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M

Alien Observation of a Human Nation

Discovery of the starship trooper mandatory auto warning conspiratory human being destined forever in a unrichous community striving, thriving, and trying to be free. Opened up my eyes to a world never before seen by any other “alien” planetary society. Brining me to my hybrid knees listening to the things go cling, cling cling. Now to this day brining ideation was a grave mistake. Soon came the fear, hate speculation, and matter unwilling to negotiate. Locked up in Alcatraz theres no escape from the keener that awaits with an awkward hand shake that will be the first and last of any day. Blinding me is the light, the insight of the mistake that was detailed on the medallion plate. Creating a fallen angel from a mind made neuronal gate. Brain waves with bodily function communal communications communicate. Ending with the ideological functions relate to mind bending manageable assumptions that create a new day with the conscience mind to behave gracious in the face of another radioactive land mine that fills the spacious tectonic plates with the information to relay back to active dudy head base. Reluctant to follow the gamma line from the life spine creating inspiration for the elegant brigade. Incubating with all computorizating stamina data base energized by one hundred billion electrolytes. The damage I can tell ya is criticized by over one hundred trillion men of mice, sniffing lines, loosing the baggage I can’t see through electron mud created with making electronic matter excite. Indulging in the batter for the greater good indicting plutonic delight. I offer lunging forward to battle fragile teetering erotic fights. With the human capacity hardly able to predict automatic airlines. It seems hard to find when looking indiscreetly behind in the semi synthetic slime. All the time up and under the feuding galaxy enterprise consisting of debating balcony abdominal devise. Sheering the odometer sixty six times forty four relines for the practice of the bombing Saturn sun star lights.


— mdehe, Mar 27, 2009

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Race_9togo

Race_9togo

17 years 2 months ago

Matty

This is very difficult to read, which is a pity because it is worth reading. Give this poem some structure, and it would be a great write. I love the title, particularly with its implication of being human, but alienated to the point of incredulity, something I have long felt myself! You language use is very very good, and in places exceptional, although there are one or two spots that I didn't understand - the ending, for example. I always enjoy these stream-of thought pieces, and the theme of alienation is, as I said, one that appeals to me greatly. Try giving it some structure, and this would ring out unique. Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race
M

mdehe

17 years 2 months ago

Thanks

for the feedback. I know it's hard to read when not being the one writing it. It is more of a rap and would probably sound a lot better to anyone with me saying it to the proper "rhythm". But no doubt it would make it a lot easier cleaning it up a bit, which I will do. As for the parts that don't make too much sense. That's for you to decide. Every line to me has a meaning, but for someone else could be something complete different. I want my poetry to inspire thought. And that's about it. Thanks for the criticism and props. Peace, Matt