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B
barbsdad2003
Feb 19, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

speaker's choice, speaker's voice: now here follows speaker's claim


speaker's choice,
speaker's voice:
now here follows
speaker's claim

---

My feet are locked upon
     the rough bark.
It took the whole of
     Creation
To produce my foot,
     my each feather:
Now I hold Creation
     in my foot ...
                  ---Ted Hughes
---

my drawn words,
those so
mine,

in your mouth
are not
yours;

they're also
not then
mine.

my words so
bear
my meaning,

my history,
my content,
my intent

in my mouth---

but not
in yours.

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Country/Region: USA

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Comments

I

Ink Dragon

17 years 2 months ago

Hi Chuck,

I will have to return to this one. It has something, and yet...I feel it lacks something (without being able to pin it down)...Maybe it is just my mood, and I will cry "awesome" when I re-read it... Yours, ~Nina
Proprietress of Crimson Hearts

Proprietress o…

17 years 2 months ago

Chuck,

I agree with Nina. first off: the title is amazing. you caught my attention, even though it's long and I felt the NEED to read this poem. I started reading and was even more amazed. your train of thoughts goes down a winding track, with surprises around every corner. very deep and very brave piece. but then the train stops suddenly and I feel like I am sitting there in the middle of a thought, unable to get out, stuck. it is the end, I think. it doesn't seem complete. or maybe we are all just too greedy for more of your words ;) consider making it longer, Chuck. your Proprietress
A

Arrow

17 years 2 months ago

I find it over-complete-

ok, that's not a word. I feel like the last line takes away from the power of the stanza before. For me, this is a painful image: "in my mouth— but not in yours." Two mouths, incredibly close, trying to touch intimately- but failing. For me, this is a compelling piece that highlights the short-comings of words and the power of non-verbals. One of the things I really like about your poems is the way you effectively use dashes, punctuation, line breaks, etc. to add the non-verbals.
B

barbsdad2003

17 years 2 months ago

The foregoing ...

comments've been so helpful. Have been mulling them over. And have moved to delete the last line. Which I think makes it now complete. Or at least complete enough. Without overcompleting. Thanx all, Chuck PS: In my most flexible mind, over as a prefix can be added, usually without intervening hyphen, to a root word, which makes the whole a word. At least in my book. Another example would be to place re at the front, as in recomplete, which is also a word, though it may not be listed in a dictionary standing alone as such. Re and over and under and ... well, uh, you know, whatever, they can just pre a word, that's all. My childish impulses delight in forming combinations that are lost to dictionaries but pass the is-it-a-word? test just fine.
I

Ink Dragon

17 years 2 months ago

Hi Chuck,

I do think Arrow nailed it down! Much better! Yours, ~Nina