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themoonman

Apr 04, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Jumping In

No presence of mind
in her grandiose smile
just a look
that says what it does.

Nothing has to be said
every moment's been saved
in her eyes
it's still what it was.

The strongest of feelings
the kind we take to the grave
in the circle we are spinning
nothing wrong here today.

Sensations aroused
spinning round and round
jumping from the platform
...never looking down.

Falling with a smile
and our Happy in hand
no presence of mind
I just hope we can land.

— themoonman, Apr 04, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

More from this author

Critiques

17 years 2 months ago

D.D.

Thank you my winged friend... Richard

17 years 2 months ago

You landed this really well my friend, possibly my fave from you

Ahh Moonman!!!! This is a wonderful write, really feel touched by it & want to read it again dear one... I loved the last stanza especially for some reason it pulls me to it so perfectly... "Falling with a smile and our Happy in hand no presence of mind I just hope we can land." I think because I know this, I do it way too often.. I call it different things, putting my skin on... in the face of cold winds of unknown... or known unpleasantness, "falling with a smile" I completely know it, with our " happy in hand" joviality at the ready, we get used to it don't we, jollying ourselves along. I just hope we can land... well... we do, don't we... You landed this really well my friend, possibly my fave from you, I'd give this 5. Cheers Anni

17 years 2 months ago

Hi Anni...

thank you for the wonderful review of this short piece... glad you felt it, knew it, and liked it... means a lot to me... Richard

17 years 2 months ago

As you know

I dont critic poems LOL but I wanted more ... Moonman this is awesome i love this poem !!!!! Five stars fell down and formed a crown .... You earnt every single one of them :) Sincerely JayC

17 years 2 months ago

JayC...

awesome... not sure about that but thank you... glad you liked it... Richard

17 years 2 months ago

Thank you Janice...

I like the last stanza as well... thanks Richard

A

17 years 2 months ago

A few thoughts-

*No presence of mind in her grandiose smile - I wonder if a word besides "grandiose" would be better. For me, at least, that word is strongly associated with narcissism or psychosis. *every moments been saved - moment('s) in her eyes it’s still what it was - love this stanza! *The strongest of feelings - 6 beats the kind we take to the grave - 7 beats in the circle we are spinning - 8 beats (maybe?: in the circle we're spinning - 7 beats) nothing wrong here today - 6 beats *and our Happy in hand - wonderful misuse of "happy" :) A dizzy delight of a poem. Great.

17 years 2 months ago

Hi Arrow...

Glad to see you here offering your always helpful view... Grandiose... you really had me backing up with the word, I thought it fit so nicely, until you said narcissism and psychosis, then all I could see was a maniacal smile... and that truly wasn't what I was going for... but Webster's has a couple of meanings like so many other words... grandiose...(1)characterized by affection of grandeur or splendor or by absurd exaggeration... (which kinda goes along with the maniacal smile) (2)impressive because of uncommon largeness, scope, effect or grandeur...(which is what I was going for) I may still change it, but, damn I like the word... got any suggestions...???? In the circle we are spinning... 8 beats... I knew that when I submitted it... the other way, it kinda stumbles coming from my mouth out loud... maybe it's my country accent... but to me the "we are" in this case, sounded better... thank you for looking at this poem and for the critique points, they are well taken... and for the dizzy delight... Richard

A

17 years 2 months ago

Accents-

they do pose an interesting problem sometimes in hearing poems, don't you think? I am a transplant to the "South" (although I thought this was the West). In any case, people are always noting that I'm not from "around here" and mistakenly think I'm from Britain! A suggestion is a suggestion and nothing more.

17 years 2 months ago

Nice little poem

and like Anni loved the lilt and meaning of the last verse. There was just one place that I stumbled at :"the kind we take to the grave" This line seemed a little long in the rhythm of things to me, Moonman. Ann of Norway

17 years 2 months ago

Hi Ann

glad you liked it... hmmm, maybe I need to look at that verse again... thanks for the comment Richard

B

17 years 2 months ago

Terrific

*bows* Ultimate viking respect! Awesome work my friend! Bosscombat

17 years 2 months ago

Boss...

