Undone

Could this be about a bitter divorce? Anyway, well done.

I like the slow nostalgic fatalism of this piece, the sense of wistful surrender and apathy wrought from the inevitable. 2nd line is missing the word "it", perhaps? 2nd to last line needs no commas, and the word "I" or "I'll", maybe? Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

No Tonya, I would not call it a mistake if the intention to make pauses is deliberate, and their use is grammatically correct. It is what YOU want the reader to experience that is always important in poetry, I think, so use those commas as you see fit! A lot of people told me that my comma use was excessive when I first came to Neopoet. I solved the "problem" for myself by making each part of a poem that is separated by a comma a new line instead. Not that I think that you should do this to this piece - I think this one is fine, after reading it again - but give it a go with another piece sometime. It can change everything about a poem, and makes for a very interesting writing exercise, especially when comparing the changes after editing! Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

I haven't met you before. So it's nice to meet you now. Oh my goodness, how I can relate to this. And I don't know how to repair it either. I did find writing helped to repair some of the fraying, tie up some of the loose ends--but then they start unraveling somewhere else. 'Guess I will just stay like this' Enjoyed it. Deelilah