Journey

Hiya... I believe you are going for another "lighted" stand! and you got my vote... only had one small suggestion... I have rose above... I've risen above... maybe????? Do you ever see something written by someone else that is close to one you've written... well, that is this poem to me. I wrote one that I've just recently sent in to a local magazine and haven't heard back yet... probably never will...lol... but anyway, it is very similar to this write of yours, hell, there were a couple of lines that were almost exactly the same. uncanny... surreal... exciting... oh by the way... that is one nice bee! Richard

Even down to the suggestion. Looking like another trip. Richard, watch out, she may be a "honey" bee, but she has a stinging pen. *LOL* Fine write here Double D. You did disappoint me though. *sniffle* I couldn't find any misspellings. Kudo my friend. Have a good day Julie. Respectfully, Rett: "A Democracy can withstand anything but Democrats." Robert A. Heinlein For the sake of children, read this. http://www.neopoet.com/node/19905

I have to admit I like the fuller bees or maybe I just like the sting ooooh... lol thanks D.D.

The rap/slam influences you exhibit in this poem, with such phrases as "choosing, refusing", and various other internal rhymes. However, you persistently use an apostrophe in plural nouns, such as "demon's", "choice's", "story's", this is incorrect. Also I think your poem would benefit from some line-stopping, that is, from some punctuation at the end of the lines. It sometimes feels like I'm floating along, without some guidance as to how to proceed. The rhyming is generally good, but the rhyme of "go" with "goal" leaped out at me, perhaps this could be changed, although perhaps this sounds better with an American accent (which I assume is where you are from). In terms of rhythm, you sometimes let it run away with you a little. You sometimes use a loose, rap-style four stress line, such as: "Remembering in the end who I have to face" But other times the stresses build up to six per line, such as: "Push on through is what to do, remaining true" I think you should either regularise this, or work on it in some way. In particular the rhythm of the last line feels particularly weak, and needs a lot of work. I may seem to be concentrating on rhythm a lot here, but I think your poem demands it, with its rhythmic, rap-style rhyming couplets. I hope that helps you. Nathaniel Radcliffe.

I'm glad to help. Nathaniel Radcliffe.