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Ink Dragon
Feb 24, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Creation (Sonnet I)

Is it creation, creativity

What am I supposed to call these quivers

That pulsate and demand inside of me

And set my insides ablaze with shivers

 

As I feverishly try to create

A testimony to speak of my strife

When Earth's hungry mouth will seal my fate

And my limbs will finally fade from life

 

The burning desire to be more than earth

Perpetually inflames my restless mind

My hands, infatuated, work for the birth

Of a monument no one may even find
 

While I am trying to smash and shatter

The monumental creation's matter


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yenti

yenti

17 years 2 months ago

Ink

The ink was beutifully displayed on you page,and the Dragon bit into the creation. The internal struggle you will win. A lovely way of putting things ,Yours Ian.T
themoonman

themoonman

17 years 2 months ago

Ink...

I had to go and look up the sonnet again... I've looked it up before and tried it but don't even remember which notebook the meager attempt was in(I have around 30)... and it would not have come close to this poem you've created... this is an English sonnet... abab cdcd efef gg so the rhyme scheme is perfect... in this, is it correct that the volta was on the final couplet? a couple of suggestions... and I now see that you left this poem in the forum for suggestions, but I am here now and I hope you don't mind... And makes my insides burn with a fever... maybe leave the "a" out for a better flow.. and in the next line... perhaps "feverishly" should be replaced since it is so well used in the previous line... thank you for causing me to study... strange how now it is an enjoyable experience and when I was supposed to do it, I didn't want to... loved the content by the way... and the final self- destructing lines we all find ourselves giving into at times. Richard
I

Ink Dragon

17 years 2 months ago

Richard,

your suggestions are always welcome, be it in the forum or the stream! I see that I will have to smooth a few things out... Will do so soon. Yours, ~Nina
nokros

nokros

17 years 2 months ago

Creation (Sonnet I)

the critique part has been done constructively. all that is left is to applaud those last two lines - can't beat a good ending. good job. yours nokros
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Ink Dragon

17 years 2 months ago

Nokros,

thank you very much. I was really uncertain about this piece, as I do not write bound verse very often... Yours, ~Nina
Proprietress of Crimson Hearts

Proprietress o…

17 years 2 months ago

my sweet Dragon,

I agree with Richard on the 'a', it is smoother without it. but I might consider leaving the repetition in the piece, if you want a thoughtflow association. I just love the mix between thoughtflow and sonnet, something so free squeezed into such an old form. 5/5, my dear friend because those last two lines make up for the additional 'a'! I am looking forward to reading the second sonnet. have you already started or is it still only an abstract idea? your Proprietress
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Ink Dragon

17 years 2 months ago

My dearest proprietress,

I am actually thinking of going over some older poems and reshaping them. There will certainly be the odd sonnet among the rewrites. Thanks for your comment, I will throw out the "a". I had, however, already made up my mind to keep the "feverishly" for the reasons you mention. Yours, ~Nina P.S. The last line of stanza 1 has now received a complete makeover. Kata, Richard: Better now?
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Ink Dragon

17 years 2 months ago

My Kata,

if you say so, who am I to argue? Yours, ~Nina ;)
themoonman

themoonman

17 years 2 months ago

Nina...

ablaze... I happen to love that word... and it worked wonders in that line for me... and on the second look at it, I agree with both you and Kata on the "feverishly", but on looking at it and reading it aloud it seems to want the word "and" at the beginning of that sentence... And as I feverishly try to create... might just be me... but just the "a" taken out and the "ablaze" really helps this already very good write to become "great"... Have you ever tried an Italian sonnet... complicated creatures they are... poetry... there is so much to learn for an old man like me... I love it! Richard
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Ink Dragon

17 years 2 months ago

Richard,

thank you again for your helpful comments. I noticed that you posted something new, too. Right now, I am simply too tired to comment or edit. I will tackle both this sonnet and your new piece tomorrow. Yours, ~Nina
faerybeki

faerybeki

17 years 2 months ago

a beautiful and brave

a beautiful and brave piece!! I love sonnets but have never thought of trying to write one, you inspire me.. thankyou!! take care b x
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Ink Dragon

17 years 2 months ago

Hi Beki,

thanks for dropping by and commenting on this piece, my first sonnet. (I have never tried to write one before either.) Wow, inspiring you, that´s quite a compliment! Yours, ~Nina
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Ink Dragon

17 years 2 months ago

Richard,

I have changed the first line of stanza 2. Does it read better? Thanks again, ~Nina
I

Ink Dragon

17 years 2 months ago

Thanks DD,

I am truly grateful for your kind and thoughtful comment. I´ll try and come up with something on the lines you mention, but it might take some time... Yours, ~Nina
I

Ink Dragon

17 years ago

Julie,

I think I may have found a solution and have decided to kick out the tiresome Sphinx altogether. All, does the new line read better? Yours, ~Nina “Like plumbers and dentists, poets are fallible, and the possibility of genuine nonsense cannot be ruled out.” (Mark Haddon)
Linda Moses

Linda Moses

17 years ago

INk

I like the flow and rhyme of this piece, however, I did feel that quiver and fever did not quite rhyme, but do not have a better suggestion. I will have to look up on how to write a sonnet, also. Always something new to learn. But I did enjoy this one Sincerely, Linda
I

Ink Dragon

17 years ago

Thanks, Linda,

yes, "quiver" and "fever" are not really rhyming too well, but that was the best I could do at the time. Glad you enjoyed it! Yours, ~Nina “Like plumbers and dentists, poets are fallible, and the possibility of genuine nonsense cannot be ruled out.” (Mark Haddon)
I

Ink Dragon

17 years ago

A possibility has dawned on me:

"shiver" rhymes much better with "quiver" than "fever" does. I´ll be working on that line. Thanks again, Linda! All, I would be most grateful for rereads! Yours, ~Nina “Like plumbers and dentists, poets are fallible, and the possibility of genuine nonsense cannot be ruled out.” (Mark Haddon)
I

Ink Dragon

17 years ago

Thanks, Rob,

I think the rhyme scheme works pretty well now. I am still having my doubts concerning the metre, though. May I ask you for your help with this? Yours, ~Nina
themoonman

themoonman

17 years ago

Nina...

Sorry for the delay in responding... I really like the changes you've made in this one... most excellently done... professionally even! yes... Richard
Rob Graber

Rob Graber

16 years 7 months ago

Line 9

A fine effort, with a towering ninth line that elevates the poem, the reader, and indeed all of humankind!
I

Ink Dragon

16 years 7 months ago

Rob,

there - I'm blushing yet again... Thanks, ~Nina