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Falling

Deleted
— Seren, Apr 07, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Beyond the Black Stump..Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda, P.K.Page, W.H.Auden, to many and various to include them all ...

More from this author

Critiques

B

Bosscombat

17 years 2 months ago

jay-nee

That was fuckin killer! Well worth 3 days work! The last stanza did it for me :) <3
Seren

Seren

17 years 2 months ago

thanks matty LOL

this ones a bit personal sorta LOL ...... and its not the poem i was working on this one came to my in a flash earlier LOL was writing a email and yeah thats the idea the muse stuck in my head i guess Love you Love and light JayC x x x x x and thanks for the support
B

Bosscombat

17 years 2 months ago

ohh

Fair enough. Its yet another testiment to your writing prowess! Still maintain... nice work!! <3
Seren

Seren

17 years 2 months ago

Your just

saying that cause ya biased matty LOL love ya hun love and light JayC x x x
professor

professor

17 years 2 months ago

Read this a few times JayC

and it grew on me as i did. Of course i am sure that you had more than a little input into your saving but this is a touching tribute. There were a few things maybe you might consider tweaking. You describe your body as black....presumably as a result of depression, but for me the sense was that you were without a life and empty. I was therefore expecting gray or pallid or something like that...even ghost. In the lines where you say he is your Saviour i you took out "He" from the last line that would create better emphasis...i.e. Saviour followed by Saved There were also some lines you could perhaps have made more forceful and less uncomfortable. For example how about: "Regaining meaning, Life rediscovered" I thought the last verse in particular was the one you could revisit. Soaring like an eagle is rather too overused an image and it needs something less clicheed. Maybe: "I am flying lifted (or carried or transported) by your wings sheltered in your love" then the last lines: unmolested and safe (i am sure you wanted him to touch you so this felt strange) a woman reborn (or perhaps "again") embracing hope. Just suggestions as always of course. Hope they are helpful. BW Keith
Seren

Seren

17 years 2 months ago

Thats so

much better , you really know what i was trying to say ... i guess my head hasnt been in the right place this week .... thanks for the suggestions they really make sense and it does improve it ... i called myself black cause i guess thats how it felt , that everything was black at the time ... Dont think im going to be getting much sleep tonight , so this will give me something to get my mind of things in the wee small hours ... thanks again for taking the time to really disect it for me ... Love and light JayC x x
Seren

Seren

17 years 1 month ago

After

an awful week I finaly got time to fix this one I hope this flows better ... Hope your having a wonderful easter ;) Love And Light JayC x x
O

orgami

17 years 1 month ago

Hello Seren

No sleep yet its been wonderful for me Yet the hells i have or know I love your poem here and your comments I know you more from then your work So when I came to see who had visited and left a reaction I had to write Strange but the black I call shadow or echo from having grown up on a lake and at night we would yell and hear our voices from the black come back from the literal uknowns wilds as you may and at night when I look up I see the dark and I see the stars and I love to wear black I feel weary at times awed by beauty and flawed in weakness's I try to be a part of helping I try to leave poems of beauty just one little star sometimes makes a difference if thats where one is looking up and without that dark i guess one wouldnt see it Thank you for your insight
Seren

Seren

17 years 1 month ago

Creature's

of the night we are .... I grew up in a little farm on the tip of a mountain so i totally get the shadow and echo you speak of but at times through life i felt as if i lived in the valley LOL Ive been writing poems for over twenty years and when someone enjoy's something ive writen gives me that warm fuzzy feeling.. we are all flawed and it only takes one star to make a difference and from what ive read you have certainly done that .. I find sometimes that people who have suffered are the best writers its a way of brightening a dim life and maybe throwing off some of those demons ...And thanks so much for the five *little bow* LOL Love and Light JayC
Seren

Seren

17 years 1 month ago

thanks for taking the time

thanks for taking the time to read my scribbles , I am still finding my feet at this ... and any comments be they good or bad are a real help .. Sincerely JayC