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Seren
Seren
Mar 28, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Marking Time

Slipping away letting go
Holding back till it is so
Marking time and taking stock
Knowing this is all we've got

Fading fast and looking bad
Now and then it gets so sad
First it's easy letting go
Then your brain is saying no !!!

Tubes and wires hurting still
Wanting  for more than a pill
Cutting and hacking and fixing stuff
Sometimes though its not enough

Getting opinions wasting time
Don't they know that this is mine !!!
Losing weight so fatigued
Life's sometimes a constant bleed

Getting scared end is nearing
Is that angels Ive been hearing ?
Saying goodbye shedding tears
Thinking of the lonely years

Gaining breath I'm getting strong
I can sing a better song
Eyes lift up look ahead
Wake up people I'm not dead !!
 


— Seren, Mar 28, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Beyond the Black Stump..Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda, P.K.Page, W.H.Auden, to many and various to include them all ...

More from this author

Critiques

B

Bosscombat

17 years 2 months ago

Far out! I like it! I like

Far out! I like it! I like the idea of the final stanza turning over a new leave...coz you really are a strong woman and your definatly aren't dead! Can't wait to have a drink or two with ya soon! <3
Seren

Seren

17 years 2 months ago

Thanks

Your a sweety matty you know how much we all love you ... It was the only way i got through a bad time healthwise ... Ive had some battles over the last few years as you know better than anyone but Im definatly NOT dead yet LOL not by a long shot... And that drink you mentioned well thats next weekend and I cant wait to get down and visit with you guys been way too long ... <3 Jayne-Chloe xoxoxo
professor

professor

17 years 2 months ago

Hi Jayne Chloe

Actually this flows pretty well and there are only a couple of places where for me the line length or choice of rhyming word doesn't quite work. As a general comment though perhaps you might consider breaking away from always using rhyming couplets in your poems. Try experimenting a bit with other rhyming schemes or maybe play with abandoning them all together and create the flow just with the words and line lengths alone. Anyway as far as this one is concerned: "Fading fast and looking bad Now and then it gets so sad" (needs 7 syllables) "Tubes and wires are hurting still (7 syllables) Wanting more than just a pill" (your version did not flow that well) "Losing weight and so fatigued (7 syllables) Life's sometimes like a constant bleed" (sorry could not come up with something better to rhyme with "tired" and "fired" did not feel that good) and "Gaining breath i'm getting strong (changed this so it was easier to rhyme) I can sing a better song (hopefully an image you may like lol) Eyes lift up and look ahead (7 syllables) Wake up people I’m not dead !!" As always just suggestions. All the best Keith
Seren

Seren

17 years 2 months ago

ello Keith

Your right as usual LOL ... And I will definatly change those couple of stanzas your versions do flow much better but i did try to cut out all the excess words i always over explain things im working on saying more with saying less ... LOL ... thanks again for the support the little ive improved is to do with the comments and feedback I've received from people like you Sincerely Jayne-Chloe