Daylight

Kristeta, Although you listed this as a free-form poem, it has all the hallmarks of a classic ballad/ode in the stanza format and rhyme scheme. The problem I am having is that the meter wanders, sometimes significantly and therefore creates major stumbles and blocks on the read. When it comes to meter, I can be overly concerned about the exactness of it but, as a rule, you should either establish a meter that is consistent within each stanza. In stanza one (1) your lines are between 7 and 9 syllables long and this is workable, depending on the word choice. In Stanza two (2) your syllable length per line is from 6 - 10 and this struggles against readability since there is not a consistent application. For example, if you establish a syllable pattern throughout the stanzas that aid the reader in measuring the flow and tone of the poem, a wide variation can work. If it is a wide variation without purpose the reader can spend more time wondering about structure than the content and that will always be a problem. There are two main ways to address the issue at hand. One is to abandon the traditional structure completely and institute a more conversational flow and the other is to nail down a structure so precise that it disappears in the mind of the reader. So, let's take your first stanza and rework it both ways. First I'll cast it as free-form: Today, today I chose to run with the sun To gently lay the burden down That I carry but never repent Of All the grace that has been lent To one who tried to conquer all Who rose once only to fall To her own limited concept Of knowledge as only precept I added and pruned some words and order here and there but with this i am striving to create a conversational tone, using the line breaks to accentuate the natural pauses and cadence of conversation. Now, to cast this in a more exact style: Today I willingly to run with the sun To gently, softly, lay down the burden That I have carried but will not repent Of all the grace that has ever been lent To one, that one, who tried to conquer all Who rose but once and then only to fall Well within her own limited concept Of precious knowledge as only precept All I have done here is to make the piece scan more easily. I tried to stay true to the perceived meaning but may have botched that part. But what I believe has been accomplished is an easier read that keeps the audience focused on your meaning rather than trying to figure out the cadence. As poets we must be careful to make our work accessible to the intended audience and every time we put a hurdle in place we increase the chance they will get distracted and either miss our meaning or leave before that meaning is establish or both. What I'd like to see is for you to revisit the rest of the stanzas with the above commentary in mind. I'm not asking you to choose one path or another, just revisit and see if anything I am saying strikes home and if it does to put the extra work into this to make certain it is conveying the message you had meant to convey. Listed below is a breakout of your poem, the number at the beginning of the line refer to the number of syllables in that line. I do this for my work to ensure what I present is what I intended to present. Jonathan ------------------------------ 09 - Today I chose to run with the sun 08 - To gently lay down the burden 09 - That I carry but do not repent 07 - All the grace that has been lent 08 - To one who tried to conquer all 07 - Who rose once only to fall 08 - To her own limited concept 08 - Of knowledge as only precept 08 - Glistening sun on melting snow 06 - The light of day doth glow 07 - Reminder of the time left 07 - Not to leave this life bereft 07 - Of the music of the spheres 07 - Twinkling sound that endears 09 - Remembrance of our sparkling birth 10 - Before we were committed to the earth 08 - For every dream that never came 10 - I acknowledge being part of a game 07 - Where light strikes the darker part 08 - In the skirmish one must demark 09 - A thin line that divides dusk from dawn 08 - The razors edge, a path is drawn 11 - Tiny ballerina feet touch lightly now 10 - So as not to defeat this moment’s vow 07 - A promise left unfulfilled 06 - By seeking lesser thrills 06 - To survive this last night 07 - To be returned to the light 07 - Destiny caressed by fate 07 - Light speed before it’s too late 08 - Perfect seed in which is contained 07 - The answers must be maintained 07 - For in the past I awoke 05 - Struck by lightening broke 06 - The fragments of my being 07 - Shattered images fleeting 07 - Glimpses of the far and near 07 - Congruent to what we fear 08 - To be nothing and accept all 08 - Remains for us a distant call 08 - Standing present and still inside 07 - Watching as our worlds collide 08 - Light and dark starkly juxtaposed 08 - What lies in wait still undisclosed 08 - Will our future be less or great 09 - We stand at the universe’s gate 08 - Resolved and evolved decisions 08 - Dawn this day of precious visions --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

You have some wonderful imagery here, and really great word choices. However, I agree a little with Jonathan that you could do something to make it flow smoother. You know, just add or cut out a syllable or two in some of your lines. A few suggestions to show you what I mean: l.6 "to fall again"? l.11 "time still left"? l.14 "The twinkling sound"? l.16 "before being committed to earth"? Just suggesting, ~Nina “Like plumbers and dentists, poets are fallible, and the possibility of genuine nonsense cannot be ruled out.” (Mark Haddon)

Hi Kristeta, well, I am far too much of an improviser & a passion monger to be too concerned if the meter changes too much as long as the progression makes sense to the feel of the write I feel it "works" & this, my dear woman, worked brilliantly for me. I LOVE it the way it is, loose with it varying meter, just adds flexability for me, & a realism, the kind that life so often seems to bring to us, not always predictable, but usually so FULL of wonders, inspiration, sadness, disapointment, passion & concerns regarding past & present... We are ebb & flow & waves vary in intensity in real life. No, no, I don't believe in definitive "wrong" or "right" in creativity, unless you are bound to it by agreeance. I can see the point, but I feel it is about choice & taste etc. You can paint by numbers or learn to draw precisely or you can do abstract, or you can bring to a portrait a completley different colour pallette or painting style than ever expressed before, it surely should be about interpretation. This is a lovely lovely drink of expression for me, & I thank you. In honour & respect & with gratitude~ Anni ~~~ "A loving person lives in a loving world. A hostile person lives in a hostile world; everyone you meet is your mirror." ~Ken Keyes, Jr.