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M

Earths Creators Lament

Not long ago, only about five billion years or so is when I became incomprehensible

 

Started off in a far galaxy unknown

 

What I did not know it is was time to reload the energetic energy grow so I can flow

 

Forgotten I explode and I am left out of control turning into a black whole

 

My body blown to oblivion where my heart lands is critical

 

Given the circumstance I could not be anymore enhanced

 

Once my heart lands I begin to feel the first plant

 

Life on Earth did not start in the blue deep but from a small piece that turned into a seed

 

Created by me

 

By the devastating everlasting explosion incredibly deceived

 

Soon plants became trees as small moving biological made me believe

 

Some would decease giving more opportunity for more growth immensely

 

Sparking ignition for a super being

 

One over all worth mentioning

 

And this is speak of is a human being

 

Now this thing doesn’t do much but bring its teachings to every other thing no matter its believing 

 

Secreting even when biologically they differ greatly

 

The only regret I have was this being I ended up creating

 

The entire beautiful world so relating before ruined by opening the door for more with no cure beginning so far due to the implosion of a star


— mdehe, Apr 03, 2009

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themoonman

themoonman

17 years 1 month ago

Mattyd...

Hi, I have read a few of your poems... you are talented and I see where you were going with this write... but, some of the word choices didn't seem to quite fit, at least to me. energetic energy... maybe, cosmic energy or something like that because energy is of course energetic... it doesn't add to the word and disrupts thought flow. incredibly deceived... is deception the image you were trying to create here, or would perception work better? maybe "perceived" would work there and stay with the rhyme as well. the last line didn't work for me at all, I see what you were going for but felt it could be said shorter, tighter, making your thoughts flow better from your pen into me, your reader... just a few suggestions Richard
M

mdehe

17 years 1 month ago

Thanks

A LOT for your criticism I'm taking in every word you just said, and I agree and most. But I used deceived because of the fact that in my mind most people are very misled to how we were actually created, but religion deceives. Your most right on the energetic energy, and the last line I have liked myself but I can see how it is very wordy, long, and a bit off. I just wish more people would give me some more criticism or I'm never going to get better! Thanks again.
themoonman

themoonman

17 years 1 month ago

You are quite welcome

Matt... I'd like to say that much can be learned by reading other poets works, when you see something they are doing wrong, you can apply that fix to your own writes... criticism is but one tool, there are many ways to improve in your chosen art form... I don't do it as much anymore, but I used to read at least two pages in the dictionary everyday... Read the other poems here and the comments, and make suggestions yourself, you will be surprised at how much your own writing will improve... Richard