faerybeki

Apr 01, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Little Poem (for Jay)

I'm a little star
you always out shone me
but I could have sparkled
if you'd just let me be

I'm a little bird
you always out sung me
I could have had a voice
if I'd had a chance to sing

I'm a little car
you always out raced me
guzzled up my love
and got from A to B

You're a little hard
I always out loved you
you could have loved me back
you would have found me true

— faerybeki, Apr 01, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

Critiques

Morgana Tragic…

17 years 2 months ago

Yayyy got to yours!

As a matter of fact, I love the simplicity of this poem! I myself find I add so much imagery and wordings to my poems, that to get back to simplicity is sometimes difficult. But great work here! I really like the twist at the end, love the last stanza. Peace and Love Katie

faerybeki

17 years 2 months ago

Hi Katie, thanks for your

Hi Katie, thanks for your comment so glad you enjoyed the poem. Only managed to read one of yours last night but loved it, you are obviously good at imagery and wordings! :)Will revisit you soon. It was interesting for me to reread some of my old poems with fresh neopoet eyes, to see if my poetry had grown (as I have) and interesting too, to see what you thought of it. Thanks again, much love b xx

Cloudthings

17 years 2 months ago

a really good read & tons of heart.

Hi my honey I really like this, it is fantastic, a really good read & tons of heart. I wondered if I could humbly offer an alternate ending... I so much love the last stanza (& all of them) but I wanted a rhyming couplet to match the rhymes with "me" in the first ones... Of course "you" rhymes but with itself... Feel free to completely ignore my point, I wont be perturbed at all, you should never compromise your own sense of the work if it doesn't fit for you. Anyway what about something like: You’re a little hard I always out loved you you could have let me in and let your love come through or; you could have let me reach your heart more true or even; you could have loved me it's such a gorgeous thing to do These may be completely not your style, but they may give you something to think about, hope it's ok... In any case,I really love this Bek. xxx Anni "Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about ideas, language, and even the phrase, "each other" doesn't make any sense."

faerybeki

17 years 2 months ago

Of course it's ok! :)

You, sweetheart, can humbly offer up any advice you have on any poem of mine, your opinion is not just appreciated it is highly respected! :) Totally see what you mean about the last stanza, will edit but not now. ( I know you understand the constraints of time hon, I have a bathroom that's only half clean and was just checking in while I munch my lunch! Thursday, for a few hours, is the only babyfree time I have at the mo, so best to get the heavy cleaning done, while she's out of the house!!) I'm so glad you liked the poem, despite all the lessons and life that has happened I think I'm the same poet at heart as i was 14 years ago when i wrote this one!! :) Much love b xxx

Geezer

17 years 2 months ago

timeless!

simple is what i see, the first and truest heart. spring really is in thee, warmth is about to start! spring has sprung, chasing the cold. anew... begun, all bright and bold. good enough for me! beauty is a matter of perspective. gee.

faerybeki

17 years 2 months ago

:) thanks Gee! If it’s

:) thanks Gee! If it's good enough for you then it's good enough for me! I really enjoyed your doggie poem, read it last night, sorry for not leaving a comment, sometimes I just enjoy the consumption if you know what I mean? But it got me on a subliminal level and I was inspired to change my pic! :) much love b x

Craig Norris

17 years 1 month ago

Hiya Beki

Catching up with some of your work, this is a sweet little thing, agree with Anni about the ending, the rythm kinda shifts there. You're a little hard I always outloved you you could have loved me back you would have found me true. That is my offering, a minimalist adjustment. Cheers and lovin' Craig

faerybeki

17 years 1 month ago

Hiya Craig

thanks for bringing me back to this one, you can't imagine how many times I've read it over the years and oh the repetitions of this theme that have been had in many relationships since!! Your so right about the rhythm in that final stanza, I thought I'd fixed it after Anni's comment but it still stumbles there. Love your offering but wonder if it's ok to use it? You've written it as it should be I feel, will edit upon permission :) thanks again, much love b x

Craig Norris

17 years 1 month ago

Its yours

Those words were always there, I simply helped you find some, to get them to appear. Lotsa love Craig

faerybeki

17 years 1 month ago

It's done!

Thanks Craig, thought there was more to your suggestion, it felt so different but I find it is just one extra word and the inclusion of some ommitted letters! minimal indeed! :) Hoping to check out your new posts tonight, I see I've some catching up to do of my own! Looking forward to it! thanks again, much love b xx

Craig Norris

17 years 1 month ago

one more thing

Reading this again the only spot where the rhyme breaks down for me is.. I'm a little bird you always outsung me I could have had a voice if I'd had a chance to sing In the other stanzas line two always rhymes with line four, and it sets up a nice rhythm. So for my money to get that continuity through the whole poem I would try for something like. I'm a little bird you always outsung me I could have had a voice trilling sweet, singing free. Don't mind me Bek. Cheers Craig

faerybeki

17 years 1 month ago

I don’t mind you Craig,

I don't mind you Craig, i'm growing quite fond of your 'inteferences' ;) lol! I can see what your saying about the rhyme in that stanza but I don't want to change it, for me the meaning here is more important than the rhyme, I really wanted to get across that me and the love I was offering at this time, in this relationship, wasn't ever really given a chance. but huge thanks as always for your input and suggestion! :) much love b xx