"bows"... nah, just a simple little write from another writer such as yourself... glad you liked it... Richard

O

orgami

17 years 2 months ago

Hopeful and rugged worn

the changing West how we were spun our dreams of living together in the land of Milk and Honey yet Vietnam Korea and now the fall of giants of business in echo of the twenties Big brother taking over the wounded sky gods who are given gifts of millions in parting (GM's 22 million for the big wig) Note he didnt decline or share with the "workers" but I wont discuss the chinese five cent an hour and the millions there laid off and restless Poverty in the states is much deeper in places then here in Ontario your ending is hopeful and that keeps the world rolling despite the downfall of any society grass grows on Chernobyls grave Hanoi is thriving once again smallpox didnt decimate the natives one can always go downtown "putting on the Ritz" one of my favourite songs the original and then Taco's eighties version even though in this time its not humour but a grim realization See your poems make me think Richard we still live we still love we still need we exist therefore we are five stars sir!!

17 years 2 months ago

Indeed we do...

thank you for that world class comment... grand it is to be alive and here... Richard

17 years 2 months ago

Richard, just echoing what

Richard, just echoing what all have said above ( although i like grandiose :)), great poem, really beautiful! much love b x

17 years 2 months ago

Beki...

thanks... glad you liked it and the word... Richard

17 years 2 months ago

Jumping In

Loved it Richard!! The Eyes and the Smiles are windows to the soul aren't they? "And our happy in hand" is the only line I stumbled on, but it could be just me Moon. Great write~ ______________________________________________________ Income-tax forms should be more realistic by allowing the taxpayer to list "Uncle Sam" as a dependent Anonymous

17 years 2 months ago

Hi Janice...

glad you liked it... Happy, yes, I misused the word as a noun... is that what you mean? thanks Richard

P

prayersbyPatty

17 years 2 months ago

Richard

To jump, to fall, to land or not to land as the earth falls silent while we contemplate. Awesome poem. Patty

17 years 2 months ago

Hi Patty...

I was just thinking about you... hope all is well! thanks for reading and commenting, and I'm honored that you liked it... Richard

Proprietress of Crimson Hearts

Proprietress o…

17 years 2 months ago

my dear Mr. Moonman,

a touching (and somehow fluffy) poem, simple and grand, clear and emotional. I read it three times and will read it three times more. an itsy witsy teeny suggestion: it’s still what it was - it still is what it was or it’s still that what it was (though I don't know if the second one is pushing the limits of grammar too far). try it out loud, I'm not sure how the poem is meant to be read but I feel that it supports the flow. this poem took me to the end of the rainbow. your Proprietress

17 years 2 months ago

Hi Kata...

It is so good to see you... thank you for reading my little poem... and I appreciate your look into it... it's still what it was... it does sound a bit country... and in being true to my voice, I am... but maybe, it's still all it was.... yes, maybe... thanks and I'm glad you are back my friend... Richard

I

iverhyck

17 years 2 months ago

Reply

Richard, first of all thank you for your comments. Now about your work. I liked it as there's something in my head that sometimes sounds like this one. By the way, last month I wrote limericks, and Limerick 2 is about the same situation and can make you smile (I'm sure). Konstantin.

17 years 2 months ago

Konstantin...

Thank you for looking at this poem, and for taking something from it... we are all of the same nature... or at least to a certain degree... thanks and I'll be sure and look up your poem Limerick 2... Richard

ID

17 years 2 months ago

Dear Richard,

such a tender write! Enjoyed it enormously, even if I feel a little sad now (I need someone to push me, as I have forgotten how to jump). Yours, ~Nina

17 years 2 months ago

Nina...

Sad... I hope it's just a mood... a push is sometimes just what is needed... have you ever been pushed to the point of being mad, only to thank the one that pushed you after it's done... You can pm me and unload if you'ld like... just an option.. thanks Nina, glad to be here with you! Richard

R

R.M.Shanmugam

17 years 2 months ago

each stranza is well packed;

each stranza is well packed; thoughts are coherent. smooth to read. shan

17 years 1 month ago

shan...

I always feel enriched when you visit my pages... thanks Richard

CN

17 years 2 months ago

Far out

Richard this is great, I have to agree with Arrow about grandiose it does have that slightly over the top association accorded to it, perhaps this could be considered. No presence of mind in her grand mannered smile just a look that says what it does and beware the Happy. craigAKACHUCKNorris

17 years 1 month ago

Hi Craig...

Thanks and I'm glad you liked it... Grandiose... ya know, when Arrow first pointed it out instead of seeing the hugely-for-me-smile I was going for, I saw Jack Nicholson peering through the bathroom door in the Shining... great scene, but not what I was looking to image...lol... I like your suggestion, and I may use it, or part of it... because it does at least send the image I wanted to portray... thanks! Richard