Self-destruction

Do we have some male need to self-destruct?
Of course, we like to think we're still in charge -
can have just one more binge before we stop,
until we start again.

Yesterday, I took our dog out to the hills,
up and down rough, winding paths for hours,
and came back tired but well:
breathing better, feeling fitter;
calmer, so it seemed...

Then - what compelled me?
Why did I go out
and drink and smoke
all evening with the lads?

Today I feel the gooey birdcage
in my nose and mouth and throat
and note a queasy stomach
and a tightness in my chest.

Disgusted with myself, I vow
to stick to juice and nuts:
I'm quite determined this time -
wish me luck!