Solitude becomes conspicuous

Oh thanks Ian, & you write beautiful comments, soothing for me this morning, funny how things go cyclical, you pulled hope out of my own poem & gently tossed it back to me this morning when my own hope was waning just a little. The rain, if you could only know, was completely understated here in fact, it was way more precious than diamonds, the joy we all felt, at it was immense, with fires still burning (or having flared up again in the fierce winds yesterday). I know it's been extremely cold in other places, here we have had extreme fire danger every day for over a week, worse in other towns where fires have claimed over 200 lives the previous week, we are lucky to have learned from this & most people have evacuated & the fire fighters & home owners better prepared). We are all so exhausted & weary & a little over-emotional dare I say. In any case it was so overwhelmingly divine to lie & hear that rain that will ease the burdon on the fire fighters & ease the hearts of those directly in the fire paths & us who are not far (less than 4 ks away) from the embers falling if the wind blows this direction... & rain in the night is such a sweet thing anyway isn't it. I hope you are staying warm where you are, Ann of Norway says there is "snow on snow on snow on snow, & I friend in Scotland tells of such deep & unusual amounts of snow fall, it must be beautiful... How wonderful it would be to be able to exchange conditions a little to ease the extremes. Ah well. Thank you again for your morning (here) considerations. Anni "Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about ideas, language, and even the phrase, "each other" doesn't make any sense."

Arrow, I don't doubt you dislike the gushing, but commentary from you is like a feast for a starving pilgrim, extremely rewarding, insightful, wholesome... you are indeed "Arrow" right to the point in the most effective & affirming way, should you rip my poems apart & label them as trash I would be at home & pleased, I would know there was good reason, so I thank you.. Now, I see great merrit in your words as always, so before I respond to the latter part of your comment, let me walk through your critique point by point: "We" is the reference to we who are compelled to write, having found this community I feel so phenomenally grateful to know there are others who are similarly driven. Not because I crave the company, just to reside in the company of, or even be closer to it than I had previously found... I am not sure if you are saying it doesn't work in the poem though? Does it detract that I go from that place to a more personal one? It is here I don't have perspective, the thing is still inside me. The title you may have guessed from the above relates to this new process where what used to be such a solitary & unknown experience has now become an exposed experience on this site, it has it's pro's and cons of course, but over all, as you know I embrace it warmly. I'm glad you saw the merrit in the 2nd stanza, it's what happens to us as writers among other things, we who rest in words, or are bullied by them or find respite in them... I was also pleased with the 1st line in stanza 3 & was aware of a sense of digressing from a good thread to explore another view, that of another, who might prefer more comfortable places of expression, rather than looking for the things that go on in front of them & to me seem relatively plain view obvious... Still, in truth it is all a personal story even if we all viewed the very same thing our stories may differ. And yes, I wondered about the last line in that stanza also, partly in response to interaction with you regarding humility... it is a critical aspiration for me... let me see: Belief is only stories chosen The pretty ones you might prefer Some glacial slow progression I seek humility at last and still defer Might read better as ... I seek humility and still defer it does change the sentiment & I hate to let it go (how ironic... I seem to be having trouble with letting go of late!), but I also know some sacrifice is best for ultimate comfort all around (interesting analogies occurring for me here!!)... No doubt such subtlety will be complety lost on most others reading it, it is a tiny personal thing that I feel so strongly with those 2 small words.. relating to that point when everything is stripped down to such a sacred place in the end (in the end = at last). Still, it goes, you are so right it isn't worth it, if it makes the poem more palatable. Stanza 5, not sure exactly what you are saying, though I can see that it is quite a clumsy stanza overall... I felt it was ok to leave it like that given that was the point sometimes, that we as writers pull & bother the words & lines or they resist us or enable us or suddenly fly free unexpectedly, sending us tumbling... do you know these experiences? Still if the point is to become a better writer, it is worth reworking it. I bend my words to serve me They may snarl and sulk And sometimes they become my wings Or refuse to slip from clumsy bulk Maybe: I bend my words to serve me They may snarl and sulk and growl Sometimes they become my wings or drop me in a swamp most foul... hmm changes the sense of the poem too much, feels like I'd have to take it in a different direction from there & not the next quite seperate senstiment in the next lines... I bend my words to serve me They may snarl and sulk & even bite And sometimes they become my wings or immerse me in their freedom & delight Now that might be better, at least out of context here, I'll try it.... No, I see I have lengthened these lines outside of the rhythm of the original poem. Aha!!! I bend my words to serve me They may snarl and sulk and even bite And sometimes they become my wings immersing me in freedom & delight I still feel I can't manage the perspective, let me know what you think now (if you don't mind?). As for these references, I have not heard of either, but do love such connections myself & will look them up. I thank you & feel honoured that you relate to this, of course there are probably good reasons, as you know, I lost my partner also. He was a pilot & his plane crashed into the ocean, it was many years ago, but one is NEVER the same after such grief... I also relate to slower loss since his father (who was the only father I ever had) died 3 years later of a brain tumour & a year later my best friend of breast cancer... I was barely able to have faith in life for some time after that (my nephew also died tragically a year before my partner, at 13, all of them tragic & felt horrifically unecessary, & at the time unbarable), but we find ways to cope, mine I guess, is to touch souls in the best way I can ever since. That is all almost 1/2 my life ago, I was so young (early 20s), but it sped up my personal evolution like nothing else could, though in a way has isolated me (as I know you would recognise). There is no self pity in me for it, I am grateful ultimately for the lessons that were shotgun blasted into me so brutally back then. There is a grief here, but not the same one I lived so many of the intervening years, it is the grief for a love I was exposed to more recently, which was the first time I had truly allowed myself to go to that depth of vulnerability since Mark had died really... It was hard to have it anihilated in front of my eyes, but I prefer to try to let it go peacefully, so I have spent the last couple of weeks struggling with my very soul to give it up now it has become so obviously not such a healthy thing as I had believed it to be. I can't help but be sad to lose the lovely connection that WAS there though, despite other elements not being harmonious. It felt like such an undeniable ancient connection when it was complete and beautiful, perhaps it was priming me for the "real" thing where I may be finally embraced & cherished as we all wish to be. Not sure I am able to believe in that just now, but "all things must pass" they say the grief & the joy, as we well know. I think I should cease writing or you will never read all this.. Thank you Arrow! Anni "Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about ideas, language, and even the phrase, "each other" doesn't make any sense."