writ though as Dawning says and the honing and skills will follow Just watch out and be careful for you effort and write I give you a five! and concept of rainbow! that was new

i took this work to be maybe a little on the shy side. is that what it is? anyway liked a lot! good work except for the things moonman and rett pointed out. beauty is a matter of perception. gee