MUG

Oh my honey, I hate that that happened to you, hmmm, we are similar in some ways... it's that predator thing, we attract them, we have to be more vigilant girl, they can be so charming & we want to believe them. It's because we want so much to believe, I keep thinking... if I can do it, live with integrity, be true to my heart & my word (& if I fall down on that at least I clean it up), that's what I would like to have returned, it's the minimum we should expect Beki. Sweet tongued & seductive men are fine, but I think now best kept at a distance until they reveal their true colours, if they are colours that harmonise with our own, fantastic, but if not, no loss. Thing is, they are so good pushing the buttons & we want to believe in them. My last experience was so good at it, he managed to make it seem like it was the ultimate love for me (my fault for allowing him to get so incredibly close, not his), even though he confessed all the angles of himself that lacked integrity, he suggested several times, most convincingly, he was ready for change, I thought that meant he actually did want change, but in the end he was not prepared to change at all (well, not regarding those things anyway), I even thought that him saying he wanted to have babies with me meant he really was serious about us (even though I felt we were both getting a bit too old to consider that in reality) & in hindsight I felt like such an idiot... a MUG!, still do really. He has such a knack for making women feel like he's really caring of them, I see it really clearly now & unfortunately I still have to watch him working his charm in places I am not yet prepared to give up, but sometimes it kills me to have it in my face. He is an amazing man at heart, I'm not sure he even realises his patterns, if he does it's possible he just secretly enjoys being underhandedly cruel, he is aware of his tendencies, I don't think he cares, he seems to feel it's ok to attract then repell (I think in his version, if someone falls in love with him, it's their own fault if they get hurt by his actions, but he is so good at weaving is spell, I don't know he even realises how potent that can be), his choice to ultimately be without love I suppose. I wish he would stop it, but there's nothing I can do except give up involvement in something that has become such an important part of my life Horrible really I am sometimes faced with the choice of giving up part of my heart & happiness so I can avoid the blatant flaunting that occassionally slaps me in the face, I try to avoid it wherever possible, but it isn't an easy thing. Ah Beki, I really know what it feels like to see yourself as a "MUG", no wonder you & I recongnise that ouchiness in eachothers writing. Lets just make a pact to live so that we never again have to feel like that. There is no guarantee, & like you, I can't live with a choice that means I am cocooned from possibilities that DO bring us love (we should have that!), but if we demand integrity from those in our lives, maybe it will filter those predators before our hearts get too damaged. No more mugs for us Beki, lets drink life from an open bowl, full of love & consideration & men who actually treat us with care & respect, who are willing to step courageously into love, whose actions actually show that up consistently... they exist, look at Rett & Orgami & Race9 & Geezer, some of these guys here give me such hope for men having integrity around relationships. Love & strength to you Bek xxx Anni ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "...We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? ... Your playing small doesn't serve the world..."