An Afternoon Reverie

I find all of the poem intriguing, but especially the lines: 'We abuse all Our energy to Here remain.' This one speaks to me. I'll probably have to ponder that in the middle of the night. Yours, Deelilah

I am quickly getting attached to your poetry. your structure is held together by red yarn, consitent throughout. but you weave your pieces in hues of red, each a different shade, superbly breaking the monotony. two suggestions for some minor changes: please consider a line of space between Of humanity and Each one a projection. it would make the read easier and you would have a sort of introduction to your poem. if you add a space between Of this domain and In our combatant way then the reader would be led out of the poem in a gentler manner. I am looking forward to more, your Proprietress

A lovely harsh piece again and a very good write, I see you have gathered a fan club now, LOL I have put one on Neopoet in the same way you write to see what the effect would be it's called "A Little Sadness" hope you enjoy the change of format, let me know if not, LOL Yours As always, Ian.T

Spacing is a personal idiosyncrasy of mine. It might be that I am mildly dyslexic and the spacing is distracting or it might be an old journalism thing or it may be just that I am cantankerous. Whatever the reason, I find the double-space presentation distracting, like opening a bag of chips and finding it contains 7 rather than the 27 on the picture. As for the poem itself, I recast it in single space for me, reproduced below. Generally I don't have much to add except punctuation. I would either lose the final period or add punctuation to the entire piece. It's an issue of consistency. If you end with punctuation, the reader begins to ask "where is the rest?" but if you avoid all punctuation, it becomes part of the flow of the poem. I've noted word/phrase substitutions via [brackets] and comments in (parenthesis) ----------------------- In a state of reverie Internal eyes that see The aching mass Of humanity Each one a projection A hologram Fading now Harder to maintain Underneath Entangled in pain (removed 'and' for flow and more impacting image) We lay Struggling Battling Enmeshed In our own Particular fantasy A smile that fades When love [oxidizes]to hate ('Turns is OK but I thought a more active image might serve better) We seek release [From our sovereign Fear] (personalizing the emotion, ratcheting up the effect/control) Of this domain In our combatant way We abuse [in it's entirety] (stronger image) Our energy to Here remain. ----------------------- In general this work has an excellent flow and the use of incidental rhyme adds to the rhythm and breathlessness. Normally I would comment on the last line as a grammar twist but this just may be a case in which it is more effective than established custom. My suggestions are in the way of adding additional power and impact but, as always, you must decide what is valid, what may inspire you, and what is merely the rumbling of an old man. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)