Seren

Mar 29, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Aussie Spirit

Deleted

— Seren, Mar 29, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Beyond the Black Stump..Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda, P.K.Page, W.H.Auden, to many and various to include them all ...

Critiques

themoonman

17 years 2 months ago

Hiya Jayne-Chloe...

Welcome, a late one but I'm a bit on the slow side... I take after my mother, she says she is slow but sure... oh well, I got the slow part anyway... First off I wanted to comment on how much I liked your wings... me being the guy I am and all... ok... I'm done! I thought your poem was very good and it makes me want to catch up with your other writes... there were a few spots where commas were needed to help direct the readers flow of your words... I'm sure if you were to read it aloud you would notice your own pauses... punctuation helps us to read it like you say it. Many do not use it nowadays, but line breaks help along with caps... Towns decimated as never was... "was" maybe "before" hope full... hopeful just suggestions... welcome again... Richard

Seren

17 years 2 months ago

Better late than never

My mother always said lol Thanks for the welcome and your right about the punctuation. Im sure there will be a few revisions of this one so it will be a work in progress .. As I've always writen in couplets I found it difficult to move away from it .. It was hard not to rhyme LOL ... Im always open to corrections and comments. Glad you like my dark wings shes called the devils advocate .. Dont know what you meen about being the guy you are but im sure over time and reading your work (which ive already done) LOL I shall learn some more about you .... Oh ! and the hopeful gaff was spell check not me lmao (Thats my story and im sticking to it) .... Anyhoo Thanks for taking the time to read this as i was very apprehensive submitting this one Sincerely Jayne-Chloe

professor

17 years 2 months ago

Hey you listened lol

Pretty good first attempt i must say and Richard is right about punctuation aiding perceived flow, although you can also achieve the same effect by breaking it up into more lines. There is, after all, no necessity for each verse to have the same number of lines with blank verse. I wont go through the whole poem but to give you some idea of how you can make it flow even better, and emphasise the action, the first verse could be something like: Smoke glancing tree-tops, choppers in the sky, branches cracking; red-tongues flashing; Firefighters race to quell the fire (i took out the repetition of "tree" and "fight" and added an extra syllable to the cracking and flashing images). Hope this is of some help and, as i said, this shows you can easily branch out from rhyming couplets. All the best Keith

Seren

17 years 2 months ago

LOL Never too old to learn

I always say its never to late to learn and all the comments and corrections people have made ive taken in .. (haha yes I listened):p I have to say as newbie its awesome when you break it down and show me what you meen .. I have to thank you you've been a great help in improving my "Stuff" lol cant call it poetry yet :) After you mentioned moving away from couplets I thought I'd have a go at it (as we aussie's say) .. I read a fair bit of poetry that DIDN'T rhyme and tried to get my head around it LOL which i sorta did .. And if you dont mind too much I'm going to steal the red-tongues flashing line as its pure gold :) Regards Jayne-Chloe

professor

17 years 2 months ago

Of course i dont mind

Yes this is improved Jayne-Chloe you learn fast lol. There are a few lines that still feel uncomfortably long but with your training i am sure you know precisely which ones i mean. So are you a Larakin then? lol. Have a good evening. Keith

Seren

17 years 2 months ago

Keith

Thanks :P I love writing poetry its always been a hobby and now that I can bounce idea's off real poets I can improve my 'stuff' ..... Yes im definatly a larakin keith LOL I'm a little bit mad but you have to be in this world LOL .... I love to laugh :) ... I think If would be tragic to go through life and not laugh ... Hope you have a wonderful day Jayne-Chloe

professor

17 years 2 months ago

i guess i must be

a larakin too then Jayne-Chloe (oops i almost abbreviated you to J-C and then realised that might not seem appropriate!) lol. Will have to keep that descriptor in my vocabulary when i want to impress an Aussie with my grasp of the vernacular. Keith

Seren

17 years 2 months ago

JayC

JayC is what most of my friends call me and your most welcome to use it..... larakins are very cheeky and a little bit naughty ..... Hahaha if you want to impress most aussie's just be yourself ..... I have a very different experience of being aussie as my mother is french/mongolian and my dad is English/Irish ..... Yes im a strange mix I'm nearly 6 ft tall with white hair and I have very chinky eyes I guess you'd call them ..... I was born in New Zealand and came to Australia at six weeks old and I've been here ever since ... Though I've travelled overseas to America and plan to go back one day all going well .. I'd love to visit England one day I have been there but was too young to remember it .... I love anything old and the UK has lots of old things ... I'd be in antique heaven LOL ... Anyhoo you have a great day will catch you soon Regards JayC

Bosscombat

17 years 2 months ago

awesome

Jaaayneee how did I miss this one getting posted!? I must have been drunk. I think the poem delved into the despair and tragedy of what's probably still going on in victoria right now.. I don't know enough to be a critic just yet lol but I think this is an awesome job! I can feel the care portrayed through your words. Top marks from me <3

Seren

17 years 2 months ago

I tried

As this was my first poem that went away from rhyming couplets , This was hard to write .. And because of the subject matter I was hesitant about writing it at all ... I just hope I did them justice .... Oh and pmsl @ you drunk ??? (never) :P hahahaha thanks luvluv <3 Jayne-Chloe

Geezer

17 years 2 months ago

dreams floating

just finished my new national geographic with stories about the climate changes in aussieland. so sad to see the heart-break of lost dreams on the faces of those folks. sometimes the world forgets,[the dust bowl of mid-western u.s.a.]the lessons learned. we must not forget the past, as we look to the future. i have no doubt that the aussie spirit will prevail, and you will survive. the worlds' heart goes out to your country! keep on keeping on. gee

Seren

17 years 2 months ago

Gee

It is hard Gee as the years pass most people in Oz are noticing that its way hotter in the summer and our winters brrrrr they are some of the coldest I can remember ... Unfortunatly if people dont take action we are going to destroy the planet , Im just a normal well semi normal LOL aussie Mum i would like to know that when i die I've done my part to help heal the planet ... I am very consious of power and water use .... In Oz , like some corners of the world .... Water is a precious commodity some parts of Oz are facing up to the fact that in parts of Oz ?? Drinking recycled sewrage as normal drinking water will be the norm within the next few years ... Yes it is getting that bad .. Sad but we have to reap what we have sown Sincerely Jayne-Chloe xoxoxo